Like America itself, most people who now call Los Angeles “home” came here from somewhere else. And if they’re worth anything at all, that place was New York. Because nothing ups your cultural caché like telling the person you just met that you used to live in “the city,” here are eight battle-tested topics to help you to seamlessly crowbar your Big Apple resume into any casual conversation:
“Late Night” You were up until 10PM working on your Modern Family spec script? Wow, sounds like a late night. You know where I had some really late nights? New York, where I used to live. I once woke up at sunrise on the A-Train in a pool of my own vomit. I was on my way to a 6:00 AM after-after hours club that was actually just a morning networking meeting at an investment bank and somehow ended up in Inwood Heights. Those were the days, man. Now I’m in bed by nine every night because I’m in my thirties and all my friends are married with kids, but I’ll always have the A-Train and the satisfaction of you knowing that I used to live in New York.
Loneliness – You miss your family back home in Michigan and don’t think you can go home to see them this Winter? Puh-lease. You know where the existential crisis of knowing that you are truly alone in this world really sets in? New Fucking York, where I used to live.
Marijuana – I mean sure, I guess it’s cool that you just popped into Med Men and bought a bag of candy that will make you forget your own birthday. But you know where it was actually fun to buy weed? New York in my twenties. There’s just nothing like buying a dime bag of seeds out of a rando’s sock in Bushwick. Ever since moving to LA, I haven’t even wanted to smoke weed. There’s no fun in it, it isn’t dangerous anymore. Why yes, I am white.
Rent – I’m sorry, did you just complain about paying $2,000 a month for a 1-bedroom apartment in East Hollywood? I used to spend twice that for a converted maintenance closet in Crown Heights that I shared with fifteen mice. You have a bathroom? AND a window? I would have literally killed the Pope of Greenwich Village for my own window when I lived in Brooklyn.
Homelessness – Yeah, the crisis is pretty bad, but the homeless in Hollywood are nothing compared to the homeless in New York, where I used to live. When I was at NYU, I knew like every homeless person in Washington Square Park. I feel like I don’t know any homeless people here. The only relationship I have with them now is when I call the police on them for existing. Such a shame.
The Weather – Is that a cold brew in your hands? I miss the cold. I used to freeze my ass off when I lived in New York. I mean, sure, LA does have better weather, but 90% of my current melanin content came through a windshield, so tomato-potato, ya know?
Dough-based food: Did you just order a [pretzel, bagel, or slice of pizza]? You know you can’t get a good one in LA, right? I mean, definitely nothing like New York, where I used to live. It’s because of the water – everyone knows that nothing raises dough like over-chlorinated sewer piss.
Jeff Goldblum – Do I want to go see Jeff Goldblum play jazz at Rockwell in Los Feliz tomorrow night? You know I lived in New York, right? I saw Jeff Goldblum at Zabars literally every day. No, I didn’t talk to him. I was in New York, we don’t give a shit about celebrities. Actually…I’ll go tomorrow. It will give me an opportunity to go up to Jeff Goldblum, ask him for a selfie, and awkwardly mention Zabars to him so he knows that I used to live in New York. We New Yorkers have to stick together, you know.