In Rona’s wake, the Arnez family of Orange County is struggling just like the rest of the world. In just a month, Zachary and Abby Arnez’s 401(k) portfolio is down 30% and the mostly working class tenents in their Van Nuys investment property have lost their jobs and likely won’t be able to pay rent on April 1.

“This is all really inconvenient,” said Zachary Arnez, an insurance litigator  who has been working from home.  “On top of everything, because I make several hundred thousand dollars a year I don’t even qualify for stimulus money.”  

“Once again, the Federal Governemnt leaves the upper-middle-upper class people like myself out to dry,” complained Mr. Arnez. “But instead of complaining about things like those liberals in Congress, I decided to pull myself up by my bootstraps and call my colleague Brett  who is a corporate tax lawyer and had him incorporate my family as a regional airline. Now we’re getting $4.6 million in government subsidies which we will use for food, shelter, and to pick up several more distressed properties when the housing market finishes collapsing.” 

We asked Mr. Arnez how he could just call himself an airline all of a sudden. “I’m an airline, you can check the records,” he told us shortly after applying for the million in government funds. We asked him if he were really an airline then where did he fly and where are his planes. “We have no planes or flights scheduled,” he said, reasoning “that’s why this bailout is so important for us.”

The Avocado tried to speak with Zachary’s coleague, Brett Wilkinson, himself a recently Panamanian chartered cruise vessel receiving over 2.5 million in government bailout money, but he refused to sit down with us without a retainer. He did tell us, however, that because he is now technically flagged in Panama, he was in the process of applying for several grants set up for small Hispanic businesses.   

Author’s Note: Shortly after turning in this article I was fired from this job without severance. Thankfully, I make less than $75,000 a year and am eligible for a one-time payment of $1,200. My rent is $2,400 a month.

Author’s Second Note: On advice of counsel I have incorporated as the Kennedy Center for The Arts in order to recive $25,000 in federal funds earmarked for it in the stimulus package.     

Citing park closures, Disney announced it would be terminating over 30,000 workers in Southern California and stop paying 100,000 employees worldwide. “This is a-real unfortunate event for us, gosh,” said former and I believe also current-CEO Bob Iger. “We at Disney are a family and want to do everything we can shy of paying them to make sure our employees are taken care of during this time of crisis.” 

As part of the furlough package, Disney will be continuing to provide health coverage as well as some “fringe” benefits to help take their employees minds off of their complete loss of income. 

“We think of our cast members as a family and will be giving all of the terminated workers a free 3-month trial to Disney+,” said Iger before leaving to stare deeply into a bathroom mirror for a few minutes wondering how things went so bad for him so fast. “This is all China’s fault,” Iger said to himself before quieting because he remembered the Chinese government monitors everything he says and controls Disney’s long-term profitability. “But it is the Chinese government’s fault,” he thought because he doesn’t know that they have developed spyware capable of reading minds yet.   

“This is terrible! Disney+ hasn’t like even updated its content since it launched,” said Amanda Canter, a recently laid-off Disney cast member who dressed as Snow White for minimum wage. “Well, they just added the Pixar movie Onward,” I reminded her over a Zoom interview. 

“Man, no one wants to watch Onward!” she said from her Anaheim studio apartment. “Doesn’t Disney also own Hulu? Can’t we at least get a Hulu membership too?” she said. I thought she had a point and sent Bob Iger an invitation to join our conversation, but he rejected it, responding to my email that Zoom is controlled by the Chinese government. He then immediately replied again saying “I wasn’t suggesting that the great and benevolent Chinese government who all in the United States are in awe of their strength and compassion cannot be trusted. It’s just I’m very busy and can’t join the Zoom.” 

The Overheard LA Instagram account announced today that it would suspend operations amid the current national shortage of public conversations. “It hasn’t been this dead in L.A. since Beyonce played Coachella,” quipped a young man, later identified as Overheard LA‘s founder, while walking his dog. “I’m afraid Overheard LA is about to be the Insta-equivalent of skinny-jeans; over for now, but sure to make a comeback.”

