“North Carolina is beautiful this time of year,” said Los Angeles travel expert Kiki Palamero when asked what travelers headed to Los Angeles should know. “Maybe go there instead?”

“Uch, fine,” said Ms. Palamero when pressed to advise travelers intent on a trip to Los Angeles: “Try and fly into LAX at least three hours earlier than you planned to if you have to catch an Uber or Lyft. Oh and stay out of Silverlake.”

The advice comes after LAX changed its ridesharing policy to require passengers to now be picked up at a dedicated rideshare lot. The new “LAXit” lot’s rollout has been called a “complete disaster” and plagued by painfully long wait times for passengers needing to leave the airport so they can go sit in traffic on the 405 for a few hours. 

“Oh, you plan on arriving any time between 7:00 AM and Midnight?” asked Ms. Palamero. “Then you need to fly into LA four hours earlier than you planned because of traffic. But seriously, have you ever been to Salt Lake City? There is like no one there!” 

In an effort to expedite exit times for ridesharers, LAX has partnered with its airline tenants to allow their priority and first class passengers incentives upon leaving LAX such as access to a slightly shorter line for Ubers and the ability to look smugly down at the people around you. Oh, and also trail mix.

“Los Angeles is synonymous with luxury,” said an LAX representative. “That’s why we are so pleased to offer luxurious LAXit-ives, which are incentives at our LAXit lot to priority travelers.”

“If you need to get your shit out of LAX quickly, just sign up for our LAXit-ives,” said the LAX spokesperson, who immediately realized what he said and excused himself to make an emergency call to his marketing department. 

By Glen Dale

Southwest Airlines will begin offering routes between Burbank and LAX next month. The 32-mile flight will take six minutes and cost travelers $250, a price many Valley residents flying out of LAX to other cities say is worth avoiding the commute and long security lines at LAX.

“When we were first presented with the idea of a Burbank to LAX flight, we thought it was like, hella stupid,” said Southwest spokesperson Mohammad Al-Quarim Benhamo. “But then we realized that if you live in the Valley and can get through security at Burbank in like ten minutes, then it actually makes a ton of sense to fly over to El Segundo and then connect to your final destination from LAX.”

“Holy shit, that does make sense,” said me, having just recently spent an hour and a half driving from North Hollywood to LAX to catch a flight to Baltimore. “I have to get to LAX two hours early to make sure I get through security with enough time, which means I had to leave my house four hours before my flight. I think Southwest may actually be on to something,” I wrote, now realizing that the Article I began to write as a joke may actually be the best development in air travel since deciding to cancel your trip at the last minute and doing nothing. “Too bad it’s on Southwest.”