We at the Avocado are often asked for advice on how to be a “Good Angelino.” In this series, we provide all the help you’ll need to look like you actually belong in Hollywood and aren’t just an out of your league poser from Cherry Hill, New Jersey or worse, Arizona.
We’ve all been there: You’re out with friends seeing a potential future Best Picture nominee staring Rachel Weisz (or is that Jennifer Connelly?), when the credits finally begin. The movie was three hours long and you really need to pee and check your notifications, so you stand up to leave. Suddenly, the entire theater looks at you like you put on a MAGA hat. Congratulations, you piece of shit, now all of your new friends from acting class think you are an unsophisticated rube who has no respect for the fine
men and women people who worked so hard to make that boring movie you hated.
It’s time you learned that going to the movies in Los Angeles isn’t like going to the movies in Oklahoma or wherever you and Bill Hader are from. Well, I’ll tell you what I told Bill when he and I started Hebrew school at Camp Rama: we all need to pee, Bill, but now that you are in Hollywood you need to hold it in while everyone pretends to care about the name of Adam Driver’s wardrobe assistant’s assistant.
The theatrics (sorry) of sitting through the credits of a movie may cause you to wonder why you can’t instead just pull up IMDB and feign recognition of John Wick’s 2nd A.D. from your phone as you exit the theater or why it is counterintuitively a sign of sociopathy to watch the credits on Netflix. Well, the answer to those questions is: “Shut Up.” Going to the movies still means something and is special in Los Angeles, and will always be special for another 2-4 years until all new content will be available to stream and all of the movie theaters will be converted to condos or mattress stores.
So hold it in, pretend to be interested in the visual effects team, and for God’s sake make sure to clap throughout the entire credits sequence even if you feel like an idiot doing so because clapping at the end of a movie is an objectively idiotic thing to do. If you’re gonna make it this business, you’re gonna need to do a lot of stupid things. You might as well start now.
Next week we’ll discuss the proper way to drive past the 400 cars waiting patiently to merge onto the 405 so you can get where you’re going because you are more important than them and what to do if you run into Lenny Kravitz in Echo Park (just a tip: don’t mention his penis).