As news of Overheard‘s struggles spread, the mood among Overheard LA‘s many fans was one of somber dejection. “This is the most upsetting news I have ever received, and I just found out my pilot is not getting picked up to series,” I heard a twenty-three-year-old in a sundress and fedora say as she picked up a takeout order from Mozza. “Overheard LA was how I coped with the state of the world. That and lots and lots of wine,” she said into her earbuds before not tipping the server. “I got to text my therapist and see if she has another Zoom appointment tomorrow,” added the inconsiderate woman as she came well within six feet of me.

As I walked back to my apartment from Mozza I could hear my girlfriend on the phone with her sister through the open window. “I’m so bored in this apartment with him all day it’s like I’m in a Terrance Malick movie,” she said before adding, “I miss being able to miss him, you know? I told him to pick up pizza just so I could get a moment alone. Oh, I think he’s here, okay, I’ll call you after I tell him.”

Shit. I know things have been tough these last couple weeks, but is she planning on breaking up with me?

“Being dumped during a quarantine is basically her taking a front-page ad in Variety that I have a shit personality. Why couldn’t she just have saved me the embarrassment by cheating on me instead?” I said to myself out loud.

“Hey, that’s funny! Like something you’d read on Overheard LA,” said a neighbor walking a French bulldog by my apartment.

“Yeah, well my life is falling apart,” I said. “And stay at six feet away from me, I don’t know what would be worse, getting dumped or catching Corona.”

“That’s another one! I’m gonna send that to Overheard,” he said. “Overheard LA is shutting down,” I told him as I walked into the apartment. “Well, at least we still have Quibi, said no one ever!” he said to himself, purposefully loud enough for me to hear. “Nice one,” I lied.

When I walked into the apartment, Vanessa was waiting for me. “Hey, we need to talk,” she said. I hadn’t even put the pizza down.

“You want to break up with me because I’m so dull that life with me is like a Terrance Malick movie?” I said.

“Where did you get that from?” she asked.

“I overheard you on the phone with your sister. Am I right?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry, it’s not you…it’s me,” she said.

“I suppose you want me to move out then?” I asked. She nodded.

“But it doesn’t have to be tonight. This weekend, maybe?”

“Fine. You owe me $14 for the pizza,” I told her. She agreed but I felt petty requesting the Venmo. As the two of us grabbed our slices we sat on our couch as we have done every night for the last month. But it was different this time. “Want to watch a movie?” she asked.

“Sure, whatever you want,” I said. As I sat there watching her scroll through Netflix and then Hulu and then Amazon for 40 minutes I couldn’t help think of how long we would have lasted if we hadn’t been quarantined together and how the daily need to go to work or to meet up with friends acts as a pressure valve on a relationship. Maybe we would have broken up eventually anyway. Who knows?”

“So, how was your day,” she asked as she skipped through dozens of Korean crime dramas on Netflix.

“It was okay. Overheard LA is shutting down,” I told her, just making conversation and avoiding any real discussion about how I was feeling.

“Oh no! That’s the saddest thing I’ve heard all day,” she said as she finally put on Hocus Pocus for some reason. Years later, that comment is what still stings the most about the whole thing.”


Overheard LA is not really over. But my relationship with Vanessa is.

A historical article from Jerusalem, 33 AD that is at least as legitimate as anything the Scientologists or Mormons believe.  

“Jesus Christ!” said Jesus Christ upon learning that a stay at home order would require him to remain undead in a tomb until at least May 15. The Order comes from Roman prefect Pontius Pilot following reports of an outbreak of leprosy that went uncured for some strange reason.

“What am I supposed to do in here?” said Jesus, an all-knowing vessel of God who already found out the endings of Killing Eve, McMillions, and all other stories both real and fictional. “It’s okay, I just need to trust in God, who is my father and also me, and that he/I will give me the comfort I need to get through this harrowing time,” said Jesus as he sat in tranquility for 45 seconds before he grew bored again and started pacing around his tomb.

