Making it in Hollywood is tough. But eternal damnation and spiritual unrest are harder. Could joining Scientology be the quick fix you need to find the professional and spiritual satisfaction you so desperately think you deserve? The answer is a resounding: Sure!
Here is our step-by-step (day-by-day, day-by-day) guide to using Scientology to further your Hollywood dreams.
Step 1: Reconsider. Are you sure you want to do join Scientology? I mean, you’ve seen that Leah Remini show and know how dicey things can get when she and Kevin James are on TV together. Scientology is accused of all types of scary things, including forcing its members to disconnect with their family. Oh, your family has already stopped talking to you? Okay, well you know that Scientology requires some of its members to sign BILLION YEAR contracts, doesn’t that concern you? Oh, you already took out $140,000 in student loans at an 8.5% interest rate to get a degree in sociology from USC? Okay, but you know that they believe that human suffering was created when a galactic overlord named XENU brought the anxiety-riddled souls of aliens to earth. Oh, you were raised Christian and were told that God had a son who could walk on water or Jewish and told that God cries when you eat bacon? Okay, so as long as you’re comfortable with the risks…
Step 2: Find a Scientologist. There are lots of options for finding a Scientologist in Los Angeles. You could go to their museum that is actually called “Psychiatry: An Industry of Death,” but we wouldn’t recommend it because it is usually crowded with children’s birthday parties. Instead, try heading down to the Scientology Celebrity Center on Franklin. You probably won’t see a celebrity there, but you can learn more about Scientology and then head across the street to the Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theater to see an improvised comedy show. Just be careful, UCB is a well-known cult and will try to recruit you.
Step 3: Begin Taking Classes And Spend Like 30k. “You gotta spend money to make money” is a phrase an Iranian multi-level marketer screamed at you after you complained about the number of smoothies you had to buy to start an Herbalife business. But his philosophy is just as applicable and worthwhile here. When you start with Scientology, they are going to ask you to sign up for classes that will teach you life skills and help you identify all of the things holding you back in your life like drugs and googling Scientology. The classes get more expensive as you progress, but you enjoy some of what they have to teach you and meeting new people. “Don’t worry, stick with it,” you remember the Iranian multi-level marketer yelling at you when you asked why no one wanted to buy the garage full of smoothies you had accumulated. Maybe he had a point.
Step 4: Find An Agent. Now that you have effectively re-enrolled in school and given the Church your hard-earned money, it’s time to reap the rewards. Scientology boasts lots of celebrities like John Travolta, Tom Cruise, and Dharma from Dharma and Greg, and each of them has agents, although Travolta’s is considering dropping him..off at Fred Durst’s house to discuss their latest project together.
To get an agent, simply head down to the Celebrity Center and tell the lady with the epaulets at the front desk that you have purchased $30,000 in books and classes and still don’t have an agent. She will take you to a back room where you will be forced to give her an on-the-record account of every horrible thing you have done in your life, and then, after getting you to agree to purchase some additional course packages, will introduce you to an agent who will be more than happy to represent you.
Step 5: Start Auditioning. Now that you have representation, it’s time to start going on auditions. Unfortunately, all of the auditions you will be going on will be for Scientology-produced marketing materials where, because of your age and ethnicity, you will be forced to play a middle-aged doctor who turns to Scientology for help dealing with the pressures of her cardiothoracic surgery practice. Aha, you didn’t expect the protagonist of this step-by-step guide to be a middle-aged woman of Southeast Asian descent, did you, you racist? Anyway, Namrata, don’t get too upset that you are only getting cast in Scientology produced roles. Scientology has its own Television Network and is seriously as legitimate of a content creator as Crackle or Epix.
Step 6: Leave Scientology. After several years with the Church, you will find yourself less focused on acting and more focused on recruiting new Scientologists. About two years ago, you started interning at Scientology’s production house in the desert and are wondering whether you will ever really be able to break out as an actress and also why all of your housemates keep escaping through the window in the middle of the night. Maybe Scientology wasn’t the answer to all of your problems?
Late one night, you tell your bunkmate, Amanda, that you want to leave. You and Amanda have been really close since moving into the compound 18 months ago, so you are surprised when Amanda seems not only unsupportive of your desire to leave, but outright antagonistic.
“What do you mean you want to leave? You sound like an S.P., Namrata,” she tells you. “I, uh, have to go to the bathroom. Stay here,” she says and she gets up and runs down the hall.
“That bitch,” you think. You know Amanda is going to tell Henry you were thinking about leaving and decide to make a run for it. You run toward the front door of the compound but find it locked. As you hear Henry and Amanda head toward you, you run into the bathroom and, with all your might, use your elbow to break open the small window. As you crawl through it, glass shards tear your nightshirt and cause lacerations in your thighs, but just as Henry and Amanda break down the door, you manage to finally slip through the window.
For the next several hours, you find yourself running shoeless through the desert until you finally stumble onto a highway road. Being so exposed scares you because you know they are searching for you, but you persist, not knowing what other options you have. Finally, you hear a semi truck and wave it down. You’re safe, Namrata. You’re finally safe.
Step 7: Congratulations on Your New Hollywood Career. It’s going to take a few more years for you to get back on your feet. All of your old friends will no longer talk to you and you have the persistent, ever-present feeling that someone is following you. You spend a lot of time in therapy working on yourself, you reestablish a relationship with your real family, and you start thinking about acting again. Acting had always been an outlet for your pain. Maybe it’s what you need to get through this dark period.
So you finally enroll at the UCB center down the street from the Scientology Center and begin taking classes. They get more expensive as they progress, but you enjoy some of what they have to teach you and meeting new people. You meet a woman in your level 2 class named Kathryn who is a production assistant at A&E and who after learning about your story asks you to tell it to Leah Remini on her show. You are thrilled and can’t wait to show off your newly developed comedic skills in front of Leah Remini and Kevin James. This is finally your time to shine.
A few weeks later, you show up on set and learn that Kevin James has nothing to do with this show and that all of your friends from Scientology have written notarized letters in which they call you a liar. It’s all overwhelming, but as the camera begins to roll, all of the negativity and controversy fades into the background. You are going to be on television, Namrata Ahluwalia. You made it. All thanks to Scientology.