The USDA has ordered an emergency, nationwide recall of apples following reports from around the country that innumerable Americans have been severely injured or killed by countless bad apples.

A spokesperson at the USDA told us that they were “reluctant to recall every apple because sometimes an apple can be good and even necessary if you need to make apple sauce or certain summer salads,” but ultimately decided to there were just too many bad apples mixed into the U.S. apple supply. “The risk is too high that any bunch of apples an American encounters in this country has a few bad apples in it that could kill you.”

We asked Rebecca Winesap, a food safety expert whether it was possible to separate the good apples that want to provide nutrition from the bad apples that want to kill black people and protesters, to which we were told that it was but would require the good apples to actively identify and root out the bad apples. If you can’t tell by now we’re talking about police.

This reporter spoke to several apples about ways they could help to identify the bad apples among them but was told that there was no such thing as a bad apple and that any death or injury caused by an apple in the past was completely justified. When asked about reports that black men choke on apples at an alarming rate, Sgt. Apple Cortland said after thorough investigations it was concluded that every person eating an apple was acting too aggressively and choked due to their own actions and possibly also because of underlying health issues.

“Being an apple is a really hard job that requires apples to risk getting eaten every day,” said the President of the Apple Growers Union who then led me into the middle of an orchard where several apples repeatedly hit me with a baton as I was derided for working for “fake news” and repeatedly told I was the enemy of the people.

“Unfortunately, because the ‘good apples’ that we enjoy eating refuse to help identify and expel the ‘bad apples’ from the bunch we are forced to assume that all apples are bad. Every single one. Even if you know an apple that you personally like it’s a bad apple because there is a culture among apples to protect the worst of them,” said Ms. Winesap before reaching for a pear.