“This is the worst thing to happen to anyone ever,” Jesus wept. The Avocado prayed at Jesus a question asking if he was implying that the waiting around was worse than his being betrayed, tortured, and crucified three days earlier. “It’s not worse,” he answered in our prayers, “it’s just that being murdered and crucified was at least a little exciting. This waiting around is just so monotonous,” adding “I guess that Tom Petty song will be right all along once it is written, ‘The Waiting Is The Hardest Part.'”

In this weekly series, The Avocado gives advice and technical support to its aging millennial audience. Poor things, they’ve been told they’re young for so long that they are having a hard time realizing they’re old. 

So you want to join Tiktok? Great! And you’re in your 30’s? You used to have a Good Charlotte poster on your wall? In high school? Jesus, okay, here’s how you do it. And you’re serious about this? Okay, here’s how to do it. 

Step 1: Maybe don’t? 

Sweetheart, you know deep down this isn’t for you, right? Do you really want to learn choreographed dances? To what end? You’ll never be as popular as Charli D’Amelio. You’ve never heard of him? Well, he has 47 million followers on TikTok. And he is also a girl. And also gender is a construct, and you would know all of those things if you were young enough to join TikTok, which you are not.    

How can I put this in terms you’ll understand? Okay, remember when you were 14 and your mom took you to Warped Tour to see Good Charlotte and before the show you waited for some old punk band from the 80s like The Descendents to finish and while you were texting on your Sidekick you watched as all of these 40-year-old dudes ran around in a mosh pit holding onto their glasses so they wouldn’t fall off and how after the show they all tried to talk to you about the Dead Kennedys or whatever? Remember that? That’s you on TikTok…

I’m sorry. It happened. It’s like when your mom first joined Facebook and kept tagging you in inspirational posts and on scanned pictures of you as a kid that had the wrong rotation and a white outline around it from the scan. Remember how annoying that was? 

That’s how your little cousin is going to feel about you joining TikTok and tagging her in whatever appropriated dance is trending to a song you’ve never heard of before, or worse, to a song you used to like unironically when you were young and the culture catered to you. 

Okay, but we’re in the middle of a quarantine and you don’t have anything else you can do, so you still want to know how to join TikTok? Okay…

Step 2: Have you considered reading a book?

Look at all the books you have in your apartment that you have never even read! Wuthering Heights! That’s probably good. So is Jane Eyre and Freakonomics and Infinite Jest and all of those Malcolm Gladwell books you keep buying for some reason. Why not read one of them? You’ll feel better about yourself and can post age-appropriate photos of dog-eared books next to a glass of red wine that your mom will like on Facebook.

You could even listen to an audiobook and tell people you spent your quarantine catching up on reading. It’s cheating, but we’ll allow it if you promise not to join Tiktok.

You hate reading and want to join TikTok? Uch, FINE!

Step 3But you’ve still not seen The Wire. 

It’s The Wire! Idris Alba and Michael B Jordan before they were stars. You are potentially passing up an opportunity to be one of those people who have seen The Wire…

Think about it. You’re at a party sometime in the future, when we have parties again, and someone mentions they were born in Baltimore. 

“Oh, have you seen The Wire?” you’ll ask, excitedly. 

“I have,” they’ll say, having been asked that question every day of their fucking life. 

“I love The Wire!” you’ll say, pausing for a moment so the group can admire you before adding, “The second season by the Wharf wasn’t so great, but overall it’s the greatest show ever made.”

Still no? You really want to join TikTok?

Step 4: Can’t you just do an Instagram Live video instead?

Instagram live is basically TikTok for 30-year-olds in that its consists of a deluge of poor quality video content, but has the added benefit that no one will likely watch you live and the evidence of your failed entertainment attempts will be deleted after 24-hours.

