In this weekly series, The Avocado gives advice and technical support to its aging millennial audience. Poor things, they’ve been told they’re young for so long that they are having a hard time realizing they’re old.
So you want to join Tiktok? Great! And you’re in your 30’s? You used to have a Good Charlotte poster on your wall? In high school? Jesus, okay, here’s how you do it. And you’re serious about this? Okay, here’s how to do it.
Step 1: Maybe don’t?
Sweetheart, you know deep down this isn’t for you, right? Do you really want to learn choreographed dances? To what end? You’ll never be as popular as Charli D’Amelio. You’ve never heard of him? Well, he has 47 million followers on TikTok. And he is also a girl. And also gender is a construct, and you would know all of those things if you were young enough to join TikTok, which you are not.
How can I put this in terms you’ll understand? Okay, remember when you were 14 and your mom took you to Warped Tour to see Good Charlotte and before the show you waited for some old punk band from the 80s like The Descendents to finish and while you were texting on your Sidekick you watched as all of these 40-year-old dudes ran around in a mosh pit holding onto their glasses so they wouldn’t fall off and how after the show they all tried to talk to you about the Dead Kennedys or whatever? Remember that? That’s you on TikTok…
I’m sorry. It happened. It’s like when your mom first joined Facebook and kept tagging you in inspirational posts and on scanned pictures of you as a kid that had the wrong rotation and a white outline around it from the scan. Remember how annoying that was?
That’s how your little cousin is going to feel about you joining TikTok and tagging her in whatever appropriated dance is trending to a song you’ve never heard of before, or worse, to a song you used to like unironically when you were young and the culture catered to you.
Okay, but we’re in the middle of a quarantine and you don’t have anything else you can do, so you still want to know how to join TikTok? Okay…
Step 2: Have you considered reading a book?
Look at all the books you have in your apartment that you have never even read! Wuthering Heights! That’s probably good. So is Jane Eyre and Freakonomics and Infinite Jest and all of those Malcolm Gladwell books you keep buying for some reason. Why not read one of them? You’ll feel better about yourself and can post age-appropriate photos of dog-eared books next to a glass of red wine that your mom will like on Facebook.
You could even listen to an audiobook and tell people you spent your quarantine catching up on reading. It’s cheating, but we’ll allow it if you promise not to join Tiktok.
You hate reading and want to join TikTok? Uch, FINE!
Step 3: But you’ve still not seen The Wire.
It’s The Wire! Idris Alba and Michael B Jordan before they were stars. You are potentially passing up an opportunity to be one of those people who have seen The Wire…
Think about it. You’re at a party sometime in the future, when we have parties again, and someone mentions they were born in Baltimore.
“Oh, have you seen The Wire?” you’ll ask, excitedly.
“I have,” they’ll say, having been asked that question every day of their fucking life.
“I love The Wire!” you’ll say, pausing for a moment so the group can admire you before adding, “The second season by the Wharf wasn’t so great, but overall it’s the greatest show ever made.”
Still no? You really want to join TikTok?
Step 4: Can’t you just do an Instagram Live video instead?
Instagram live is basically TikTok for 30-year-olds in that its consists of a deluge of poor quality video content, but has the added benefit that no one will likely watch you live and the evidence of your failed entertainment attempts will be deleted after 24-hours.
Yeah? We got a deal? Great! Okay, follow us on Instagram at @TheAvocadoLA. We’re going live tonight at 7!