“We want the LA Auto Show to represent what car culture is in Los Angeles,” said conference spokesperson Timothy Penisfeldschmidt. “This year we have set up several exhibitions we believe replicate what it’s like to drive in Los Angeles and think guests willing to sit in traffic for a couple of hours to get to the Convention Center are going to really enjoy them.”
The Avocado asked Mr. Penisfeldschmidt to describe some of the features of the Auto Show that he is most excited about:
The “Your Boss Describes His Tesla While You Try To Get Work Done” Talent Pageant
“We want to celebrate that the auto industry has embraced the “Green Revolution,” said Mr. Penisfeldscmidt. “Not in a real way, since the majority of car manufacturers support Trump’s efforts to roll-back environmental standards. But in a superficial, self-serving type of way. We feel the best way to do this is by highlighting some of Los Angeles’s environmental heroes: Forty-something yuppies who have a Tesla and wear Patagonia vests.
“I love my Tesla. I’ll never go back to a gas-guzzler,” said 44-year-old divorcee and your boss, David Huck, during the Auto Show’s talent competition in which electric car owners compete for the title of “Most Oblivious.”
“I don’t even miss my Lexus,” said Mr. Huck during his winning performance of talking about his Tesla without prompt while wearing a Patagonia vest at 4:45 PM on a Friday as his employee politely tries to finish her work.
“Shit, I was actually going to say the same thing,” said second-place winner, a different 44-year-old CEO in a Patagonia vest who segued telling you about his Tesla into a discussion about why he supports Andrew Yang.
The Indecipherable Vanity License Plate Gallery
“Nearly 70% of vehicles in Los Angeles County feature vanity license plates, and all of them are indecipherable and stupid,” said Penisfeldschmidt. “We want to give these vain owners a place to showcase their art and explain themselves.”
Among the plates featured in the Auto Show’s collection is a plate that reads “BGDGRFN” on a 2017 C-Class, a Nissan with the plate “Titayz” and a mini-van with a license plate called “GASPAIN.”
“Why would someone want a license plate that says “Gas Pain?” said one of the gallery’s guests, a 44-year-old in a Patagonia vest.
“Like all great art, it makes you think,” replied Penisfeldschmidt, whose own car has a license plate that reads “PEN15FS” and isn’t allowed at his daughter’s elementary school.
The WAZE-MAZE : It’s a Labyrinth That Allows You To Negligably Shortcut Conference Lines By Taking You So Inconveniently Out Of Your Way You Wish You Just Stayed On The Fucking 405
One of the most frustrating things about driving in Los Angeles is traffic. But luckily, our corporate sponsors Waze allows Angelenos to get to their destination sometimes seconds faster by taking them deep into dangerous residential areas where there are no street lights or cell service.
“We wanted to replicate that experience so we developed a “Waze Maze” which allows conference guests to short-cut long bathroom and food lines by making them walk several miles on a circuitous track to save what will amount to only a few seconds off their total wait time. We think the Waze Maze replicates all of the inconveniences associated with using a tool that was trying to make your life more convenient,” said PEN15FS.
Public Transit Corridor
“Even though this is the Auto Show, we support public transit in Los Angeles,” said Mr. Penisfeldschmidt. Accordingly, we have worked with Los Angeles’s Metro Authority on our “Public Transit Corridor” which is what we are calling the back entrance where the Auto Show’s mostly Hispanic support staff can enter the Convention Center.
The Avocado asked whether guests of the Auto Show could take public transit, but were told that while someone could technically take the Metro Blue line to the Convention Center and get off at the Pico Station, doing so would add at least an hour to their commute and it makes more sense to just drive.