Despite recently removing the independent watchdog for Coronavirus funds and appointing his unqualified son-in-law Jared Kushner as Coronavirus Guru, President Trump continues to enjoy overwhelming support among Republicans who are over the age of 65, diabetic, asthmatic, anyone named Karen, and those with underlying health conditions. 

According to a new poll from Liberty University, amazingly still open for business during the pandemic, the president’s supporters overwhelmingly approve of his plan to let them all die so that he can open up the economy to improve his reelection chances.

“We’ve never seen numbers quite like this,” said Dr. Vivan Prat with Liberty University. “Frankly, we’ve never had the opportunity to take the country’s temperat–Err… I mean, gauge support of individuals in government so clearly and purposely trying to destroy them.”

The new poll found that those likely to die because of President Trump’s plan to stop the coronavirus pandemic by giving the virus a pre-approved small business loan were 30% more likely to support it. A whopping 67% said Trump’s plutocratic solutions are what this country needs right now. They were also most likely to retroactively strip the South Korean film “Parasite” of the Oscar and give it to the Netflix docuseries “Tiger King.”

“That Tiger King never gave a single person coronavirus,” explained Karen Billingsley, 78, of Newport Beach during a special emergency meeting of the Flatearthers Alliance of Irvine-Laguna [FAIL]. “They should put that Parasite in jail.”

The meeting took place this past Sunday in a secret room at an Orange County Dave & Buster’s in direct response to the poll. Billingsley told The Avocado that the meeting was held specifically to ensure “no one gets out of line and blames Trump.” When asked whether the meeting’s attendees followed the CDC’s recommended face mask and six-foot social distancing guidelines, Billingsley became irate and threatened to smash several avocados in effigy before using them to make a delicious “cuck-a-mole.”

After calming down and popping a double dose of her blood pressure medication, Billingsley explained: “That poll was too soft and we expect more from the Trump faithful…He’s doing a hell of a job making sure my cruise to the edge of the earth is still on for Summer Solstice. Provided I live through this, I mean.”

Editor’s Note: She did not. 

By Jerry Garcia

A large group of supporters gathered Monday outside of the Orange County headquarters of the Coronavirus as the deadly disease surged to become the leading alternative to Democratic Socialist Bernie Sanders, who currently polls at 34% in the California Democratic primary.

“I had originally planned to vote for Pete Buttigieg,” a 35-year-old Bel Air man tried to explain before being carted off to an emergency room.

The sirens underscored the urgency some of these young-ish white folks felt in trying to stop Senator Sanders, the Democratic frontrunner. The somewhat psychotic influx of support for the Coronavirus has put the respiratory disease, which kills around 2% of its supporters, into second place in the latest Super Tuesday poll at 24%, just ahead of Warren (17%) and former Vice President Joe Biden (12%).

Some 24% of respondents in the Earthlink-AOL poll show Coronavirus is preferable to any of the other Democratic candidates in a dwindling field.

“I wanted Amy Klobuchar,” a midwestern transplant said between muffled coughs through her homemade paper face mask cobbled together from a six-foot long CVS receipt. “Now that she’s out, I’m going to my local polling place to see if I can change my vote to Corona,” she added. “Someone has to stop Bernie.” 

The rally comes on the heels of Klobuchar and Buttigieg both endorsing Biden. “They’re not thinking clearly,” said one transplant from Chicago. “Biden and Obama deported a lot of people. Coronavirus is the only candidate who has reached across all borders.”

In an email, Senator Sanders responded to the Coronavirus by urging all Americans to “make sure you wash your hands and don’t touch your face.”

Biden responded by asking, “What about chewing on my wife’s fingers?”

In a written statement, a spokesperson for Coronavirus said, “Coronavirus is a serious public health threat. Fourteen cases have been diagnosed in the United States, in addition to 39 cases among repatriated persons from high-risk settings, for a current total of 53 cases within the United States. The U.S. government and public health partners are implementing aggressive measures to slow and contain transmission of COVID-19 in the United States…Implementation of basic precautions of infection control and prevention, including staying home when ill and practicing respiratory and hand hygiene, will become increasingly important. Also, you should just wash your fucking hands even when there’s not a pandemic at your doorstep, you uncouth neanderthals.”

