Guest Editorial by Richard Burr, Republican Senator from North Carolina

As the Chair of the Senate’s intelligence community, I know first hand how dangerous a challenge Covid-19 has been for our country and our economy. But just because a global, worldwide economic depression is at our door doesn’t mean we should be passive! There are plenty of things you can do to manage your financial portfolio so long as you have the foresight, financial capital, and access to classified information weeks before the rest of the Country. 

Corona Money Tip 1: Do your research! 

Sound money management is all about research! One thing you should know about the free market is it reacts to large, worldwide events in a very predictable manner. So the trick is simply knowing when those big events will occur. In this case, information that the U.S. economy would crash was out there if you knew where to find it: In classified briefings given to select members of the U.S. Senators. 

Now, I’ve been seeing a lot of complaining from the Fake News media that it is somehow “unfair” for Senators like me to use information obtained in classified briefings for their financial profit, and while it might technically be “illegal”, my position is what was I supposed to do with the knowledge that the economy was going to collapse? Warn my constituents? No. Sell off my hotel stocks? Yes! 

Corona Money Tip 2: Sell stocks that represent the things we loved about our old way of life

When I was a boy growing up in North Carolina I knew a man who did maintenance on my daddy’s cotton farm, his name was N***** John. You know, maybe that wasn’t his name but just what my daddy used to call him. Anyway, N***** John would save all his money so he could leave the farm for a week every three years to go see his wife and kids in Barbados. It was through N***, let’s just call him John since I don’t want to stir up the P.C. police–It was through John that I learned the value in investing in airlines and aerospace companies. As I grew up I realized that lots of poor people work solely to allow them to experience little moments of happiness such as going to a restaurant at the end of the week or staying in a hotel on vacation. It’s pathetic when you think about it, but is a valuable insight into how to manage your portfolio. 

When you learn (See Corona Money Tip 1) that a viral outbreak will prevent people like John and other poor folk from traveling or going to sit down restaurants like Red Robin or Chili’s or leaving their homes, it’s time to sell-off your position in all of the industries that give people joy! 

Corona Money Tip 3: Invest in companies that do well in a quarantine

The economy isn’t all bad though! With everyone stuck inside or dying in a hospital, there is plenty of opportunities to invest in companies like Netflix or medical supply companies that make masks and ventilators. I got a hunch (see Tip 1 again) that ventilator manufacturers will see a great ROI this year. Other areas of growth are telework companies, toilet paper and bleach, liquor, and pornography. 

Corona Money Tip 4Brush off the haters

I became a Senator because I wanted to help my constituents. And there is no better way of helping the public through an economic depression than ensuring the status of your own economic security. That’s how trickle-down economics works.

But not everyone will be happy for me and my colleagues for reading the very obvious signs shared with us in secret intelligence hearings about the impending economic collapse. I’m sad to say that some disgusting people will suggest that those of us who have profiteered off of our position in government and this crisis should be arrested or tarred and feathered or shamed or hanged or worse, forced to clawback our profits. But you should do your best to ignore those democrats and poor people because you have an obligation to you and your family to make as much money as humanly possible no matter the consequences or the ethics of it. That’s America, and that’s why I love her. 

By Richard Burr (R) Sen-NC. 

Grocery stores can’t stock enough toilet paper. The CDC has announced hospitals are running dangerously low on masks. And now, amidst the COVID-19 pandemic, the Writers Guild of America (WGA) has announced its own nationwide shortage on reasons why you haven’t finished your pilot yet.

On Tuesday, the WGA released this statement: “With so many writers furloughed from their day jobs, bars where networking events are held being closed, and how boring it is to brainstorm with your writing partner over Skype, we have an unprecedented dearth of reasons why the nation’s writers haven’t been able to finish their scripts. We ask for your support on behalf of all writers during this difficult time of uncertainty around the novel coronavirus.”

Hours after this statement was released, a record number of computer files titled “Coronavirus” intended to be novels were created. As of Thursday evening, fewer than 7% of those files have been opened a second time.

Michelle Crown, a WGA employee who wished to remain anonymous, told The Avocado “We’re trying to help by manufacturing new explanations, but it’s difficult when writers have so much free time. So far, all we’ve got is ‘actually falling ill,’ and ‘the anxiety surrounding this pandemic is paralyzing’,” said Ms. Crown, admitting she was in charge of coming up with additional excuses but ended up just binging Love Is Blind all night instead.

