Citing park closures, Disney announced it would be terminating over 30,000 workers in Southern California and stop paying 100,000 employees worldwide. “This is a-real unfortunate event for us, gosh,” said former and I believe also current-CEO Bob Iger. “We at Disney are a family and want to do everything we can shy of paying them to make sure our employees are taken care of during this time of crisis.” 

As part of the furlough package, Disney will be continuing to provide health coverage as well as some “fringe” benefits to help take their employees minds off of their complete loss of income. 

“We think of our cast members as a family and will be giving all of the terminated workers a free 3-month trial to Disney+,” said Iger before leaving to stare deeply into a bathroom mirror for a few minutes wondering how things went so bad for him so fast. “This is all China’s fault,” Iger said to himself before quieting because he remembered the Chinese government monitors everything he says and controls Disney’s long-term profitability. “But it is the Chinese government’s fault,” he thought because he doesn’t know that they have developed spyware capable of reading minds yet.   

“This is terrible! Disney+ hasn’t like even updated its content since it launched,” said Amanda Canter, a recently laid-off Disney cast member who dressed as Snow White for minimum wage. “Well, they just added the Pixar movie Onward,” I reminded her over a Zoom interview. 

“Man, no one wants to watch Onward!” she said from her Anaheim studio apartment. “Doesn’t Disney also own Hulu? Can’t we at least get a Hulu membership too?” she said. I thought she had a point and sent Bob Iger an invitation to join our conversation, but he rejected it, responding to my email that Zoom is controlled by the Chinese government. He then immediately replied again saying “I wasn’t suggesting that the great and benevolent Chinese government who all in the United States are in awe of their strength and compassion cannot be trusted. It’s just I’m very busy and can’t join the Zoom.”