Uch, the Avocado has been in Iowa for three days eating spam and drinking canned beer to bring you the results of last night’s caucus and there are still no results. There is a lot of confusion on the ground, but it seems like the delay was caused by a mixture of technical and infrastructural issues exasperated by thousands of Amy Kloburchure supporters demanding to speak to the caucus supervisors. 

“This is completely unacceptable!” said fifteen women I assume are named Beth to 19-year-old caucus volunteer in Des Moines. The Beths had spent the last eleven hours caucusing for Amy Klobuchar and were upset to learn that her delegates would be awarded to Pete Buttigieg because of a coin flip

“Why are coinflips involved? Why is Iowa still a thing?!?” asked everyone in the fucking country except the people in Iowa who insist that despite a continuous track record of tremendous fuck ups, Iowa should still have an outsized influence on Presidential politics. “Iowa is America. It’s people are a representative cross-section of today’s America and deal with all of the very same issues that face the rest of the Country,” said one of the Beths of the sparsely populated almost entirely white state whose economy is heavily subsidized by the ethanol industry. “If there is a place more representative of the American experience than Iowa then I don’t want to go there because there are probably too many blacks and Jews for my liking.” 

Meanwhile, reports are linking the delay in caucus results, which significantly harms Bernie Sanders, to an app created by former Clinton staffers. In a preemptive statement, the DNC maintains that “while the Iowa caucus results delay is an unfortunate piece of good news benefiting our political agenda, it should go without saying that Hillary Clinton and the Democratic establishment had absolutely nothing to do with it. And also Jeffrey Epstein hung himself. Or is it hanged himself? Anyway, Jeffrey Epstein killed himself and the problems in Iowa are just the unfortunate result of incompetence and not part of a plot for us to rig the election. But don’t look too into it. On to New Hampshire! Biden 2020!”