We at the Avocado are often asked for advice on how to be a “Good Angelino.” In this series, we provide all the help you’ll need to look like you actually belong in Hollywood and aren’t just an out of your league poser from Cherry Hill, New Jersey or worse, Arizona.

We’ve all been there: You’re out with friends seeing a potential future Best Picture nominee staring Rachel Weisz (or is that Jennifer Connelly?), when the credits finally begin. The movie was three hours long and you really need to pee and check your notifications, so you stand up to leave. Suddenly, the entire theater looks at you like you put on a MAGA hat. Congratulations, you piece of shit, now all of your new friends from acting class think you are an unsophisticated rube who has no respect for the fine men and women people who worked so hard to make that boring movie you hated.

It’s time you learned that going to the movies in Los Angeles isn’t like going to the movies in Oklahoma or wherever you and Bill Hader are from. Well, I’ll tell you what I told Bill when he and I started Hebrew school at Camp Rama: we all need to pee, Bill, but now that you are in Hollywood you need to hold it in while everyone pretends to care about the name of Adam Driver’s wardrobe assistant’s assistant.

The theatrics (sorry) of sitting through the credits of a movie may cause you to wonder why you can’t instead just pull up IMDB and feign recognition of John Wick’s 2nd A.D. from your phone as you exit the theater or why it is counterintuitively a sign of sociopathy to watch the credits on Netflix. Well, the answer to those questions is: “Shut Up.” Going to the movies still means something and is special in Los Angeles, and will always be special for another 2-4 years until all new content will be available to stream and all of the movie theaters will be converted to condos or mattress stores.

So hold it in, pretend to be interested in the visual effects team, and for God’s sake make sure to clap throughout the entire credits sequence even if you feel like an idiot doing so because clapping at the end of a movie is an objectively idiotic thing to do. If you’re gonna make it this business, you’re gonna need to do a lot of stupid things. You might as well start now.

Next week we’ll discuss the proper way to drive past the 400 cars waiting patiently to merge onto the 405 so you can get where you’re going because you are more important than them and what to do if you run into Lenny Kravitz in Echo Park (just a tip: don’t mention his penis).

When Emanuel Zacharewicz moved to Los Angeles from Nebraska three years ago, he had one goal in mind: Become a famous actor. But that goal is becoming more difficult now that James Dean has come out of retirement to start fucking acting again. 

“I can’t compete with James Dean!” said Emanuel, whose previous roles include Man Who Accosted Judd Apatow At The Valet In front Of Craft and Shift Leader at Coffee Bean. “I frankly haven’t had much success getting cast as it is. Now I need to compete with a CGI James Dean?”

For young actors like Emanuel, trends such as CGI versions of dead actors and de-aging Robert DeNiro to a time before Bad Grandpa makes the prospect of breaking into Hollywood more challenging. But for studios, these technological advancements are a dream come true. 

“Actors are notoriously difficult people. But computer generated dead actors are great. They are never late to set, almost never sexually assault anyone, I mean, how could they anyway? And they don’t have agents,” said producer Danielle Fischer-Smith. “I wish all the actors I worked with were dead. You know what I mean.” 

While news that a computer generated James Dean will star in the upcoming war drama Finding Jack has been met with disdain by actors of all levels in Hollywood, some believe such new technologies represents a huge opportunity.

The Avocado spoke with actor and longtime James Dean fan Kevin Spacey, who was excited about both the news and that he had an interview request: 

“I think this is a great thing for actors whose careers have died,” said the disgraced actor who says he has been contacting visual effects companies to inquiry whether it is possible to make him look, feel, and also for the public to react to him, like it was 1999 again.

“Remember American Beauty?” pleaded Kevin Spacey, “or KPAX?” to which the effects artist responded “I’m sorry, Mr. Spacey. I really can’t help you.” 

“That’s alright. James Dean hasn’t worked in 50 years and he just scored a major motion picture. Shows you that it’s never too late for a comeback in Hollywoodland,” said Kevin Spacey, who molested a teenage costar and then blamed it on his being gay.  

