The University of Southern California announced today that it would raise the price of undergraduate tuition to $59,000 a year, a cost students believe is unfair considering the campus is effectively shut down because of Coronavirus.

“We understand this is a lot of money,” said USC’s Dean of Give Me That Fuckin’ Money, Harold Porter, but said the increased fees would be used to build a new online learning platform that will allow students to attend virtual lectures remotely, and parents to make direct payments to the school’s admission office from the comfort of their very large homes.

“With the world becoming more digital we knew we had to create a tool that allowed us to offer everything that makes USC unique online,” said USC director of admission Amanda Reed who called us from her prison cell. “These new online tools allow our students to receive a high-quality education so long as their parents pay us off first. It’s so convenient!” said Ms. Reed before our call was interrupted by guards. “You can bribe us from the app! Hey, get off of me! I want my lawyer! USC won’t let Coronavirus change ussssss!” she screamed as a guard confiscated her prison cell.

“I love the convenience,” said Donald J. Erkoff, a successful real estate developer and the parent of a USC freshman. “When I was told by [REDACTED – STATES WITNESS] that Don Jr. could get into USC on a rowing scholarship I was surprised because he’s very obese and can’t swim and has Lupus and is missing both arms and is blind in one eye and is also just sort of a mean guy who doesn’t do well in interviews. But sure enough, now he’s a Trojan and it only cost me $500,000 in small payments made out to Amanda Reed and various “non-profits” and consultancies.

The Avocado spoke to Don Jr. about his experience at USC online. The 19-year-old double-amputee said he was enjoying the online classes but felt like he was missing out on a traditional college experience. “I would have liked to pledge a fraternity in person,” said Don Jr. who is currently part of Alpha Cappa Dickhole’s online pledge class. “It’s okay, but if I wanted to get bullied online I would have stayed in high school, you know?”

When asked whether he thought it was fair that he was able to get into USC on a rowing scholarship when he was not a rower, Don Jr. said it was not fair. “If I was black I would have been able to get into freakin’ Stanford on a fake rowing scholarship,” he said, adding that he felt the college admission system needed significant reform.

Editors Note: Shortly after publication, Don Sr. asked that we remove his son’s statement that he would have gotten into Stanford if he were African American, explaining that “Don Jr. getting metooed or whatever would really fuck up his chances of getting an internship at Goldman next summer.” We told him that it would betray our journalistic integrity to remove the attribution, to which the real estate mogul promised to get us into California State University, Northridge through a fake archery scholarship if we “did him the solid.” We told Don Sr. not to insult us and declined the offer.

Fed up with recommendations from her lawyers that she plead guilty to charges that she bribed her daughters into college, actress Lori Loughlin announced to the Court that she intends to act as her own attorney moving forward.  “Have mercy,” the Aunt Becky actress told the judge overseeing her case Thursday afternoon as she asked for her trial to be delayed so she can prepare to act in her own defense. 

“This doesn’t seem like a great idea,” said Loughlin’s daughter, Olivia-Jade, who still isn’t really on speaking terms with her mother. “Oh, don’t worry!” said Lori, touched at her daughter’s concern, “I’m a lawyer now.” 

Speaking to a homeless guy outside of a federal courthouse, Loughlin explained that she decided last Thursday that it was finally time to take control of her destiny, so she called up a few favors and got USC to give her a law degree over the weekend.

“That’s great. But can I have some change?” asked the homeless man. “Oh, I don’t have any change, I’m sorry,” replied the actress who was able to obtain her Juris Doctrate after making several payments adding up to $250,000 to various USC administrators and faking an interest in rowing.  

“Law School is a lot of hard work, but ultimately well worth the sacrifice,” said Loughlin shortly before receiving a phone call from her former lawyer alerting her to the additional charges. 

Unconfirmed photo from Loughlin’s scholarship application