Jeremy Ireland has been a vegan for going on two years. “I feel better, I’ve lost weight, and I am no longer contributing to the environmental harm caused by the cattle industry,” said the 27-year-old process server who will still eat a double-double or two when coming home from the bar with his dudes.
The Avocado met up with Ireland at a Hollywood In-N-Out where he explained that, despite being a vegan, there is “nothing better than a couple of burgers after leaving a bar.” When asked why he didn’t opt for a meatless burger option, a very drunk Ireland justified his decision as mostly an economic one. “Bro, I just spent $18 a drink at a bar. Impossible Burgers are like $15 minimum at every restaurant and low key make my burps taste like dog food. I’m not a Kardashian, sometimes you just need a $3 In-N-Out burger, so fucking sue me.”
Ireland, whom I just met that evening, immediately apologized for lashing out and then sloppily told me how much he loved me before biting into a double-double and moaning so loudly at how good it tastes that every former film student in the restaurant replied “I’ll have what he’s having!” in unison, all thinking they were being so goddamn clever.
The Avocado spoke with Ireland the next morning about whether he still identifies as a vegan after his late-night In-N-Out indulgence. “Oh for sure, veganism is the only diet that makes sense from both an ethical and biological standpoint, I mean, have you seen Forks Over Knives?” When questioned about the hypocrisy of eating burgers while professing to be a vegan, Ireland was unphased, arguing “I was drunk, so it didn’t count,” a response so logically problematic that we decided it was best we leave.
We reached out to In-N-Out’s corporate office and learned that a large part of their revenue stems from intoxicated vegans and vegetarians going against their belief systems. When asked whether In-N-Out would consider providing meatless alternatives to its customers, the representative informed us that there is a 40-minute wait at every Los Angeles drive-through no matter what time of day and that the company didn’t feel it needed to accommodate what it viewed as “fringe lifestyle choices” before asking me whether I had chosen Jesus as my personal Lord and savor.