Lawyers for Presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg have reportedly been insisting that the 19.7 million people who watched last night’s Democratic debate sign non-disclosure agreements promising to never mention the debate, Mayor Bloomberg’s performance, or the phrase “horse-faced lesbians” in perpetuity under threat of litigation. 

In exchange for signing the NDA, Bloomberg will give each of the nearly 20 million debate watchers $500, an amount of money 60% of the U.S. population do not currently have in savings. The total cost of paying every debate watcher $500 is 10 billion dollars, an astronomical amount of money that would still leave Mayor Bloomberg with 53 billion dollars to buy our democracy. Mayor Bloomberg insists that entering into a non-disclosure agreement is completely voluntary, but admitted that those who refuse to sign will be subjected to frivolous litigation and financially bankrupted. 

The Avocado planned to ask Mr. Bloomberg about the fallout from his poor debate performance, but decided to take the money in light of our crippling student debt and medical expenses, neither of which will be helped under a Bloomberg oligarcy Presidency.