“This is an important day for trans people of color,” Scarlett Johansson told reporters after learning she would be nominated for a Best Actress Oscar for Marriage Story and somehow also Best Supporting Actress for Jojo Rabbit.

It was 5:00 AM when she made this statement, and at first the other reporters and I assumed we were still groggy and misheard her. “I’m sorry, Scarlett–are you suggesting that you are transgender and also a person of color?” I asked.

“What, of course not,” said the Actress. “That would be offensive, shame on you. I am a trans person of color, meaning I sometimes identify as a person of color for movies. It’s a very specific form of method acting I picked up Johnny Depp. Technically, I am a transtrans person of color because I can also play trans people of colors,” she said. “I’m an actress, silly. I can play any character I want. Sometimes they are white, and sometimes they are Asian, and sometimes they have short hair, and sometimes they are transgender. So yes, I’m a trans-trans person of color, but I’m also so much more.”

As I tried to work out the algebra of her statement I couldn’t help but think this was an unforced error on her part. “I’m sorry, I don’t understand,” I admitted. “Can you give me some more insane examples?”

“Sure,” said ScarJo. “In Jojo Rabbit I play a pure-bred German woman, so during the filming I was trans-European even though I’m not German, although I technically am an Aryan. I’m an actress, I play roles. It’s like when I starred in Ghost World, I was playing trans friends with Thora Birch because, in reality, we didn’t get along very well. I think she was jealous because I am prettier than her.”

“Oh, I get what you’re saying,” I said and told her that I thought she was incorrect and tried to explain why, but she had already moved on and was promoting her new Marvel film Black Widow where she will reprise her role as Natasha Romanoff, a role she says she hopes will empower trans-superheroes and trans-Russian assassins everywhere.

As the press pool started to break up we asked Scarlett Johanson if she had any other feelings she wanted to share about receiving two nominated Oscar nominations. “I just want to say that I’m proud that someone that looks like me could achieve this level of success in our industry and to remind everyone for no reason that I still very much support Woody Allen.”

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