Guest Editorial by Richard Burr, Republican Senator from North Carolina

As the Chair of the Senate’s intelligence community, I know first hand how dangerous a challenge Covid-19 has been for our country and our economy. But just because a global, worldwide economic depression is at our door doesn’t mean we should be passive! There are plenty of things you can do to manage your financial portfolio so long as you have the foresight, financial capital, and access to classified information weeks before the rest of the Country. 

Corona Money Tip 1: Do your research! 

Sound money management is all about research! One thing you should know about the free market is it reacts to large, worldwide events in a very predictable manner. So the trick is simply knowing when those big events will occur. In this case, information that the U.S. economy would crash was out there if you knew where to find it: In classified briefings given to select members of the U.S. Senators. 

Now, I’ve been seeing a lot of complaining from the Fake News media that it is somehow “unfair” for Senators like me to use information obtained in classified briefings for their financial profit, and while it might technically be “illegal”, my position is what was I supposed to do with the knowledge that the economy was going to collapse? Warn my constituents? No. Sell off my hotel stocks? Yes! 

Corona Money Tip 2: Sell stocks that represent the things we loved about our old way of life

When I was a boy growing up in North Carolina I knew a man who did maintenance on my daddy’s cotton farm, his name was N***** John. You know, maybe that wasn’t his name but just what my daddy used to call him. Anyway, N***** John would save all his money so he could leave the farm for a week every three years to go see his wife and kids in Barbados. It was through N***, let’s just call him John since I don’t want to stir up the P.C. police–It was through John that I learned the value in investing in airlines and aerospace companies. As I grew up I realized that lots of poor people work solely to allow them to experience little moments of happiness such as going to a restaurant at the end of the week or staying in a hotel on vacation. It’s pathetic when you think about it, but is a valuable insight into how to manage your portfolio. 

When you learn (See Corona Money Tip 1) that a viral outbreak will prevent people like John and other poor folk from traveling or going to sit down restaurants like Red Robin or Chili’s or leaving their homes, it’s time to sell-off your position in all of the industries that give people joy! 

Corona Money Tip 3: Invest in companies that do well in a quarantine

The economy isn’t all bad though! With everyone stuck inside or dying in a hospital, there is plenty of opportunities to invest in companies like Netflix or medical supply companies that make masks and ventilators. I got a hunch (see Tip 1 again) that ventilator manufacturers will see a great ROI this year. Other areas of growth are telework companies, toilet paper and bleach, liquor, and pornography. 

Corona Money Tip 4Brush off the haters

I became a Senator because I wanted to help my constituents. And there is no better way of helping the public through an economic depression than ensuring the status of your own economic security. That’s how trickle-down economics works.

But not everyone will be happy for me and my colleagues for reading the very obvious signs shared with us in secret intelligence hearings about the impending economic collapse. I’m sad to say that some disgusting people will suggest that those of us who have profiteered off of our position in government and this crisis should be arrested or tarred and feathered or shamed or hanged or worse, forced to clawback our profits. But you should do your best to ignore those democrats and poor people because you have an obligation to you and your family to make as much money as humanly possible no matter the consequences or the ethics of it. That’s America, and that’s why I love her. 

By Richard Burr (R) Sen-NC. 

After an exciting day of marching against the patriarchy, 28-year-old Catherine Torres-Smith returned home to make dinner for her family. “I would have liked to have stayed out to protest the gender roles women in this country are still somehow forced to adhere to, but I had to get home to prepare dinner before it got too late.”

Awaiting Mrs. Torres-Smith at home was her husband, Dominic, who had spent the day eating Chipotle and watching Succession before falling asleep on the couch for several hours, during which time the family’s dog shat twice on the floor and the couple’s two-year-old son Jacob made a mess of the living room.

Not wishing to disturb her sleeping husband, Catherine quietly cleaned up the numerous wrappers and glasses he had accumulated throughout the day, walked the dog, and cleaned up the messes he and Jacob made during her husband’s nap before starting a sophisticated roasted chicken recipe that her mother-in-law sent to her earlier that week.

How was the protest thingy?” Dominic called to his wife in the kitchen after waking. “The Women’s March. It was great,” said Catherine as she julienned carrots. “There was a speaker there from Planned Pare…,” Catherine began to say before being cut off. “Babe, I’m sorry, but how long until dinner?” “About 20 minutes,” she said, completely forgetting what she was saying before.

