Researchers at the University of Southernmost Florida’s School of Medicine and Pool Repair announced this morning that all of the participants in a clinical trial testing the efficacy of injecting bleach to cure Coronavirus have died. “This is a setback, for sure, but overall we think the results are inconclusive,” said Dr. Samuel Gnash of the 36 dead participants. 

The results came as an unexpected shock to Dr. Gnash, who has a degree from Harvard Medical School he received through a Don Draper stole-a-dead-man’s-identity incident. “Who would have thought drinking bleach would kill so many people?” Dr. Gnash asked, to which I pointed to the large warning label on bottles of bleach warning users that drinking it will kill them. “Oh…shit,” said Dr. Gnash before asking me whether I had any professional degrees or anyone that would go looking for me in the event I was murdered and my identity was stolen. 

The study was initiated following comments made by President Trump that the government would look into whether injecting disinfectants could be used to cure Coronavirus. Of the 36 dead participants, all of whom had previously tested positive for Coronavirus, 18 were injected with bleach while the remaining control group was given a placebo injection of sugar-water and Lysol. When asked about the ethical and legal implications of having killed so many people through bad fucking science Dr. Gnash explained that the participants knew and signed waivers about the risks of the trial beforehand and were also all very poor so it’s not that big a deal. 

When asked to comment on the results of the clinical trial, President Trump noted he was “just joking” when he said people should inject themselves with bleach before adding “although it also, to be honest, shows that if you drink bleach you can’t die of the Coronavirus so technically I was also right all along although the fake news media would never admit that grab them by the pussy.”

Editor’s Real Note That Is Not Satire Or Fake And Is The Only Part Of This Article That Should Be Taken Seriously: Don’t drink bleach.