California Governor and killer-in-a-90’s-Lifetime-Movie, Gavin Newsom, is under fire for hosting an indoor birthday dinner at the world-famous restaurant The French Laundry in Northern California. Speaking to reporters following his weekly manicure and schvitz, Newsom acknowledged it was a mistake to get caught attending his celebratory birthday dinner, but noted The French Laundry is his favorite restaurant and it was his birthday, after all, so just be cool guys. 

As infection rates for Coronavirus continue to spread throughout the State, Governor Newsom spoke of the need for Californians to restrict indoor as well as outdoor dining in Los Angeles and most other California counties. The restrictions begin on Wednesday evening.

Newsom’s announcement that both indoor and outdoor dining rooms would need to close was met by frustration by both patrons eager for a return to normalcy and the restaurant industry which has been devastated by restrictions aimed at stopping the spread of Coronavirus. When asked whether the ban on in person dining was absolutely necessary to stop the spread of Coronavirus, Governor Newsom said that the recommendation came directly from the CEO of the California Medical Association who, and this is true, attended the Governor’s fucking indoor birthday celebration.  

 “These restrictions aren’t arbitrary,” Newsom told the frustrated crowd, adding “I’m not doing this for my own health,” before realizing the phrase didn’t work well in this context. 

To combat the public’s anger at hypocritically hosting a dinner celebration in his honor while simultaneously restricting dining for everyone else, Governor Newsom told reporters he empathized with the public’s desire to return to normal and, to appease those still angry with him, would even permit restaurants to continue to serve customers indoors, so long as they reached no more than 50% capacity and held three Michelin Stars. 

The Avocado reached out to Governor Newsom to ask whether he thought it was fair to create a health exemption for only seven restaurants within the State, but we were unable to reach him because he was getting a spray tan before a dinner party at Atelier Crenn