As Catherine continued to prepare supper, Dominic quietly walked into his office and masturbated to a sexually aggressive video of three men becoming intimate with a pig-tailed 18-year-old girl, but was not able to finish before hearing his wife tell him dinner was ready. “Give me a minute,” he yelled as Catherine set the table and knowingly waited for her husband to finish pleasuring himself.

When Dominic finally arrived at the table his dinner was waiting for him. “The chicken is probably cold, do you want me to heat it up?” Catherine asked, to which her husband said that she didn’t have to. “I’m not too hungry. I had Chipotle for lunch,” he told her as he took a few bites of chicken and none of the vegetables, noting that the food was very good, but too salty.

Over dinner, Dominic told Catherine every detail about his uneventful day before asking his wife about hers and the Rally for Women’s Rights she attended. “I can’t believe we still have to protest for equal rights for women,” said Dominic sincerely before telling his wife that he loved her and returning to the couch, leaving Catherine to clean off the table.

“It’s pretty fucking unbelievable,” sighed Catherine as she returned to the kitchen to wash the dishes.

A large group of supporters gathered Monday outside of the Orange County headquarters of the Coronavirus as the deadly disease surged to become the leading alternative to Democratic Socialist Bernie Sanders, who currently polls at 34% in the California Democratic primary.

“I had originally planned to vote for Pete Buttigieg,” a 35-year-old Bel Air man tried to explain before being carted off to an emergency room.

The sirens underscored the urgency some of these young-ish white folks felt in trying to stop Senator Sanders, the Democratic frontrunner. The somewhat psychotic influx of support for the Coronavirus has put the respiratory disease, which kills around 2% of its supporters, into second place in the latest Super Tuesday poll at 24%, just ahead of Warren (17%) and former Vice President Joe Biden (12%).

Some 24% of respondents in the Earthlink-AOL poll show Coronavirus is preferable to any of the other Democratic candidates in a dwindling field.

“I wanted Amy Klobuchar,” a midwestern transplant said between muffled coughs through her homemade paper face mask cobbled together from a six-foot long CVS receipt. “Now that she’s out, I’m going to my local polling place to see if I can change my vote to Corona,” she added. “Someone has to stop Bernie.” 

The rally comes on the heels of Klobuchar and Buttigieg both endorsing Biden. “They’re not thinking clearly,” said one transplant from Chicago. “Biden and Obama deported a lot of people. Coronavirus is the only candidate who has reached across all borders.”

In an email, Senator Sanders responded to the Coronavirus by urging all Americans to “make sure you wash your hands and don’t touch your face.”

Biden responded by asking, “What about chewing on my wife’s fingers?”

In a written statement, a spokesperson for Coronavirus said, “Coronavirus is a serious public health threat. Fourteen cases have been diagnosed in the United States, in addition to 39 cases among repatriated persons from high-risk settings, for a current total of 53 cases within the United States. The U.S. government and public health partners are implementing aggressive measures to slow and contain transmission of COVID-19 in the United States…Implementation of basic precautions of infection control and prevention, including staying home when ill and practicing respiratory and hand hygiene, will become increasingly important. Also, you should just wash your fucking hands even when there’s not a pandemic at your doorstep, you uncouth neanderthals.”

By Jerry Garcia

“I don’t get it, they have a wall…how is this thing spreading?” yelled Donald Trump to no one in particular from his toilet during a Fox & Friends commercial break. “Maybe their wall wasn’t big enough?” the President asked himself, vowing to get to the bottom of this as soon as he finished.

The Avocado can confirm that after his poo, Mr. Trump called a meeting of senior members of the Center for Disease Control, telling them they needed to devote all agency resources to the construction of a wall that was “way bigger” and, therefore more effective at viral containment, than the Great Wall of China, which Trump remarked wasn’t even so great if you ask him.

Doctors for the CDC tried to explain to the President that a wall would not solve this (or any other) problem, and that the best way U.S. residents to protect themselves from Coronavirus was to wash their hands.

“That’s ridiculous, we need a wall,” said Trump as he shook the CDC director’s hand knowing he still hadn’t washed it despite having already poo’d and eaten and poo’d again that afternoon. It was a power move he learned from Roy Cohn and Mallrats.

The Avocado was granted permission to speak with the CDC director, who by the time of our interview had been replaced with Vice President Mike Pence. When asked whether the administration was competent enough to address a world-wide pandemic, Mr. Pence assured it was.

“The Trump administration would address Coronavirus with the same level of competency and professionalism it addresses every issue of national importance” said Pence, noting he had already been in talks with several government preachers who were developing new prayers to stop the spread of Coronavirus, and also mass shootings and homosexuality while they’re at it.