“We only have a short time on this crazy planet so make sure you spend your time here being kind to the ones you love,” were the last things said by Tom Hanks as he was hermetically sealed into a storage unit in Van Nuys until the start of the next award season.
The Avocado talked to David Rubin, President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, about the process of preserving Tom Hanks during awards off-season. “Tom is one of the last great movie stars left who isn’t a Scientologist or otherwise plagued by scandal. We are doing everything in our power to make sure he is around forever.”
I asked to speak to Mr. Hanks but was told it would not be possible. “Mr. Hanks needs his rest,” we were informed before being escorted out of the building. “But what about his family? What does he eat? Why would Tom Hanks agree to live in a storage unit?” I asked, but the response was only “Mr. Hanks needs his rest.”
Several weeks passed and I forgot about Tom Hanks until I watched part of League of Their Own on a flight and was taken aback by how good of an actor he is. I wondered what he was doing right now and became concerned that he was somehow being manipulated or taken advantage of by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. As soon as I landed at LAX, I took a shuttle to the Uber lot, waited 40 minutes for a ride, and then went to the Van Nuys storage facility where Tom Hanks was being stored.
By the time I arrived, it was night and I attempted to scale the facility’s perimeter wall. I had asked my girlfriend Molly to join me as she was a hostess at Bubba Gump Shrimp and also had a history of breaking and entering. “Wait, you idiot!” she called out at me. “There’s a security camera at 10:00. We should come in through the side.”
After making our way over the wall, Molly used her raw sexuality to trick a guard into giving us access to the inner vaults and then a lock pick to enter the corridor Mr. Hanks was being kept.
“OK, I think this is it,” she told me. “You go in first.” As I turned to open the door, she stopped me.
“Wait,” said Molly, trembling before leaning in to kiss me more passionately than I ever had been kissed before. “What was that for?” I asked, to which she just smiled and said: “Just in case something happens in there…”
As I stared at her I saw a fear grow in her eyes. “What’s the matter? What could happen in there?” But before she could answer, Tom Hanks’s unit opened.
“You just couldn’t leave well enough alone,” said a voice I recognized. “I’ll take it from here. Thank you, Molly.” It was the Academy’s President. He was holding a gun.
I turned to Molly. “What’s going on?” I asked but she said nothing. As she ran out of the room, she said she was sorry and had no choice.
“I told you that Mr. Hanks needed his rest,” said the Academy President. “Where is he?” I asked before noticing the multi-Oscar and probably BAFTA-winning actor suspended nude in a liquid chamber. “What have you done to him?” I asked, but as I did I felt two sets of powerful arms grab me. I turned and it was Tom Hanks. Two of them.
“The world needs Tom Hanks,” said the President. “So we keep him safe here and use his genetic materials to clone new Tom Hankses which we let act and send overseas to do Sake commercials. Say hello Toms,” the President said to the Toms at my shoulder.
“I know this probably sounds like just the craziest thing on Platen Earth but this is what’s best for everyone, sport. What would the world do without Tom Hanks?” said one of the Tom Hanks clones. His voice was so soothing and he exuded such a warm avuncular charm that I didn’t even think too much of the logic of it all.
“So, you understand why we must keep Tom like this, right?” the President said pointing to the naked floatee original Tom Hanks. “Yeah…I guess I do” I started before I heard a scream. It was Molly running back through the door with a spade she used to knock the two Tom Hanks clones out.
“Molly! What have you done!” called the Academy President. “That clone was supposed to voice Robert J. Oppenheimer in the next Pixar film!”
“This is evil! I won’t be part of this anymore!” screamed Molly. Without warning, I heard the gun blast.
“Molly! Molly! Can you hear me? You’ll be okay” I said but I knew it was a lie. As I stared deep into her eyes I saw the life leave. “I love you,” I told her. “I’ve always loved you.”
As we kissed one last time I felt her lips grow cold. “There are others,” she said. “Be sure to tell them too,” she said before growing limp.
“Stupid girl,” said the President. “She could have been anything she wanted with the information she had,” he said but I didn’t wait to find out what he meant. I rushed him with Molly’s shovel. As I did he fired a bullet toward me which missed. With all my might and in a blind range I knocked the man down and into the cylindrical unit holding the suspended naked body of Tom Hanks.
As the unit toppled, amniotic gel oozed out and Tom Hanks started to open his eyes. “What’s going on here? Can’t a guy get any rest?” he chuckled as he picked himself off of the floor. God, how can he always be so charming?
“Mr. Hanks, I’m so terribly sorry. This reporter and that waitress from Bubba Gump did this. I’m so sorry–”
“Dave, it’s fine, let me handle this,” said Tom Hanks, covered in ooze and still naked. As he turned to me, I felt like I was the only person in the entire world.
“Hi, I’m Tom,” he said. I couldn’t help but look down at his dick. “It’s okay, I was once in a steam room with Jack Lemmon and snuck a peak too. Human nature.” He was just so disarming. “Anyway, you need to leave and can’t tell anyone about all of this, pal. You know that, right?”
“So you want to be cloned and suspended in a tube?” I asked. “Want to? It was my idea! Look, the world is a dangerous place and that’s all fine and well for someone like you. But I’m Tom Hanks and people need me around. I show men how to grow older gracefully and we can’t leave that type of influence to the chances of a cruel world. So the clones go out and act. I come out for awards season cause that’s fun. “You haven’t seen ME act since probably Road to Perdition,” he laughed. I told him I hadn’t seen that. “Catch Me If You Can?” he asked. I nodded. “That was me. All the rest are just these clones. That one on the floor who your friend killed played Walt Disney in Saving Mr. Banks, but it’s okay we’ll make another one. Tom Hanks will be around forever.”
“I can’t just forget about it. He killed Molly! I loved her and he killed–”
“That wasn’t Molly,” interrupted David Rubin. “Not the real Molly anyway.”
“What do you mean? Who was she?” I asked.
“Molly was just a person we needed to make sure the technology was safe,” said Tom Hanks. “She was a waitress at one of our Bubba Gump Shrimps and seemed…expendable? I know that sounds bad, but you get it. She’s a little rough around the edges. The real Molly is still in one of the other units.”
“I’ll keep quiet if you give me back the real Molly,” I demanded. Tom Hanks nodded. “Fine, take her out. I can stay in her unit until mine is fixed! Thank’s a lot guy,” he said but then smiled to show he was just messing with me. God, he really is charming.
David Rubin and Tom Hanks walked me through a long hall of units filled with some of the world most beloved stars: Merryl Streep, The Rock, Billy Murray, Reese Witherspoon, David Hyde Pierce among hundreds of other celebrities we look up to as examples of how to live a better life.
“Here she is,” said David as he pressed a button and Molly’s unit started to drain. As it did I saw her lifeless body start to slowly awaken.
“Molly! Molly!” I called as she fell to the floor. “Molly, you’re safe now. I love you. I’ve always loved–“
“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!” she screamed.
“It’s me. We’re in love–”
“She doesn’t know who you are,” said David Rubin.
“What, I don’t understand–” I cried as the real Molly pushed back.
“The Molly you knew was a clone, kid. This Molly has none of her memories. You’re a stranger to her,” said Tom Hanks. “Alright, so you too love birds get out of here, I need to hibernate so they can make some new clones since somebody,” he winked at the still confused Molly, “killed two of my other clones and destroyed my chamber.”
Molly and I were escorted out of the unit. “We did love each other,” I told her after we finally made it outside. I reached out my hand for her to take.
She took my hand and stared in my eyes as if looking for something to recognize. After a moment she pulled it away again. “But that wasn’t me,” she said as she turned to walk away.