In Rona’s wake, the Arnez family of Orange County is struggling just like the rest of the world. In just a month, Zachary and Abby Arnez’s 401(k) portfolio is down 30% and the mostly working class tenents in their Van Nuys investment property have lost their jobs and likely won’t be able to pay rent on April 1.

“This is all really inconvenient,” said Zachary Arnez, an insurance litigator  who has been working from home.  “On top of everything, because I make several hundred thousand dollars a year I don’t even qualify for stimulus money.”  

“Once again, the Federal Governemnt leaves the upper-middle-upper class people like myself out to dry,” complained Mr. Arnez. “But instead of complaining about things like those liberals in Congress, I decided to pull myself up by my bootstraps and call my colleague Brett  who is a corporate tax lawyer and had him incorporate my family as a regional airline. Now we’re getting $4.6 million in government subsidies which we will use for food, shelter, and to pick up several more distressed properties when the housing market finishes collapsing.” 

We asked Mr. Arnez how he could just call himself an airline all of a sudden. “I’m an airline, you can check the records,” he told us shortly after applying for the million in government funds. We asked him if he were really an airline then where did he fly and where are his planes. “We have no planes or flights scheduled,” he said, reasoning “that’s why this bailout is so important for us.”

The Avocado tried to speak with Zachary’s coleague, Brett Wilkinson, himself a recently Panamanian chartered cruise vessel receiving over 2.5 million in government bailout money, but he refused to sit down with us without a retainer. He did tell us, however, that because he is now technically flagged in Panama, he was in the process of applying for several grants set up for small Hispanic businesses.   

Author’s Note: Shortly after turning in this article I was fired from this job without severance. Thankfully, I make less than $75,000 a year and am eligible for a one-time payment of $1,200. My rent is $2,400 a month.

Author’s Second Note: On advice of counsel I have incorporated as the Kennedy Center for The Arts in order to recive $25,000 in federal funds earmarked for it in the stimulus package.