Saturday Night Live is holding open auditions for new cast members skilled at both impersonating celebrities and having absolutely no record of them existing prior to being cast on the show.

“We’re looking for a complete unknown,” said SNL Casting Director Lindsay Shookus. “Our ideal candidate is someone polished enough for live television that has never attempted humor outside of the confines of their own bathroom.”

“We’re looking for a toilet comedian,” said Ms. Shookus’s other Casting Director, Matt Mchugh, being unhelpful.

“I wish we could just find someone that is painfully shy from a place without internet access,” said Ms. Shookus as she disqualified a promising applicant after NBC forensics discovered her 2002 LiveJournal account. “That’s how we found Bill Hader. Before SNL he only performed to himself in an Oklahoma mirror inconveniently far from the closest cell tower.”

Comedians without internet access interested in being on Saturday Night Live can apply to the show via telegram or by asking the switchboard operator to connect you to “Murray Hill 5-9975.”

“We know the next Beck Bennett is out there somewhere,” said Ms. Shookus, before admitting there will never be another Beck Bennett.