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Get out of here, hot girls and Koreans! America’s newest obsession: Old Jews! With Michael Bloomberg and Bernie Sanders trending in the polls we have officially entered #OldJewSummer!
Editors Note: We told the Bloomberg campaign that it’s not summer, but they told us it didn’t matter and that their internal polling suggested that #OldJewSummer could trend.
“We’re back, baby! said that old Jew, Mel Brooks during his fourth meal of the day at Canters. “Every time I turn on my TV it’s either Bloomberg or Bernie or Larry David or Alan Alda,” said Brooks. We told him that Alan Alda is not actually Jewish, but the legendary comedian was unconvinced. “You reach a certain age and live in New York long enough you’re basically Jewish.”
Editors Note: The Bloomberg campaign told us that they would be willing to pay Alan Alda to convert to Judaism if it polls well. The Avocado reached out to Alan Alda for comment, but he was out getting a nosh at Katz’s.
But not everyone is thrilled that it’s #OldJewSummer: Presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg, who is neither old nor Jewish, expressed concerns that both Bernie Sanders and Michael Bloomberg were maybe a little too old to be President. “I mean, I wouldn’t even feel comfortable having a 78-year-old drive my Uber, let alone be President of the United States.”
“I find Mr. Buttigieg’s comments distasteful and basically racist,” said Senator Sanders who despite having a heart attack earlier this year insists that he can still be President and drive at night. “My thought is that Mayor Pete should just sit back and wait 40-years to run for President until he is my age.”
The Avocado asked Mr. Bloomberg to respond to similar criticisms that he is also so fucking old, but he could not immidiately be reached for comment.
Editors Note: Mr. Bloomberg said in a comment after publication that he agrees with Mr. Buttigieg that Bernie Sanders is too old to be President. When asked how he could say that given he is the same age, Mr. Bloomberg explained that since 1993 he has received blood transfusions from New York’s forgotten youth. “I have the blood of homeless children pulsing through my body and am ready to be President,” said Bloomberg before taking a quick nap in his hyperbaric chamber.
#OldJewSummer is expected to last until November when it will be followed by four more years of Old Fat Racist Piece Of Garbage Is Still In The White House Summer.