They can’t stop all of us!” yelled House Rep. Steve Scalise as he banged at a secured door behind which a bipartisan committee was listening to testimony that the President of the United States abused his office for political gain, or, as we say in America, the usual. 

After several attempts to enter the room, House members gathered in a circle and decided they would employ “Plan B” and have Oklahoma Congressman Rep. Fred Keller juggle in front of news cameras. 

“Do you really think that’ll work?” asked Keller. “You bet your sweet ass it will,” said Rep. Jim Jordan who is definitely not gay so just stop with all those rumors. 

“Hey everyone, look at this!” yelled Scalise as he pushed Keller in front of cameras where he nervously juggled three balls in the air, only dropping them a few times. 

“Hey! He’s pretty good at this,” said one CNN reporter before asking the Congressman why he was juggling in the halls of Congress.

“To create a distraction!” he said, which caused him to briefly drop the balls. “It’s hard to talk and juggle at the same time,” he laughed as Rep. Jim Jordan, who is not gay so just shut up guys, handed Keller the dropped balls, their hands briefly touching. 

“What is your reaction to the information coming out of the committee that the President abused his office by tying Congressionally approved aid for Ukraine to the investigation of Trump’s political rivals,” yelled a reporter at Fred Keller, causing him to become distracted and drop his balls again. 

“Let me get those for you, Fred,” said Rep. Jim Jordan, who is not gay, with a wink.

“Look, I can’t react to what has occurred in the Democrat’s secret impeachment hearing because they won’t let us into the hearing,” said Rep. Keller, as he gave a coy smile to Jim Jordan, who is not gay. 

“But Representative Keller, you are a member of the House Oversight Committee and are allowed to be in the room where the investigation is taking place and are allowed to participate,” said a reporter.

Keller again dropped his balls as he contemplated the questions. “Why am I here?” he asked himself as he considered how he got to the point where he was willing to give up his responsibility to hear testimony accusing the President of the United States of serious crimes in favor of protesting with 13 other Congressmen who were also allowed in the room over feeling excluded from the room that they left.

As Keller looked back at his colleagues he saw them for what they were: showmen, grandstanders, diabetics. Is this really who he was? Is this how his parents raised — but then he saw Jim Jordan, who is not gay. 

“What are you doing Fred? Answer the question,” said the heterosexual Congressman as he adjusted Fred Keller’s tie and fixed his collar, as he had done so many times before. 

The two smiled at each other. 

 “I’m acting in solidarity with those members of Congress who are not allowed in the hearings, to review testimony, or read transcripts of this secret inquiry…I believe the way this inquiry is being conducted is unfair and it needs to stop,” said Fred Keller in an actual non-satirical quote, click the link.

“But Rep. Keller, how does that make any sense?” shouted a reporter before, to his rescue, Rep. Jim Jordan handed the three balls to Fred Keller. 

“We don’t owe them an answer,” whispered Jim Jordan who is not gay to his colleague. “Now just keep on juggling.”

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