Yeah? We got a deal? Great! Okay, follow us on Instagram at @TheAvocadoLA. We’re going live tonight at 7!

Following new guidance that residents should be wearing face masks whenever they leave the house, many clothing brands have begun producing protective gear, leaving L.A.’s most fashionable eager to snag a mask from their favorite brands at any cost. 

Among the most desirable face masks is a $600 limited edition mask reportedly put out by streetwear brand Supreme. “It’s just so dope, I saw it online and knew I just had to have it,” said Brandon Lieu as he waited among hundreds in an hourslong line in front of the Company’s Fairfax store. “Everyone knows it’s important to protect yourself from Rona,” said the 22-year-old UCLA junior, “but it’s just as important to look good.”

The Avocado arrived on Fairfax and saw a long-line of vaping hypebeasts waiting to buy a mask. As a 30-something hypochondriac who has worn the same guacamole stained cargo shorts for the last three-weeks under quarantine I was concerned about being among people and also generally confused by the seeming loyalty to the Supreme brand, but agreed to take the assignment because I wanted to pick up a Reuben from Canter’s and didn’t want to pay an $8 Postmate fee.

As I waited in line and talked to the men and women eager to spend hundreds of dollars on a branded mask I noticed that the transactions were not occurring inside the store. Rather, the merchandise was being sold at the end of the block by two young men selling masks out of several cardboard boxes. I asked Vivianne, a 32-year-old out-of-work choreographer why the masks were being sold outside, to which the woman muttered something about how it would be unsafe during a pandemic to make the sale in a confined space before surreptitiously taking a picture of me in my guacamole shorts and posting on Twitter about how it’s so hard to stand in line for medical supplies without being harassed by “a barrage of corned beef eating Jews.” I was offended by the characterization but was eating a sandwich when I spoke to her and do look very stereotypically Jewish, so I tried not to get too upset.

As I waited in line nearly two hours to reach the end of the block my tummy began to hurt from the sandwich and I also started feeling flush and developing shortness of breath. As I started to wonder out loud whether I had Coronavirus a 43-year-old standing nearby told me that my symptoms were more than likely anxiety and that I should “hit this” vape pen. Feeling a bit of peer pressure on account that this man was better looking and taller than me, I agreed, but almost immediately regretted that decision when that man, a self-described “libertarian”, began telling everyone around him that Coronavirus was being way overblown by the media and wasn’t anything to be concerned about. 

“If you believe that, then why are you waiting in line to get a face mask?” I asked, already very high at this point. The man laughed and said that he was just buying the mask so he could sell it online later. “These things will fetch $1000, sometimes more, online,” he said. “Good ol’ free market.” 

After nearly four hours, I finally made it to the men at the end of the block and it was immediately clear that these masks were not officially sanctioned Supreme merchandise, but rather cheap leggings cut and then hastily imprinted with the Supreme logo. “Are these certified to block germs?” I asked one of the boys of the thin material mask. “I don’t think these will be effective,” I said, to which the salesperson replied “they’re better than nothing, probably” and handed me a mix-tape featuring him rapping which he said comes with the mask. 

After making the purchase, which I assume I will be reimbursed for [Editor’s Note: He will not.], I put the mask on and began to walk back to my car. This was the most expensive article of clothing or medical equipment I owned, and for the first time, I understood the appeal of wearing a highly desirable piece of clothing. It made me feel like I was worth more. Like I was special.

As I walked down Fairfax I saw people stare at my mask and, in fact, was approached by several people who offered to buy the mask right then and there. Feeling a confidence I had never felt before, I declined, telling the would-be purchasers that there would be no price I would be willing to sell my mask. “It’s worth much more than face value,” I laughed, believing myself to be very clever, but the purchaser just said “whatever” and purchased one of the knock-off masks from that libertarian a few moments later.