By Jerry Garcia

The Los Angeles Department of Transporation (LADOT) announced today that it has plans to create a bumpered “texting lane” along the I-10 and 101 Expressways.

“This is a necessary step we must take as a community to ensure public safety,” said LADOT spokesman Damien Gazelle, noting that educational campaigns about the dangers of texting while driving have failed to curb the ubiquitous behavior.

“Our roads are filled with millennials raised in front of a cellphone screen. We cannot realistically expect these young drivers not to text and drive,” said Mr Gazelle. “The bumpered texting lane is our attempt to mitigate the dangers of texting while driving and is a plan that we believe will save thousands of lives.”

LADOT says it has entered into a memorandum of understanding with a national road consultant to draft plans for installing bumpers along the side of the left lane of the I-10 and 101, an improvement expected to cost Los Angeles upwards of $200 million dollars. The department says it has already started to assess the viability of installing additional texting lanes on other LA thoroughfares.

Sixteen-year-old Harvard Westlake student Kelsey Hansford said she supported the new lane, admitting that she has already been in eight minor traffic accidents caused by phone-related inattentiveness since receiving her S-Class Mercedes at her Sweet-Sixteen party last February. The young driver noted, however, that “only old people text” and questioned whether the lanes could also be used for drivers “shooting TikToks” or “Instagramming cute traffic pics.” She also noted that she was “not distracted” as evidenced by her Adderall prescription.

The Avocado reached out to the LAPD to ask whether the texting lanes would also be available to drivers who were making TikTok videos, Instagramming, or watching Quibi. After questioning whether anyone will ever actually watch Quibi, a local law enforcement officer then advised The Avocado that highway officers will have quite a lot of discretion about who can or cannot use the new lanes, and noted that individual decisions will likely come down to the officer’s mood and the driver’s race.

Like America itself, most people who now call Los Angeles “home” came here from somewhere else. And if they’re worth anything at all, that place was New York. Because nothing ups your cultural caché like telling the person you just met that you used to live in “the city,” here are eight battle-tested topics to help you to seamlessly crowbar your Big Apple resume into any casual conversation:

“Late Night” You were up until 10PM working on your Modern Family spec script? Wow, sounds like a late night. You know where I had some really late nights? New York, where I used to live. I once woke up at sunrise on the A-Train in a pool of my own vomit. I was on my way to a 6:00 AM after-after hours club that was actually just a morning networking meeting at an investment bank and somehow ended up in Inwood Heights. Those were the days, man. Now I’m in bed by nine every night because I’m in my thirties and all my friends are married with kids, but I’ll always have the A-Train and the satisfaction of you knowing that I used to live in New York.

Loneliness – You miss your family back home in Michigan and don’t think you can go home to see them this Winter? Puh-lease. You know where the existential crisis of knowing that you are truly alone in this world really sets in? New Fucking York, where I used to live.

Marijuana – I mean sure, I guess it’s cool that you just popped into Med Men and bought a bag of candy that will make you forget your own birthday. But you know where it was actually fun to buy weed? New York in my twenties. There’s just nothing like buying a dime bag of seeds out of a rando’s sock in Bushwick. Ever since moving to LA, I haven’t even wanted to smoke weed. There’s no fun in it, it isn’t dangerous anymore. Why yes, I am white.

Rent –  I’m sorry, did you just complain about paying $2,000 a month for a 1-bedroom apartment in East Hollywood? I used to spend twice that for a converted maintenance closet in Crown Heights that I shared with fifteen mice. You have a bathroom? AND a window? I would have literally killed the Pope of Greenwich Village for my own window when I lived in Brooklyn.

