They can’t stop all of us!” yelled House Rep. Steve Scalise as he banged at a secured door behind which a bipartisan committee was listening to testimony that the President of the United States abused his office for political gain, or, as we say in America, the usual. 

After several attempts to enter the room, House members gathered in a circle and decided they would employ “Plan B” and have Oklahoma Congressman Rep. Fred Keller juggle in front of news cameras. 

“Do you really think that’ll work?” asked Keller. “You bet your sweet ass it will,” said Rep. Jim Jordan who is definitely not gay so just stop with all those rumors. 

“Hey everyone, look at this!” yelled Scalise as he pushed Keller in front of cameras where he nervously juggled three balls in the air, only dropping them a few times. 

“Hey! He’s pretty good at this,” said one CNN reporter before asking the Congressman why he was juggling in the halls of Congress.

“To create a distraction!” he said, which caused him to briefly drop the balls. “It’s hard to talk and juggle at the same time,” he laughed as Rep. Jim Jordan, who is not gay so just shut up guys, handed Keller the dropped balls, their hands briefly touching. 

“What is your reaction to the information coming out of the committee that the President abused his office by tying Congressionally approved aid for Ukraine to the investigation of Trump’s political rivals,” yelled a reporter at Fred Keller, causing him to become distracted and drop his balls again. 

“Let me get those for you, Fred,” said Rep. Jim Jordan, who is not gay, with a wink.

“Look, I can’t react to what has occurred in the Democrat’s secret impeachment hearing because they won’t let us into the hearing,” said Rep. Keller, as he gave a coy smile to Jim Jordan, who is not gay. 

“But Representative Keller, you are a member of the House Oversight Committee and are allowed to be in the room where the investigation is taking place and are allowed to participate,” said a reporter.

Keller again dropped his balls as he contemplated the questions. “Why am I here?” he asked himself as he considered how he got to the point where he was willing to give up his responsibility to hear testimony accusing the President of the United States of serious crimes in favor of protesting with 13 other Congressmen who were also allowed in the room over feeling excluded from the room that they left.

As Keller looked back at his colleagues he saw them for what they were: showmen, grandstanders, diabetics. Is this really who he was? Is this how his parents raised — but then he saw Jim Jordan, who is not gay. 

“What are you doing Fred? Answer the question,” said the heterosexual Congressman as he adjusted Fred Keller’s tie and fixed his collar, as he had done so many times before. 

The two smiled at each other. 

 “I’m acting in solidarity with those members of Congress who are not allowed in the hearings, to review testimony, or read transcripts of this secret inquiry…I believe the way this inquiry is being conducted is unfair and it needs to stop,” said Fred Keller in an actual non-satirical quote, click the link.

“But Rep. Keller, how does that make any sense?” shouted a reporter before, to his rescue, Rep. Jim Jordan handed the three balls to Fred Keller. 

“We don’t owe them an answer,” whispered Jim Jordan who is not gay to his colleague. “Now just keep on juggling.”

October 10 is World Mental Health Day, and mental health advocates around the world are applauding President Donald Trump for his work as a spokesperson for the mentally ill. “I’m basically the Obama for mentally ill and completely unstable presidents,” Trump gloated to a photoshopped image of himself as a much younger and thinner man that he keeps around because mirrors are biased and completely unfair. 

“It’s so wonderful that the general public gets to see someone actively suffering from a serious mental health condition in a position of such great authority,” said Cal State Northridge psychologist Dr. Abraham Bunsendof (with an umlaut over the first “u” but I don’t know how to add that one in WordPress). “Donald Trump is a textbook example of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and his success will surely be an inspiration to other narcissists all over the world.”

The clinical criteria for diagnosing Narcissistic Personality Disorder are described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, the primary taxonomic publication for diagnosing psychological conditions that, yes, used to call homosexuality a mental health disorder, but forget about that for the time being as I make fun of Trump. The DSM defines Narcissistic Personality as:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);

(2) Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love;

(3) Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions);

(4) Requires excessive admiration;

(5) Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations;

(6) Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends;

(7) Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others;

(8) Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her;

(9) Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

When presented with the criteria, Trump was impressed. “You know, it says you only need five or more of those factors to get Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but I have all nine factors and probably more, so I guess you can say I am the greatest narcissist in the entire world, probably in the history of the world if you’re gonna be honest, and anyone who says otherwise is probably a spy,” Trump told the photoshopped picture of himself, which upon further inspection was just a photo of Alec Baldwin from the 1980s.

Donald Trump has vowed to ban e-cigarettes after the Center for Disease Control reported at least six people have died from vaping. 

“We need to do everything we can to protect our children,” said Donald Trump shortly before learning about the next inevitable school shooting. When asked whether the President would do anything to prevent the more than 30,000 gun deaths that occur in the U.S. every year, the President said “nah.” 

The use of e-cigarettes among middle and high school students has been steadily increasing over the last few years, while at the same time cigarette smoking has dramatically decreased among the youth despite still looking so fucking cool. The Avocado spoke to some young people about why they decide to vape instead of smoke. 

“I would gladly smoke a cigarette, but they smell so bad and are so noticable. Juuls allow me to vape throughout the day, whenever I want. Even in class. And I fucking need nicotine throughout the day or I’m completely on edge,” said 14-year-old vaper Carolina Fartface as she brought a Juul stick to her lips. The Avocado tried to ask her what on earth could make a 14 year-old so stressed, but our interview was interrupted by an active shooter drill.