Despite recently removing the independent watchdog for Coronavirus funds and appointing his unqualified son-in-law Jared Kushner as Coronavirus Guru, President Trump continues to enjoy overwhelming support among Republicans who are over the age of 65, diabetic, asthmatic, anyone named Karen, and those with underlying health conditions. 

According to a new poll from Liberty University, amazingly still open for business during the pandemic, the president’s supporters overwhelmingly approve of his plan to let them all die so that he can open up the economy to improve his reelection chances.

“We’ve never seen numbers quite like this,” said Dr. Vivan Prat with Liberty University. “Frankly, we’ve never had the opportunity to take the country’s temperat–Err… I mean, gauge support of individuals in government so clearly and purposely trying to destroy them.”

The new poll found that those likely to die because of President Trump’s plan to stop the coronavirus pandemic by giving the virus a pre-approved small business loan were 30% more likely to support it. A whopping 67% said Trump’s plutocratic solutions are what this country needs right now. They were also most likely to retroactively strip the South Korean film “Parasite” of the Oscar and give it to the Netflix docuseries “Tiger King.”

“That Tiger King never gave a single person coronavirus,” explained Karen Billingsley, 78, of Newport Beach during a special emergency meeting of the Flatearthers Alliance of Irvine-Laguna [FAIL]. “They should put that Parasite in jail.”

The meeting took place this past Sunday in a secret room at an Orange County Dave & Buster’s in direct response to the poll. Billingsley told The Avocado that the meeting was held specifically to ensure “no one gets out of line and blames Trump.” When asked whether the meeting’s attendees followed the CDC’s recommended face mask and six-foot social distancing guidelines, Billingsley became irate and threatened to smash several avocados in effigy before using them to make a delicious “cuck-a-mole.”

After calming down and popping a double dose of her blood pressure medication, Billingsley explained: “That poll was too soft and we expect more from the Trump faithful…He’s doing a hell of a job making sure my cruise to the edge of the earth is still on for Summer Solstice. Provided I live through this, I mean.”

Editor’s Note: She did not. 

By Jerry Garcia

October 10 is World Mental Health Day, and mental health advocates around the world are applauding President Donald Trump for his work as a spokesperson for the mentally ill. “I’m basically the Obama for mentally ill and completely unstable presidents,” Trump gloated to a photoshopped image of himself as a much younger and thinner man that he keeps around because mirrors are biased and completely unfair. 

“It’s so wonderful that the general public gets to see someone actively suffering from a serious mental health condition in a position of such great authority,” said Cal State Northridge psychologist Dr. Abraham Bunsendof (with an umlaut over the first “u” but I don’t know how to add that one in WordPress). “Donald Trump is a textbook example of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and his success will surely be an inspiration to other narcissists all over the world.”

The clinical criteria for diagnosing Narcissistic Personality Disorder are described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, the primary taxonomic publication for diagnosing psychological conditions that, yes, used to call homosexuality a mental health disorder, but forget about that for the time being as I make fun of Trump. The DSM defines Narcissistic Personality as:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);

(2) Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love;

(3) Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions);

(4) Requires excessive admiration;

(5) Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations;

(6) Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends;

(7) Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others;

(8) Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her;

(9) Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

When presented with the criteria, Trump was impressed. “You know, it says you only need five or more of those factors to get Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but I have all nine factors and probably more, so I guess you can say I am the greatest narcissist in the entire world, probably in the history of the world if you’re gonna be honest, and anyone who says otherwise is probably a spy,” Trump told the photoshopped picture of himself, which upon further inspection was just a photo of Alec Baldwin from the 1980s.

Donald Trump has vowed to ban e-cigarettes after the Center for Disease Control reported at least six people have died from vaping. 

“We need to do everything we can to protect our children,” said Donald Trump shortly before learning about the next inevitable school shooting. When asked whether the President would do anything to prevent the more than 30,000 gun deaths that occur in the U.S. every year, the President said “nah.” 

The use of e-cigarettes among middle and high school students has been steadily increasing over the last few years, while at the same time cigarette smoking has dramatically decreased among the youth despite still looking so fucking cool. The Avocado spoke to some young people about why they decide to vape instead of smoke. 

“I would gladly smoke a cigarette, but they smell so bad and are so noticable. Juuls allow me to vape throughout the day, whenever I want. Even in class. And I fucking need nicotine throughout the day or I’m completely on edge,” said 14-year-old vaper Carolina Fartface as she brought a Juul stick to her lips. The Avocado tried to ask her what on earth could make a 14 year-old so stressed, but our interview was interrupted by an active shooter drill.