As I sat in the hospital the next week, fired for spending $600 without company permission and also with pnemonia on account that the fake Supreme mask was not at all effective in stopping the Coronavirus, I continued to wear the mask, still feeling more confident than I had in years; certainly since at least the day that I left my Yeshiva. “I want to be burried in this mask,” I told my mother over Facetime as she said goodbye to me.  And indeed, one week later, I was. 

 

Dear Raphael Bob-Waksberg, 

My name is Milo and it would be great if you could help me break into Hollywood as a comedy writer. I am a very nice person with over 1000 followers on Instagram and have seen almost every episode of Frasier. My favorite episode is the Ski-Lodge and my least favorite are the ones that focus on Bulldog. I know it may be presumptuous to ask for help, but my mom went to high school with your mom and they recently spoke and agreed it was a good idea for you to talk to me about how to make it in Hollywood, which I interpreted as helping me find a job. 

I’ll be honest, I have never seen BoJack Horseman or Undone and decided not to watch them before writing you since they are out of production and therefore are of no use to me. I hear they’re good though! Congrats, dude! Do you have any TV shows that are currently in production that you could staff me on to write? I was an editor at my college newspaper and wrote a Home Improvement spec script for a creative writing class there that I think is really good. It revolves around Tim’s youngest son, Taran Noah Smith, starting a relationship with a woman twice his age who tricks him into making an unwise investment in a medicinal marijuana company. Tim has to get him out of the contract with the help of Jill and Al Borland. I can send it to you so you can give me notes on it before passing it on to your agent! Your mom said you would be more than happy to do so! 

Thanks for your time and I look forward to working with you,

Milo Paul Gosselaar (Bonnie’s son)


Dear Megan Amran, 

Hello! I hope this message finds you well and that you are still receiving emails from this @harvard.edu address. My name is Milo and my brother John Diamond worked at Harvard at the same time you were enrolled! He is still there doing IT and when I told him I wanted to be a comedy writer he volunteered to give me the email addresses of all the folks on the Lampoon listserv. He’s a great guy and very encouraging of my dreams. 

While I didn’t myself attend Harvard I figured you would like to help me become a successful comedy writer because of this shared Crimson connection. Us Ivy League people need to stick together and I would truly appreciate you connecting me to someone who runs the Simpsons. Don’t get me wrong, I think you’re great on Twitter and all, but if this is going to happen I need to get to the people at the very top and they were at Harvard before email addresses. 

Truly yours, 

Milo Paul Gosselaar (John’s brother)


Dear Mark Paul Gosselaar, 

This is awkward, but I am your son and badly need your help getting a job writing comedy for television. My mother, Bonnie, was part of NBC’s accounting team during the College Years and I believe the two of you met and became intimate during an NBC sponsored retreat in San Luis Obispo. She is the one who encouraged me to reach out to you and sends her best.  

I am a huge fan of the show Mixed-ish which you star and would like a job writing for the show. As you are Dutch and my mother’s family is German, I feel like I have the insights required to write about a mixed-race experience. I was also a huge fan of Franklin and Bash and would also appreciate an introduction to Breckin Meyer who I think could get me a job writing for Robot Chicken. 

Thanks dad and I love you, 

Milo Paul Gosselaar (your son)


Dear Mario Lopez, 

This is awkward, but I am your son and badly need your help getting a job writing comedy for television. My mother, Bonnie, was part of NBC’s accounting team during the College Years and I believe the two of you met and became intimate during an NBC sponsored retreat in San Luis Obispo. She is the one who encouraged me to reach out to you and sends her best.  

I am a huge fan of the show Entertainment Tonight and need your help finding me a job writing comedy for television. I know that ET isn’t a “comedy show”, but I figured someone must write the jokes you make about staying in a Marriott or whatever. I also saw that you recently played yourself in an episode of Brooklyn-99 and thought you could also reach out to its producers to see if I could work on that show.

