Researchers at the Centers for Disease Control are celebrating the discovery of an inexpensive device that if used can reduce one’s chances of contracting Coronavirus by up to 95%. It’s a mask, you idiot.

“Coronavirus is a dangerous and highly contagious disease but the risk of infection can be greatly reduced by wearing a small mask on your face when you go to the store.”

This reporter asked his least favorite Aunt on Facebook about her reaction to the amazing discovery.

“Aunt Rosie, did you hear you can reduce your chances of catching Coronavirus by wearing a mask?????” I asked my mom’s sister before sending her several articles about the efficacy of wearing masks. Aunt Rosie is one of those crazy people you see on @KarensInTheWild. She watches Tucker Carlson every night and holds very strong opinions about 5G. I love her as much as I hate her.

I waited for Aunt Rosie to respond for several minutes, seeing ellipses come and go multiple times, only to eventually vanish. Fifteen minutes later I received a call from my mom telling me that “Aunt Rosie loves me but felt she had to unfriend me because I was trying to start a fight with her.”
“I sent her information about how wearing masks can save lives! How is that starting a fight?” I asked my mom. “We’re not going to have any family left if we don’t work to keep it together,” she said to me. I told her I wouldn’t try to message my Aunt Rosie anymore.

Aunt Rosie is the third Aunt I’ve lost this year. I lost my Aunt Anne during the protests after she took issue with posts I made that criticized the police for killing people black people and firing upon protesters for no reason. “I AM INCENSED THAT ANYONE WOULD EVER CRITICIZE THE POLICE” she texted me after seeing a post denouncing police brutality. Her son is a police officer and after she saw my post she called my mother and said she felt it was best that if there is a Thanksgiving this year our family celebrates it separately.

Then, a few weeks later, we lost my Aunt Beth to coronavirus. As in she’s dead. She decided to go to church without a mask on because it was not mandatory to wear a mask in the stupid little Texas county she lives in. “I know Jesus will protect me!” she wrote on Facebook two weeks before she died. He didn’t.

You’d think the loss of my Aunt Beth would force my family to take the threat of Coronavirus seriously. But it didn’t. My Aunt Anne is still so irrationally angry about the protesters that all she can say if you mention Coronavirus is: “If it’s so bad then how come you have thousands of people in the street looting?”

My Aunt Rosie, who convinced my Aunt Beth not to wear a mask by sharing links she sort of half-read about Carbon Dioxide poisoning and God’s Law, has become even more entrenched in her ways.

“Requiring someone to wear a mask is a violation of my rights as an American!” she told me at Aunt Rosie’s funeral. She had just lost her sister so I didn’t press it. My Facebook message to her was my attempt at education, but she can’t be educated. She is just so angry at everything, all the time, and that anger has caused her to polarize things I assumed we could always agree on. And because everything has become polarized to such an extent that even a message about how wearing a mask can prevent a deadly disease is seen as starting a fight or advocating for the degradation of personal liberties, she deletes me so her world view cannot be challenged.

So now the only thing my Aunt Rosie and I can agree on is we both have one less crazy person on our wall.