“The museum was built in the 1970s and its architecture is very clearly contemporary with that time period,” interrupted collections manager Gary Takeuchi, an actual person with no idea why his name ended up in this article.
“I’m sorry?” said Victor Lewis.
“You said that the museum looks like it’s from the Jurassic period, but given its design aesthetics and materials it is obviously mid-century modern.”
“Oh, it was just a joke. Because the Tar Pits are so old and the museum is outdated it feels like the museum itself is from the Jurassic period,” explained the architect.
“Ah, I get it,” said Gary.
“Great, so as I was saying–”
“But the Tar Pits are from the last Glacial Period, not the Jurassic Period.”
“Can we just move on,” said Lori Bettison-Varga, who oversees the National History Museums of Los Angeles County, the entity that manages the tar pits.
This excruciating presentation was one of many by architectural firms across the country vying to redesign the museum surrounding the La Brea Tar Pits, one of several museums in the Fairfax District going through what many in the area describe as an “unnecessarily gaudy redesign.”
“It wasn’t too long ago that the Miracle Mile area presented a reasonable aesthetic where one could enjoy a museum or watch the children of orthodox Jews sneak off to smoke cigarettes before Shabbas,” said nearby resident Velvel Solomon. “I’m just afraid all of these museum are becoming so outlandish that the neighborhood is losing its otherwise grungy charm.”
“With all due respect, fuck that guy,” said architect Victor Lewis, who unveiled a design that he promised would “knock the dicks off those suckers at LACMA.” Mr. Lewis’s design will feature over 60,000 square feet of event space available for private events and “probably a few T-Rex skeletons or something, we’ll let the nerds figure that out.”
“A T-Rex really would be quite anacronistic for this museum” began Gary, before being shut down by Ms. Bettison-Varga again.
While Mr. Lewis’s firm is one of several competing to redesign the museum, he told the Avocado that he is very confident his plan will be selected.
“They absolutely loved my idea for an onsite bakery called “Jurassic Snack” that he says will serve pies with the “Best Crustaceous, Period,” an idea widely seen as innovative and adorable by everyone in the room except Gary, who didn’t care for the pun.