Dear Raphael Bob-Waksberg, 

My name is Milo and it would be great if you could help me break into Hollywood as a comedy writer. I am a very nice person with over 1000 followers on Instagram and have seen almost every episode of Frasier. My favorite episode is the Ski-Lodge and my least favorite are the ones that focus on Bulldog. I know it may be presumptuous to ask for help, but my mom went to high school with your mom and they recently spoke and agreed it was a good idea for you to talk to me about how to make it in Hollywood, which I interpreted as helping me find a job. 

I’ll be honest, I have never seen BoJack Horseman or Undone and decided not to watch them before writing you since they are out of production and therefore are of no use to me. I hear they’re good though! Congrats, dude! Do you have any TV shows that are currently in production that you could staff me on to write? I was an editor at my college newspaper and wrote a Home Improvement spec script for a creative writing class there that I think is really good. It revolves around Tim’s youngest son, Taran Noah Smith, starting a relationship with a woman twice his age who tricks him into making an unwise investment in a medicinal marijuana company. Tim has to get him out of the contract with the help of Jill and Al Borland. I can send it to you so you can give me notes on it before passing it on to your agent! Your mom said you would be more than happy to do so! 

Thanks for your time and I look forward to working with you,

Milo Paul Gosselaar (Bonnie’s son)


Dear Megan Amran, 

Hello! I hope this message finds you well and that you are still receiving emails from this @harvard.edu address. My name is Milo and my brother John Diamond worked at Harvard at the same time you were enrolled! He is still there doing IT and when I told him I wanted to be a comedy writer he volunteered to give me the email addresses of all the folks on the Lampoon listserv. He’s a great guy and very encouraging of my dreams. 

While I didn’t myself attend Harvard I figured you would like to help me become a successful comedy writer because of this shared Crimson connection. Us Ivy League people need to stick together and I would truly appreciate you connecting me to someone who runs the Simpsons. Don’t get me wrong, I think you’re great on Twitter and all, but if this is going to happen I need to get to the people at the very top and they were at Harvard before email addresses. 

Truly yours, 

Milo Paul Gosselaar (John’s brother)


Dear Mark Paul Gosselaar, 

This is awkward, but I am your son and badly need your help getting a job writing comedy for television. My mother, Bonnie, was part of NBC’s accounting team during the College Years and I believe the two of you met and became intimate during an NBC sponsored retreat in San Luis Obispo. She is the one who encouraged me to reach out to you and sends her best.  

I am a huge fan of the show Mixed-ish which you star and would like a job writing for the show. As you are Dutch and my mother’s family is German, I feel like I have the insights required to write about a mixed-race experience. I was also a huge fan of Franklin and Bash and would also appreciate an introduction to Breckin Meyer who I think could get me a job writing for Robot Chicken. 

Thanks dad and I love you, 

Milo Paul Gosselaar (your son)


Dear Mario Lopez, 

This is awkward, but I am your son and badly need your help getting a job writing comedy for television. My mother, Bonnie, was part of NBC’s accounting team during the College Years and I believe the two of you met and became intimate during an NBC sponsored retreat in San Luis Obispo. She is the one who encouraged me to reach out to you and sends her best.  

I am a huge fan of the show Entertainment Tonight and need your help finding me a job writing comedy for television. I know that ET isn’t a “comedy show”, but I figured someone must write the jokes you make about staying in a Marriott or whatever. I also saw that you recently played yourself in an episode of Brooklyn-99 and thought you could also reach out to its producers to see if I could work on that show.

Thanks dad and I love you, 

Milo Lopez (your son)


Dear Dustin Diamond, 

This is awkward, but I am your son and badly need your help getting a job writing comedy for television. My mother, Bonnie, was part of NBC’s accounting team during the College Years and I believe the two of you met and became intimate during an NBC sponsored retreat in San Luis Obispo. She is the one who encouraged me to reach out to tell you that you owe her 28-years of child support and if you do not pay then she is going to take you back to court. 

Thanks and I was wondering if you had a direct line for Mark Paul Gosselaar, he has not been returning my emails. 

Milo Diamond (your son)