“I don’t get it, they have a wall…how is this thing spreading?” yelled Donald Trump to no one in particular from his toilet during a Fox & Friends commercial break. “Maybe their wall wasn’t big enough?” the President asked himself, vowing to get to the bottom of this as soon as he finished.
The Avocado can confirm that after his poo, Mr. Trump called a meeting of senior members of the Center for Disease Control, telling them they needed to devote all agency resources to the construction of a wall that was “way bigger” and, therefore more effective at viral containment, than the Great Wall of China, which Trump remarked wasn’t even so great if you ask him.
Doctors for the CDC tried to explain to the President that a wall would not solve this (or any other) problem, and that the best way U.S. residents to protect themselves from Coronavirus was to wash their hands.
“That’s ridiculous, we need a wall,” said Trump as he shook the CDC director’s hand knowing he still hadn’t washed it despite having already poo’d and eaten and poo’d again that afternoon. It was a power move he learned from Roy Cohn and Mallrats.
The Avocado was granted permission to speak with the CDC director, who by the time of our interview had been replaced with Vice President Mike Pence. When asked whether the administration was competent enough to address a world-wide pandemic, Mr. Pence assured it was.
“The Trump administration would address Coronavirus with the same level of competency and professionalism it addresses every issue of national importance” said Pence, noting he had already been in talks with several government preachers who were developing new prayers to stop the spread of Coronavirus, and also mass shootings and homosexuality while they’re at it.