“It’s time to open up the country!” said N.R.A. spokesperson Nathanial Rifle-Association. “We’re at a war against a virus and how else are we going to show that virus we are strong if we can’t buy guns and then shoot guns at people going to movies or going to school or eating at restaurants or going to concerts?”
As state and federal officials consider how and when to reopen the economy Americans are itching for a return to normalcy. But health experts warn that a proper balance must be struck. “If we do this correctly we will be able to create targets for gunmen who have full access to firearms without also triggering an uptick in coronavirus infections,” said CDC spokeperson Dr. Penelope Antwind.
Since businesses and public spaces across the country have been shut since early March the U.S. has seen a drastic decrease in mass shootings, a decline that has not gone unnoticed by everyday Americans. We spoke to 15-year-old high school sophomore Abigail Lentil who said that while her transition to a Zoom curriculum has been surprisingly positive it was difficult getting used to not being worried about getting murdered at school every day. “I used to always get scared whenever I saw Jameson come toward me in the hall, but he isn’t as scary now that he is just a face sitting in front of a Rob Zombie poster on Zoom.”
We asked Mr. Rifle-Association to comment on the decline in mass shootings, which he said was unfortunate but tempered by the surprising rise in domestic shooting deaths that have occurred since the nationwide lockdown. “Despite what the media wants you to believe there are still a ton of guns in this country and a ton of people being shot, and if I were Coronavirus I’d think twice about messing with America because then Coronavirus will get shot.”
The logic of Mr. Rifle-Association’s comment confused us and we asked whether by “shot” he meant because American scientists have been at work on a vaccine.
“What? No. Shot with a gun. We’re going to shoot the Coronavirus with a gun,” he commented, before adding “besides I don’t trust vaccines anyway.”
Editor’s Note: This Article is dedicated to Mr. Rifle-Association’s son, Hank Jr., who recently lost his battle to measles, mumps, and rubella.