You, my friend, are making it in Hollywood.
You worked your way up the ladder of a shady production house in Van Nuys, are past the point of moonlighting on USC student films for “experience,” and proudly pay a union way too much money to send emails to your junk folder. Heck, you just won a Creative Arts Emmy for your work on either an under-appreciated scripted gem or over-rated reality show and nothing in between. You are living your best professional life.
Unfortunately, your personal life is still shit.
But the Avocado can fix that. Now that you are part of Hollywood’s creative elite, it’s time for you to let the dating pool know. Just don’t be too obvious about it. A big part of being successful in Hollywood is giving off the impression that you don’t want all of the attention you desperately crave. I mean, I guess you’ll go to the Emmys since you were nominated. But you don’t really do it for the awards. You’re an artist. Oh my god, is that Rachel Bloom? Love her.
Update your profile picture, ASAP
First off, let me just say congratulations on winning a Creative Arts Emmy. That is a big deal and you shouldn’t let anyone diminish this accomplishment by telling you that it isn’t a real Emmy, because it is. And even if it isn’t, it is certainly more of a real Emmy than one of those local Emmys they’ll give to any schmohawk.
Whether you are trying to find your soul mate or just some quick action, your Tindr/Bumble/Grindr/Farmers Only profile pictures should immediately be changed to a photo of you in your Emmy outfit holding your award. You don’t want to seem like you are bragging, so make sure you have at least two other Emmy winners holding their trophies in the picture. That way the picture isn’t about showing off your victory, it’s about celebrating their victory. So selfless.
Be Evasive When It Comes To Scheduling Your Date
Success! Your Bumble profile got 20% more matches after you showed off your hardware, and it probably wasn’t only because your profile picture also had a better looking colleague in it and your matches thought they were matching with him.
Now that you matched, it’s time to start messaging. Go through the usual bullshit back and forth and then say something like:
“We should meet up. Are you free Saturday evening? I can meet you after 8:00 PM, I am busy earlier at a celebratory luncheon being thrown for Emmy winners.”
See what we did there? We didn’t say that you won an Emmy, we just mentioned you had an event to go to that afternoon for Emmy winners. Most matches will themselves play it cool and act like they aren’t impressed about the luncheon, but some may ask you directly whether you won an Emmy. “Oh, they give those things out to anyone ;-P” is the only appropriate answer.
Be cool on your date
Don’t mention your Emmy at the restaurant. It’s tacky. Instead, order the veal parm and talk about how close you are with your nephew Brandon. That will make it seem like you are nurturing and well-adjusted even though you are 36 and have not had any significant long term relationships or friendships. Ask your date if she would like to see a picture of your nephew. She will, and this is your opportunity: as you are scrolling through your photos, make sure you swipe through the 40-90 photos you took at the Emmys, including the Getty Image pictures you found on the internet and downloaded into your photo album. “Oh my god is that you and Kristen Schaal” your date will ask. “Yeah, she is such a sweetheart,” is the only appropriate answer.
Back at your place
If you followed our steps, your date should be back in your apartment. This is your chance to close the deal. Make sure your living room is uncomfortably covered with framed posters of all of the productions you ever worked on, and I do mean all of them. If you were a junior editor on Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Island Scooby right after college, then there better be a framed poster of Matthew Lillard and a fucking dog above your couch. For good measure, pepper a few copies of Infinite Jest and some Miles Davis vinyl records throughout the apartment so your date knows you are well cultured and literate.
As the two of you begin settling in for romance, offer her a glass of wine and no matter what wine you pour say something like “This was a personal gift from Jeffrey Katzenberg.” Next, encourage your date to put on some music. Point to the stack of records in the corner of your living room which, by a weird coincidence, happens to be right next to your Emmy.
“I think the Miles album is next to my Emmy,” you’ll say casually, adding “Bitches Brew is one of my all time favorites.”
“Wow, I’ve never seen an Emmy in person,” your date will remark.
“Do you want to…to touch it?” you’ll ask her as you approach. As she picks it up, she’ll remark on its weight.
“It’s so heavy,” she says as she inspects the statue.
“Outstanding Picture Editing for an Unstructured Reality Program?” she reads out loud. “What does that even mean?”
“I edited a news program about White Supremacists that aired on CNN once last June,” you’ll say seductively, leaning in, finally ready to make your move and connect with the person who could very well be your soul mate.
“Oh…they give Emmys for that? Jeez, it’s getting late and I have to wake up really early tomorrow,” she says unexpectedly.
“Oh, are you sure? You can’t just–”
“I said I want to leave. You’re making me uncomfortable,” she yells forcefully.
“Right, okay. Well it was nice meeting you,” you tell her as you slowly back away.
“Yeah, good to meet you too,” she says as she leave you to once again masturbate under the watchful eyes of the human and CGI cast of Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Island Scooby.
Like Zoinks!, you think. Such is life.