BREAKING NEWS: Your office’s Thanksgiving potluck lunch will feature 15 side dishes and not a single god-damn entree. Just like last year.
”This is a complete disaster,” said Deborah, the office manager, to herself as she placed yet another bowl of mashed potatoes onto the table. “This party has way too many starches,” she thought as she welcomed Hector from accounting who brought the party’s third bag of tortilla chips.
“Ummmm, is this gluten-free?” Wendy from marketing asked Deborah about a bowl of mashed potatoes.
“Potatoes don’t have gluten in them. They are potatoes,” answered Deborah, to which Wendy just looked really confused.
“Ummmm, ok, cause I legit have celiacs disease,” said Wendy, even though she doesn’t.
“Uch, why do we even have these fucking potlucks,” said Deborah under her breath as she placed a package of some of the hardest and most unappealing dinner rolls she had ever seen on the problematic vinyl tablecloth she picked up without noticing its pattern of jolly Native American caricatures she knew was going to be the subject of a conversation with HR before the day was over.
CEO James Morales told the Avocado that he insists on having a Thanksgiving lunch every year because it cultivates a familial environment at work. “That’s why people love working here so much. We’re each other’s family — isn’t that right Vanessa?” James called out to his assistant Vanessa Ireland who hates him.
“How’s everyone liking the party?” James asked a group of employees scooping up mashed potatoes and tortilla chips like he had anything to do with organizing it.
“Hey, where’s the turkey? How can we have a Thanksgiving potluck without turkey?” James began to complain loudly.
“Deborah, why isn’t there a turkey? Weren’t you supposed to make one?” James asked Deborah, who was just told to organize the party on top of her already busy workload just last week and was what? Also supposed to cook a turkey for 20 people too?
“I have to cook a turkey for my own ungrateful family for Thanksgiving! Why on earth would I cook a turkey for this stupid party? Who even wants to eat a turkey two days before Thanksgiving? No one even likes turkey to begin with. This whole party is a fucking disaster. I have a masters degree, what am I doing with myself?” Deborah thought to herself as James and the whole office awaited her answer.
“I’m sorry,” Deborah apologized for some reason before scooping up a ladle of cold mashed sweet potatoes onto her plate and going back to her desk to cry.
“What’s with Deborah?” James asked Vanessa rhetorically before going back to telling his staff all about his new Tesla.