Madison Alquarashi wants you to know she is not your typical mom. “I am not your typical mom,” said the Santa Monica-based 33-year-old part-time yoga instructor.

“I take an active role in my children’s upbringing and, as a result, have developed a truly unique parenting philosophy,” said Madison, the widowed heir to the Alquarashi oil fortune while promoting her new parenting book “Mrs. Alquarashi’s Flirty Sexy Mommy’s Guide To Raising Woke Children Who Are Strong, Intersectional, and Woke” (self-published). [Editor’s Note: Madison Alquarashi paid us $260.00 to write this article]

Madison Alquarashi says that she wrote her book as a tribute to her recently deceased husband, Rabbi Walter Wattenbaum, who passed away following an unexpected bout with measles. “Everything I do is a tribute to him,” she said as she outlined her plans to expand the Flirty Sexy Mommy brand to include online content, a reality TV series, and her own line of scented oil or some bullshit.

When asked to distill her parenting philosophy, Madison said it was impossible because she takes a holistic approach to her “gift” of being a parent. I then reminded her that she only paid me $260 and that she better pick three bullet points so I can get on the 405 back to Northridge before rush hour. After several moments in deep thought and then a quick call to her ghostwriter, Pam, Madison laid out her three top parenting tips:

First, Madison employs a strict “no screen time” rule for her four children, Bryce Nova (11), Aiden Harper (9), and twins Topher Sadie and Assadula Al-Mohammad (7). “One time Aiden had a playdate with a boy whose mother showed him an episode of Daniel The Tiger. He hasn’t been the same since,” said Madison. “I was so furious at her, but that’s what I get for letting him make friends with someone from The Valley.”

Second, she insists her children only eat organic, halal vegan meals, which she prepares herself. “Our children are the womanifestation of what they are exposed to,” adding “You see what I did just then? I said ‘womanifestation’ instead of ‘manifestation’ because I don’t think our language should be gendered, and if it is gendered, then why not gendered for women?”

Finally, Madison said she was adamant that organizations like the American Medical Association should not be telling parents like her to inject vaccines and other toxins into the bodies of children. “The doctors want me to vaccinate my children for measles, but those same doctors weren’t able to save my husband’s life when he caught measles from my children. So why should I trust that they know anything about stopping measles?” said Madison before she excused herself to rub some essential oils on little Assadula Al-Mohammad’s head as he had recently contracted measles. “Doctor’s are only in it for the money,” she added before offering to sell me some Flirty Sexy Mommy branded CBD peppermints.

When asked what made her qualified to offer such controversial parenting advice, Madison explained that she had watched hundreds of hours of Youtube videos and also had taken several doses of ayahuasca in a Palm Desert trailer from a shaman she found in the back of the LA Weekly. “During my hallucination, I witnessed my own conception and birth and saw that I was a product of love. I puked my fucking brains out. It was a really enlightening and detoxifying experience and convinced me that vaccines are evil,” she explained before excusing herself to attend to Assadula who was upstairs vomiting. “Don’t worry about him, I gave him some oils, he’ll be fine.”

This article is dedicated to the memory of Assadula Al-Mohammad Alquarashi and Rabbi Walter Wattenbaum.

Madison Alquarashi’s book Mrs. Alquarashi’s Flirty Sexy Mommy’s Guide To Raising Woke Children Who Are Strong, Intersectional, and Woke can be purchased by sending her a message directly on Facebook.