Homelessness – Yeah, the crisis is pretty bad, but the homeless in Hollywood are nothing compared to the homeless in New York, where I used to live. When I was at NYU, I knew like every homeless person in Washington Square Park. I feel like I don’t know any homeless people here. The only relationship I have with them now is when I call the police on them for existing. Such a shame.

The Weather – Is that a cold brew in your hands? I miss the cold. I used to freeze my ass off when I lived in New York. I mean, sure, LA does have better weather, but 90% of my current melanin content came through a windshield, so tomato-potato, ya know?

Dough-based food: Did you just order a [pretzel, bagel, or slice of pizza]? You know you can’t get a good one in LA, right? I mean, definitely nothing like New York, where I used to live. It’s because of the water – everyone knows that nothing raises dough like over-chlorinated sewer piss.

Jeff Goldblum – Do I want to go see Jeff Goldblum play jazz at Rockwell in Los Feliz tomorrow night? You know I lived in New York, right? I saw Jeff Goldblum at Zabars literally every day. No, I didn’t talk to him. I was in New York, we don’t give a shit about celebrities. Actually…I’ll go tomorrow. It will give me an opportunity to go up to Jeff Goldblum, ask him for a selfie, and awkwardly mention Zabars to him so he knows that I used to live in New York. We New Yorkers have to stick together, you know.

LA’s new Davis Museum is set to open October 14 as the Echo Park showcase for Leonard and Anabelle Davis’ contemporary Brightly Colored Walls Collection, the founding couple announced Wednesday on their shared verified Instagram account, @lifebelikethisxo. Admission will be free with a $25 purchase of Anabelle’s custom-made wildflower goddess crowns.

The couple, who first met in 2012 while hooking up in a port-a-potty at Coachella after Anabelle mistook Leonard for the lead piccolo player of Mumford and Sons, say they couldn’t be more excited for the highly anticipated opening. “We, like, couldn’t be more excited,” said Anabelle in a video post that has reached nearly a thousand views at the time of print.

The museum’s permanent collection will feature walls in a vast array of colors and textures, promises Leonard. “We’ve spent years amassing the most extensive collection of photographable background colors imaginable. We feel so fortunate to be able to share this collection with the exquisitely beautiful people of Los Angeles and also with their less attractive friends visiting from out of town who also want to be photographed.”   

One of the biggest attractions comes from Fred Segal’s exterior wall florist Gilford Gelford who will display his newest work, “Ivy Growing On Side of Building in Like A Sexy Way” as part of the Exterior Walls Exhibit which will be featured on the Davis Museum’s exterior walls. “It’s the location that made the most sense,” says Leonard.

Other featured artists will include @noneforyouthanks, @holyshitazebra, and amateur lighting director for Carnival Karaoke in Van Nuys @guysandblowupdolls who will be showcasing his latest work,  “Studio Portrait Light Display” of a single portable ring light suspended in mid air.
Construction on the $163 million structure started in March 2017 to the dismay of many Echo Park residents who have called it a “neon-colored eye sore” and “desecration to the integrity of the Los Angeles landscape.” The six-story building is wrapped in an eye-popping, technicolor glitter shell made of fiber-glass and tulle. Approximately one billion Swarovski crystals spell out “love” on the north facing wall in that font used for framed inspirational quotes that mid-western women hang in their bathrooms. 

Upon entering the museum, visitors will encounter “Look At Me”, a permanent work of lights and mirrors crafted by Los Angeles artist Yaaaaaaaaaaaak aimed to immerse museum-goers in a setting of “literally the most perfect lighting” to encourage the “internal exploration of external worth and stuff.”

Despite skepticism from critics, Anabelle is optimistic that the museum will align with LA’s rich culture. “People are already saying things like, ‘Where is the actual art’ and ‘This is just an Instagram trap’ and ‘How exactly does this qualify as a museum’ and honestly, that’s exactly what we were hoping for. We, like, couldn’t be more grateful, it’s crazy.” 

Alsysa Jergens strikes a poses in front of “A Random Bathroom”