A historical article from Jerusalem, 33 AD that is at least as legitimate as anything the Scientologists or Mormons believe.  

“Jesus Christ!” said Jesus Christ upon learning that a stay at home order would require him to remain undead in a tomb until at least May 15. The Order comes from Roman prefect Pontius Pilot following reports of an outbreak of leprosy that went uncured for some strange reason.

“What am I supposed to do in here?” said Jesus, an all-knowing vessel of God who already found out the endings of Killing Eve, McMillions, and all other stories both real and fictional. “It’s okay, I just need to trust in God, who is my father and also me, and that he/I will give me the comfort I need to get through this harrowing time,” said Jesus as he sat in tranquility for 45 seconds before he grew bored again and started pacing around his tomb.

“This is the worst thing to happen to anyone ever,” Jesus wept. The Avocado prayed at Jesus a question asking if he was implying that the waiting around was worse than his being betrayed, tortured, and crucified three days earlier. “It’s not worse,” he answered in our prayers, “it’s just that being murdered and crucified was at least a little exciting. This waiting around is just so monotonous,” adding “I guess that Tom Petty song will be right all along once it is written, ‘The Waiting Is The Hardest Part.'”