When Emanuel Zacharewicz moved to Los Angeles from Nebraska three years ago, he had one goal in mind: Become a famous actor. But that goal is becoming more difficult now that James Dean has come out of retirement to start fucking acting again. 

“I can’t compete with James Dean!” said Emanuel, whose previous roles include Man Who Accosted Judd Apatow At The Valet In front Of Craft and Shift Leader at Coffee Bean. “I frankly haven’t had much success getting cast as it is. Now I need to compete with a CGI James Dean?”

For young actors like Emanuel, trends such as CGI versions of dead actors and de-aging Robert DeNiro to a time before Bad Grandpa makes the prospect of breaking into Hollywood more challenging. But for studios, these technological advancements are a dream come true. 

“Actors are notoriously difficult people. But computer generated dead actors are great. They are never late to set, almost never sexually assault anyone, I mean, how could they anyway? And they don’t have agents,” said producer Danielle Fischer-Smith. “I wish all the actors I worked with were dead. You know what I mean.” 

While news that a computer generated James Dean will star in the upcoming war drama Finding Jack has been met with disdain by actors of all levels in Hollywood, some believe such new technologies represents a huge opportunity.

The Avocado spoke with actor and longtime James Dean fan Kevin Spacey, who was excited about both the news and that he had an interview request: 

“I think this is a great thing for actors whose careers have died,” said the disgraced actor who says he has been contacting visual effects companies to inquiry whether it is possible to make him look, feel, and also for the public to react to him, like it was 1999 again.

“Remember American Beauty?” pleaded Kevin Spacey, “or KPAX?” to which the effects artist responded “I’m sorry, Mr. Spacey. I really can’t help you.” 

“That’s alright. James Dean hasn’t worked in 50 years and he just scored a major motion picture. Shows you that it’s never too late for a comeback in Hollywoodland,” said Kevin Spacey, who molested a teenage costar and then blamed it on his being gay.  

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