The LA Weekly, once the paper of record for Los Angeles cultural news, will rebrand as “LA Monthly” and replace its editorial staff with an auto-dialer that asks those who pick up to advertise with the magazine.

The change comes less than two years after the majority of the magazine’s editorial staff were fired by new corporate owners, Semanal Media, LLC, who at the time justified the paper’s lack of commitment to original journalism as “fuck off, we’re just trying to sell ads for weed dispensaries.” 

“Remember when the LA Weekly used to mean something in this town?” asked an elderly man hanging out all day at a Western Bagel to no one in particular. His reaction is consistent with many long-time LA Weekly readers who have complained that the paper has gotten thinner and less useful since it was purchased by Semanal Media. But for Semanal Media, these changes are part of its overall strategy to “make that money and get that pussy,” which is not coincidentally its corporate mission statement.

“When we took over the LA Weekly it produced way too much great original content!” said a Semanal executive who asked to be identified only as “BigDaddyKoolDik” because he says it makes him look cool. “But we’re a free newspaper, so every dollar we spend on reporting means less profit for me and my wives. So the decision was made to transition to an advertisement-only publication.” 

The newly branded LA Monthly will be published monthly, will be quadruple its current length at 8 pages, and will feature a diverse array of advertisements for massage parlors, vape lounges, and concerts for Led Zeppelin tribute bands playing deep in the Valley.

When asked whether there was a concern that a lack of original content would cause fewer people to pick up his publication in the first place and, as a result, mean fewer people would be exposed to the publication’s ads, BigDaddyKoolDik said no one at Semenal Media was worried or had even thought about that before. 

“The LA Weekly has a deep, rich, well-respected history and a loyal fanbase. We’re sure those fans will still religiously pick up our publication and flip through the paper in the naive hope that there is once again interesting original content.”

“But won’t those readers be upset when they see that there is no original reporting?” I asked BigDaddyKoolDik, to which he responded, “Who gives a shit, kid? The point is they flipped through the paper, saw our weed ads, and made us some money.”  

UPDATEThe Avocado has been purchased by Semenal Media, LLC. As part of the acquisition, our new corporate overlords have asked us to disclaim the jokes made in this article and to let our readers know that Sister Hazel will be playing at the Canyon Club in Agoura Hills on Valentines Day as part of their “All For You 25th Anniversary Tour.” Meet and greet packages are still available. 

Update: I have been fired.