“Ah, man, that’s so not fair!” laughed Bill Hader when he heard people were talking about his hair from 2007 again. “Everyone wore their hair like that back then. We all just listened to The Killers and grew out our bangs. It was a simpler time,” said the 41-year-old actor.
The Avocado spoke with the Barry star about what he thought about our joke that he would have to grow his hair out again during the quarantine. You know, cause no one can get a haircut.
“I mean, it’s not really a joke, right?” he said politely over a phone interview I had set up by pretending to be Ronan Farrow. “You’re just making an observation that I used to have long hair, but like, everyone had long hair back then. Tom Cruise had long hair, you know,” said Mr. Hader before launching into his Tom Cruise impression. “Your joke is glib, Ronan. You’re glib!” he imitated Cruise, before telling me he was just kidding but really had to go. As he hung up I could hear him say to someone in the room “Jeez Barb, that Ronan Farrow is a real schmozzle.” I was devastated.
Sitting alone in my apartment over the next few days, I couldn’t get Hader’s words out of my head. Was I really a schmozzle? His early 2000’s hairstyle was, in retrospect, funny, wasn’t it? Did the world forget? Are my comedic instincts really that out of touch? I decided I needed to talk to Bill Hader again to find out what exactly he meant when he said I was a schnozzle. Admittedly, I have a lot of time on my hands these days.
On Monday morning I reached out to Bill’s agent, Lilian Lord-Fauntleroy, pretending to be Ronan Farrow and asked for a follow-up interview. Lilian must have heard about my joke about how Bill Hader used to wear his hair during the second Bush administration because she hung-up the phone as soon as I falsely identified myself. “Barb, don’t take any more calls from that kibitser Ronan Farrow,” I heard her say as she hung up the receiver. A kibitser, really? I knew I had to get to the source or Ronan Farrow’s reputation and my self-esteem would be forever damaged.
The next day I googled “where does bill hader live” and was surprised that an address came up without much difficulty. That seems like an invasion of privacy, but regardless I decided I had to go to Bill’s home to convince him that I was neither a schmozzle or a kibitser.
My heart raced as I knocked on his door. After a moment Bill Hader peered through the window, his hair an awkward medium length, and yelled for me to “leave the package at the doorstep.” I yelled back that I wasn’t a delivery driver but was actually Ronan Farrow from the other day and I had some follow-up questions about my joke about his hair from the other day.
“You’re not Ronan Farrow,” he yelled out. “And I already told you that wasn’t really a joke,” he added before telling Barb to call the police. “Mulaney wouldn’t call that a joke.”
“Yeah, but before you hung up the phone on me you called me a schmozzle. What did–why did you say that?” I called through the glass, tears beginning to form. “I’m not a schmozzle, Bill. I am NOT a schmozzle.”
“I didn’t know you heard that,” Bill said, looking remorseful.
“But I did hear it, Bill! I heard it. So what does that mean? You think I’m a schmozzle?”
I could hear the sirens approach and watched Bill Hader’s face contemplate what to say next. He began to speak, but stopped himself. I knew right then that he really did think I was a schmozzle. And as the officers exited their patrol cars I felt for the first time in my life that he might be right.
“I’m sorry. Please don’t come back here…” Bill said softly, “you fucking schmozzle.” As he said this I felt an officer’s hand grab my shoulder and saw Bill Hader laugh as I was carted off by some mamzer police officer.
After bailing out of jail I returned to my apartment and began to replay the events of my life and the previous few days and came to the conclusion that Bill Hader’s hair was funny in 2007, even if he, or the Glendale Police Department, or Ronan Farrow’s lawyers who sent me a cease and desist letter this morning don’t agree. It’s not an indictment or anything, just, some people look better with short hair. It’s a funny joke, cause people can’t get haircuts right now because all of the barbers are closed. I’m not a schmozzle.