Thanks dad and I love you, 

Milo Lopez (your son)


Dear Dustin Diamond, 

This is awkward, but I am your son and badly need your help getting a job writing comedy for television. My mother, Bonnie, was part of NBC’s accounting team during the College Years and I believe the two of you met and became intimate during an NBC sponsored retreat in San Luis Obispo. She is the one who encouraged me to reach out to tell you that you owe her 28-years of child support and if you do not pay then she is going to take you back to court. 

Thanks and I was wondering if you had a direct line for Mark Paul Gosselaar, he has not been returning my emails. 

Milo Diamond (your son)

Guest Editorial by Richard Burr, Republican Senator from North Carolina

As the Chair of the Senate’s intelligence community, I know first hand how dangerous a challenge Covid-19 has been for our country and our economy. But just because a global, worldwide economic depression is at our door doesn’t mean we should be passive! There are plenty of things you can do to manage your financial portfolio so long as you have the foresight, financial capital, and access to classified information weeks before the rest of the Country. 

Corona Money Tip 1: Do your research! 

Sound money management is all about research! One thing you should know about the free market is it reacts to large, worldwide events in a very predictable manner. So the trick is simply knowing when those big events will occur. In this case, information that the U.S. economy would crash was out there if you knew where to find it: In classified briefings given to select members of the U.S. Senators. 

Now, I’ve been seeing a lot of complaining from the Fake News media that it is somehow “unfair” for Senators like me to use information obtained in classified briefings for their financial profit, and while it might technically be “illegal”, my position is what was I supposed to do with the knowledge that the economy was going to collapse? Warn my constituents? No. Sell off my hotel stocks? Yes! 

Corona Money Tip 2: Sell stocks that represent the things we loved about our old way of life

When I was a boy growing up in North Carolina I knew a man who did maintenance on my daddy’s cotton farm, his name was N***** John. You know, maybe that wasn’t his name but just what my daddy used to call him. Anyway, N***** John would save all his money so he could leave the farm for a week every three years to go see his wife and kids in Barbados. It was through N***, let’s just call him John since I don’t want to stir up the P.C. police–It was through John that I learned the value in investing in airlines and aerospace companies. As I grew up I realized that lots of poor people work solely to allow them to experience little moments of happiness such as going to a restaurant at the end of the week or staying in a hotel on vacation. It’s pathetic when you think about it, but is a valuable insight into how to manage your portfolio. 

When you learn (See Corona Money Tip 1) that a viral outbreak will prevent people like John and other poor folk from traveling or going to sit down restaurants like Red Robin or Chili’s or leaving their homes, it’s time to sell-off your position in all of the industries that give people joy! 

Corona Money Tip 3: Invest in companies that do well in a quarantine

The economy isn’t all bad though! With everyone stuck inside or dying in a hospital, there is plenty of opportunities to invest in companies like Netflix or medical supply companies that make masks and ventilators. I got a hunch (see Tip 1 again) that ventilator manufacturers will see a great ROI this year. Other areas of growth are telework companies, toilet paper and bleach, liquor, and pornography. 

Corona Money Tip 4Brush off the haters

I became a Senator because I wanted to help my constituents. And there is no better way of helping the public through an economic depression than ensuring the status of your own economic security. That’s how trickle-down economics works.

But not everyone will be happy for me and my colleagues for reading the very obvious signs shared with us in secret intelligence hearings about the impending economic collapse. I’m sad to say that some disgusting people will suggest that those of us who have profiteered off of our position in government and this crisis should be arrested or tarred and feathered or shamed or hanged or worse, forced to clawback our profits. But you should do your best to ignore those democrats and poor people because you have an obligation to you and your family to make as much money as humanly possible no matter the consequences or the ethics of it. That’s America, and that’s why I love her. 

By Richard Burr (R) Sen-NC. 

Grocery stores can’t stock enough toilet paper. The CDC has announced hospitals are running dangerously low on masks. And now, amidst the COVID-19 pandemic, the Writers Guild of America (WGA) has announced its own nationwide shortage on reasons why you haven’t finished your pilot yet.

