Tributes throughout the NBA have flowed following the unexpected and tragic death of Kobe Bryant. “He was just one of the best to ever play the game,” said literally everyone. But while some teams have promised to retire Kobe’s famous number 24 jersey from rotation, the Los Angeles Clippers have given the former Laker perhaps the biggest honor a team can bestow: Promising to dedicate their eventual loss to the Lakers in the Western Conference Finals to the Black Mamba.

“What now?” asked Clippers Coach Doc Rivers after hearing about the dedication. “Who told you that, that isn’t true,” he said, stating that The Clippers were still L.A.’s team and have a solid chance of beating Lebron James and the Lakers this year. “Yeah, okay. You basic! Lakers Nation, Bitch!” I told him, but then, as I danced in revelry at the thought of another Lakers championship, I realized that this man just lost someone who he knew as a real person, and that my instinct to make a joke about something so serious wasn’t really helping. I apologized and told him I was sorry for his loss.

“This is all so fucking dark,” said literally everyone. “Kobe meant something to the people of Los Angeles. But he was just a person. All of the people who died in that crash have families who feel so bad right now. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be in the wake of the worst thing to ever happen to know so many people around the world are spending so much time commenting or pontificating in tweet after endless tweet on what this all means when we all know that it doesn’t mean anything. Life is so random. And cruel. And stupid. Kobe was a giant, and if he could fall isn’t that just a reminder that all of us eventually will?”

“I’ll miss him, RIP Kobe,” said literally everyone last night as they hugged their families and thought of their friends in a truly unifying moment for everyone in Los Angeles before having their grief interrupted by some jerk on Facebook feeling it’s their obligation to remind you of some of the more “problematic” aspects of Kobe’s legacy.

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