Despite recently removing the independent watchdog for Coronavirus funds and appointing his unqualified son-in-law Jared Kushner as Coronavirus Guru, President Trump continues to enjoy overwhelming support among Republicans who are over the age of 65, diabetic, asthmatic, anyone named Karen, and those with underlying health conditions. 

According to a new poll from Liberty University, amazingly still open for business during the pandemic, the president’s supporters overwhelmingly approve of his plan to let them all die so that he can open up the economy to improve his reelection chances.

“We’ve never seen numbers quite like this,” said Dr. Vivan Prat with Liberty University. “Frankly, we’ve never had the opportunity to take the country’s temperat–Err… I mean, gauge support of individuals in government so clearly and purposely trying to destroy them.”

The new poll found that those likely to die because of President Trump’s plan to stop the coronavirus pandemic by giving the virus a pre-approved small business loan were 30% more likely to support it. A whopping 67% said Trump’s plutocratic solutions are what this country needs right now. They were also most likely to retroactively strip the South Korean film “Parasite” of the Oscar and give it to the Netflix docuseries “Tiger King.”

“That Tiger King never gave a single person coronavirus,” explained Karen Billingsley, 78, of Newport Beach during a special emergency meeting of the Flatearthers Alliance of Irvine-Laguna [FAIL]. “They should put that Parasite in jail.”

The meeting took place this past Sunday in a secret room at an Orange County Dave & Buster’s in direct response to the poll. Billingsley told The Avocado that the meeting was held specifically to ensure “no one gets out of line and blames Trump.” When asked whether the meeting’s attendees followed the CDC’s recommended face mask and six-foot social distancing guidelines, Billingsley became irate and threatened to smash several avocados in effigy before using them to make a delicious “cuck-a-mole.”

After calming down and popping a double dose of her blood pressure medication, Billingsley explained: “That poll was too soft and we expect more from the Trump faithful…He’s doing a hell of a job making sure my cruise to the edge of the earth is still on for Summer Solstice. Provided I live through this, I mean.”

Editor’s Note: She did not. 

By Jerry Garcia