The reboot trend continues in Hollywood with the cult 90s drama My So-Called Life becoming the latest popular television show to find a new so-called life. The teen drama is in pre-production and will debut next year on Disney’s new streaming service.

My So-Called Life was a pivotal show for an entire generation,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger, who was reportedly involved in greenlighting the series. “The show meant a lot to me when I was a young man in my mid-40s and I think the day-to-day dramas of suburban Pennsylvanian teenagers will be just as relevant to today’s forty-somethings.”

The reboot will center around the multi-ethnic adopted children of Angela Chase (Claire Danes) and Brian Krakow (Devon Gummersall) as they attend Liberty City High. The original cast will reprise their roles, with the notable exception of Jared Leto’s heartthrob character Jordan Catalano, who will now be played by Joaquin Phoenix.

“The decision to recast an iconic character is never easy, but when an actor of Joaquin Phoenix’s quality becomes available you do what you need to do to make it happen,” said Joaquin Phoenix before sort of mumbling to himself for a while and then walking away.

This isn’t the first character Jared Leto has played that has been recast to Joaquin Phoenix. Earlier this year Leto expressed frustration that Phoenix was picked to play the titular villain in the wildly acclaimed film Joker only a few years after Leto played the character in the wildly panned Suicide Squad film.

When asked about Disney’s decision to recast his Catalano character, Leto was decidedly upset.

“I don’t understand why everyone thinks Joaquin Phoenix is a better actor than I am. I have an Oscar and he doesn’t!” complained Mr. Leto. To be honest, we didn’t think that sounded right, but Googled it and it turns out that Leto won the Academy Award for playing a transgender woman in the 2013 film Dallas Buyers Club, the last possible year where a CIS man could get away with that shit. I also guess I thought Phoenix won the Oscar for playing Johnny Cash, but he lost to Philip Seymour Hoffman which I guess I’m okay with because R.I.P. Phil. 

When asked what drew him to Catalano’s character, Joaquin Phoenix explained that he is always looking for roles that upset Jared Leto.

“He’s too good looking, you know what I mean? I don’t know, I just don’t trust it,” mumbled the actor before he walked away. I somehow understood exactly what he meant.

Can a movie really be the “Best Picture” if it is longer than two hours? Certain members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science don’t think so and are proposing a sub-two-hour runtime limit for films to be eligible for Oscar’s top prize.

The proposal was instigated by a messy incident that occurred during a screening of Quentin Tarantino’s new film Once Upon a Time in Hollywood in which an unnamed Academy member named Gerard Depardieu reportedly “pissed all over himself.”

Clocking in at two hours and forty-five minutes, Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood features exquisitely acted and masterfully shot scenes that flow together without ant intermediate climax to alert you when to go and pee. The runtime was reportedly especially taxing on the Academy’s older voters, some of whom complained of having to leave the theater upwards of five times. “At some point, you have to ask yourself, ‘why are movies so long?” said a retired producer who hasn’t made anything in 22-years but still gets a vote for some reason.

The proposal to impose a runtime requirement for Best Picture nominees has been met with contempt from filmmakers who argue doing so would cause past Best Picture winners like Gone With The Wind (3 hr 58 min), Lawrence of Arabia (3 hr 48 min), and Ben Hur (3 hr 44 min) to not even be nominated. In a statement, Academy president John Bailey said he understood the criticism, but argued that three hours today is a lot longer than three hours in the 1950s and that anything longer than two-hours should really just be viewed as a limited series and be under the Emmy’s jurisdiction. “I had 57 emails waiting for me when the movie let out, that’s unacceptable,” he added.

When asked to respond to the Academy’s view that movies are too long, Quentin Tarantino told us that he “rejected our hypothesis” before announcing he had directed a two-hour short film that will play immediately before future Once Upon A Time…in Hollywood showings at his New Beverly Cinema.