“Typically, I’m too busy to write as much as I’d like, so right now it’s… I mean, it’s hard to do all the outlining when I have to go to…” stuttered Daniel Easton, screenwriter by day and server by night. Mr. Easton was let go from his serving job on March 15th. His comedy pilot, however, titled Coming of (Los) Age-eles about five roommates in their twenties trying to “make it” in the entertainment industry, loosely based on his own life experience, has not been worked on at all since.

“A lot goes into the creative process before you even start a script!” Mr. Easton insisted when asked why he has not started on his pilot. He was unable to provide specifics as to what those things might be.

Prominent WGA member Aaron Sorkin talked to The Avocado about the WGA’s excuse shortage. “Well, when writing any pilot, you start by doing a lot of research into law and politics, so there are still some reasons why pilots aren’t getting written,” the noted political writer said. Upon hearing this, a flurry of people came within six feet of us, seemingly desperate for Mr. Sorkin’s blessing to turn their lead characters into lawyers with hearts of gold, and politicians with hearts of gold, and Mark Zuckerbergs. None of these clamoring writers seemed concerned about contracting COVID-19, with one woman, Jessica Ward, being heard saying “Getting sick is the only real reason for me to not be writing” as she licked a nearby door handle.

The Avocado followed up with Ms. Ward a few days later who reported that although she still wasn’t sick, she had gotten distracted from her research by re-watching The West Wing. “But,” she said, “I’m almost at the point in season 5 when Rob Lowe leaves the show, and then I’ll stop being distracted, and THEN I am going to write something really killer!”

The average reader of this publication has at least one idea for a pilot sitting in a file somewhere on their computer. You have this article open instead of working on that idea. But, then again, so do I.

The Avocado emailed prolific writer Tyler Perry for comment on the WGA’s statement and the inability of many writers to use this time off to be productive, but the television and feature film writer deleted it believing it to be a GoFundMe page for his out of work PAs.

By Emma Lieberman

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“The Upright Citizens Brigade is like a family,” said 28-year-old improv teacher and Podcast host Jeremy Reynolds shortly before finding out he would be fired immediately without severance. “No, that can’t be right? UCB wouldn’t just not pay us during the middle of a crisis,” said Mr. Reynolds of the theater he has paid over $2,500 to for improv classes and performs at twice a week for free. “What happened to ‘I got your back?'”

As the world grips with the economic fallout from Coronavirus and the Nation’s improvisers struggle to steal each other’s jokes on Twitter and practice their character work on Instagram live, many are looking to UCB’s founders, Matt Walsh, Ian Roberts, Matt Besser, and particularly Amy Poehler who is fucking loaded, to provide a cushion to, if not the hundreds of UCB performers who work for free, than at least UCB’s staff who relies on the theater for their weed and livelihood .

“I literally can’t do anything else!” said Jeremy Reynolds when faced with the thought of buying food and paying rent without a job. “No one is going to hire me to teach them improv on the internet and I don’t even know when I would be able to now that I’ve taken on a full-time quarantine podcasting schedule.”

The Avocado braved the quarantine to seek comment at UCB’s Franklin location, but no one was there. As I walked back to my car I was intercepted by a Scientologist from the Celebrity Center across the street where I was told all about Dianetics and how it protects against the spread of the virus. As I sat with Diane, a 48-year-old Scientologist leader and learned about her religion, I told her about the story I was working on.

“That’s horrible! They make so much money, they should really help their staff at a time of worldwide crisis,” Diane told me before asking me to sign a billion-year contract pledging my fealty to the Church and its late-founder L. Ron Hubbard.

Editor’s Note: Because of capitalism, a GoFundMe to help UCB’s staff has been set up.

Editor’s Updated Note: My agent just saw the post, fired me, and told me I would never work in comedy again. Accordignly, a GoFundMe to help myself will be set up shortly.

Madison Alquarashi does not understand why there is not a cure for Coronavirus yet. “We pay a lot of money in taxes and expect the government to protect its citizens,” said the 33-year-old Santa Monica mother of four. “We want a cure now! And not one of those cures that causes Autism like those other vaccines the government tries to push down our throat.” 

During a phone interview with the Avocado, Ms. Alquarashi explained her frustration at the world-wide pandemic and the inconvenience of staying at home with her kids now that she won’t let her nanny, Esmerelda, in the house anymore. “Esmerelda is a lovely person, but let’s be honest, she lives in Reseda and I don’t want whatever she is picking up on the bus around my children during this pandemic,” explained Ms. Alquarashi, who said she takes social distancing very seriously. “I’ve been very vigilant about staying at home with my kids all day, except for the one pilates class I go to in the afternoon which is really like medically essential in my opinion.”

