“North Carolina is beautiful this time of year,” said Los Angeles travel expert Kiki Palamero when asked what travelers headed to Los Angeles should know. “Maybe go there instead?”

“Uch, fine,” said Ms. Palamero when pressed to advise travelers intent on a trip to Los Angeles: “Try and fly into LAX at least three hours earlier than you planned to if you have to catch an Uber or Lyft. Oh and stay out of Silverlake.”

The advice comes after LAX changed its ridesharing policy to require passengers to now be picked up at a dedicated rideshare lot. The new “LAXit” lot’s rollout has been called a “complete disaster” and plagued by painfully long wait times for passengers needing to leave the airport so they can go sit in traffic on the 405 for a few hours. 

“Oh, you plan on arriving any time between 7:00 AM and Midnight?” asked Ms. Palamero. “Then you need to fly into LA four hours earlier than you planned because of traffic. But seriously, have you ever been to Salt Lake City? There is like no one there!” 

In an effort to expedite exit times for ridesharers, LAX has partnered with its airline tenants to allow their priority and first class passengers incentives upon leaving LAX such as access to a slightly shorter line for Ubers and the ability to look smugly down at the people around you. Oh, and also trail mix.

“Los Angeles is synonymous with luxury,” said an LAX representative. “That’s why we are so pleased to offer luxurious LAXit-ives, which are incentives at our LAXit lot to priority travelers.”

“If you need to get your shit out of LAX quickly, just sign up for our LAXit-ives,” said the LAX spokesperson, who immediately realized what he said and excused himself to make an emergency call to his marketing department. 

By Glen Dale