When asked about the possibility of remaining socially isolated for several months, Ms. Alquarashi expressed frustration that the government has not yet found a cure for Coronavirus. “The government needs to find a cure for this thing fast! I can’t just not go to yoga for three months,” she explained, adding that a Coronavirus treatment is especially important since her family has a history of serious health issues. 

“My children are all immunocompromised and have a history of contracting measles, mumps, and rubella,” explained Ms. Alquarash as she dabbed a cold compress on her youngest, Nathanial’s forehead. “Contracting coronavirus could be really dangerous for them so we need a cure fast,” she pleaded. “And I better not read online when it does come out that it causes autism, in which case I am not giving it to my children.” 

This article is dedicated to the memory of Nathanial Alquarashi. 

A large group of supporters gathered Monday outside of the Orange County headquarters of the Coronavirus as the deadly disease surged to become the leading alternative to Democratic Socialist Bernie Sanders, who currently polls at 34% in the California Democratic primary.

“I had originally planned to vote for Pete Buttigieg,” a 35-year-old Bel Air man tried to explain before being carted off to an emergency room.

The sirens underscored the urgency some of these young-ish white folks felt in trying to stop Senator Sanders, the Democratic frontrunner. The somewhat psychotic influx of support for the Coronavirus has put the respiratory disease, which kills around 2% of its supporters, into second place in the latest Super Tuesday poll at 24%, just ahead of Warren (17%) and former Vice President Joe Biden (12%).

Some 24% of respondents in the Earthlink-AOL poll show Coronavirus is preferable to any of the other Democratic candidates in a dwindling field.

“I wanted Amy Klobuchar,” a midwestern transplant said between muffled coughs through her homemade paper face mask cobbled together from a six-foot long CVS receipt. “Now that she’s out, I’m going to my local polling place to see if I can change my vote to Corona,” she added. “Someone has to stop Bernie.” 

The rally comes on the heels of Klobuchar and Buttigieg both endorsing Biden. “They’re not thinking clearly,” said one transplant from Chicago. “Biden and Obama deported a lot of people. Coronavirus is the only candidate who has reached across all borders.”

In an email, Senator Sanders responded to the Coronavirus by urging all Americans to “make sure you wash your hands and don’t touch your face.”

Biden responded by asking, “What about chewing on my wife’s fingers?”

In a written statement, a spokesperson for Coronavirus said, “Coronavirus is a serious public health threat. Fourteen cases have been diagnosed in the United States, in addition to 39 cases among repatriated persons from high-risk settings, for a current total of 53 cases within the United States. The U.S. government and public health partners are implementing aggressive measures to slow and contain transmission of COVID-19 in the United States…Implementation of basic precautions of infection control and prevention, including staying home when ill and practicing respiratory and hand hygiene, will become increasingly important. Also, you should just wash your fucking hands even when there’s not a pandemic at your doorstep, you uncouth neanderthals.”

By Jerry Garcia

“I don’t get it, they have a wall…how is this thing spreading?” yelled Donald Trump to no one in particular from his toilet during a Fox & Friends commercial break. “Maybe their wall wasn’t big enough?” the President asked himself, vowing to get to the bottom of this as soon as he finished.

The Avocado can confirm that after his poo, Mr. Trump called a meeting of senior members of the Center for Disease Control, telling them they needed to devote all agency resources to the construction of a wall that was “way bigger” and, therefore more effective at viral containment, than the Great Wall of China, which Trump remarked wasn’t even so great if you ask him.

Doctors for the CDC tried to explain to the President that a wall would not solve this (or any other) problem, and that the best way U.S. residents to protect themselves from Coronavirus was to wash their hands.

“That’s ridiculous, we need a wall,” said Trump as he shook the CDC director’s hand knowing he still hadn’t washed it despite having already poo’d and eaten and poo’d again that afternoon. It was a power move he learned from Roy Cohn and Mallrats.

The Avocado was granted permission to speak with the CDC director, who by the time of our interview had been replaced with Vice President Mike Pence. When asked whether the administration was competent enough to address a world-wide pandemic, Mr. Pence assured it was.

“The Trump administration would address Coronavirus with the same level of competency and professionalism it addresses every issue of national importance” said Pence, noting he had already been in talks with several government preachers who were developing new prayers to stop the spread of Coronavirus, and also mass shootings and homosexuality while they’re at it.