On Tuesday, the WGA released this statement: “With so many writers furloughed from their day jobs, bars where networking events are held being closed, and how boring it is to brainstorm with your writing partner over Skype, we have an unprecedented dearth of reasons why the nation’s writers haven’t been able to finish their scripts. We ask for your support on behalf of all writers during this difficult time of uncertainty around the novel coronavirus.”

Hours after this statement was released, a record number of computer files titled “Coronavirus” intended to be novels were created. As of Thursday evening, fewer than 7% of those files have been opened a second time.

Michelle Crown, a WGA employee who wished to remain anonymous, told The Avocado “We’re trying to help by manufacturing new explanations, but it’s difficult when writers have so much free time. So far, all we’ve got is ‘actually falling ill,’ and ‘the anxiety surrounding this pandemic is paralyzing’,” said Ms. Crown, admitting she was in charge of coming up with additional excuses but ended up just binging Love Is Blind all night instead.

“Typically, I’m too busy to write as much as I’d like, so right now it’s… I mean, it’s hard to do all the outlining when I have to go to…” stuttered Daniel Easton, screenwriter by day and server by night. Mr. Easton was let go from his serving job on March 15th. His comedy pilot, however, titled Coming of (Los) Age-eles about five roommates in their twenties trying to “make it” in the entertainment industry, loosely based on his own life experience, has not been worked on at all since.

“A lot goes into the creative process before you even start a script!” Mr. Easton insisted when asked why he has not started on his pilot. He was unable to provide specifics as to what those things might be.

Prominent WGA member Aaron Sorkin talked to The Avocado about the WGA’s excuse shortage. “Well, when writing any pilot, you start by doing a lot of research into law and politics, so there are still some reasons why pilots aren’t getting written,” the noted political writer said. Upon hearing this, a flurry of people came within six feet of us, seemingly desperate for Mr. Sorkin’s blessing to turn their lead characters into lawyers with hearts of gold, and politicians with hearts of gold, and Mark Zuckerbergs. None of these clamoring writers seemed concerned about contracting COVID-19, with one woman, Jessica Ward, being heard saying “Getting sick is the only real reason for me to not be writing” as she licked a nearby door handle.

The Avocado followed up with Ms. Ward a few days later who reported that although she still wasn’t sick, she had gotten distracted from her research by re-watching The West Wing. “But,” she said, “I’m almost at the point in season 5 when Rob Lowe leaves the show, and then I’ll stop being distracted, and THEN I am going to write something really killer!”

The average reader of this publication has at least one idea for a pilot sitting in a file somewhere on their computer. You have this article open instead of working on that idea. But, then again, so do I.

The Avocado emailed prolific writer Tyler Perry for comment on the WGA’s statement and the inability of many writers to use this time off to be productive, but the television and feature film writer deleted it believing it to be a GoFundMe page for his out of work PAs.

By Emma Lieberman

Instagram

Twitter

“The Upright Citizens Brigade is like a family,” said 28-year-old improv teacher and Podcast host Jeremy Reynolds shortly before finding out he would be fired immediately without severance. “No, that can’t be right? UCB wouldn’t just not pay us during the middle of a crisis,” said Mr. Reynolds of the theater he has paid over $2,500 to for improv classes and performs at twice a week for free. “What happened to ‘I got your back?'”

As the world grips with the economic fallout from Coronavirus and the Nation’s improvisers struggle to steal each other’s jokes on Twitter and practice their character work on Instagram live, many are looking to UCB’s founders, Matt Walsh, Ian Roberts, Matt Besser, and particularly Amy Poehler who is fucking loaded, to provide a cushion to, if not the hundreds of UCB performers who work for free, than at least UCB’s staff who relies on the theater for their weed and livelihood .

“I literally can’t do anything else!” said Jeremy Reynolds when faced with the thought of buying food and paying rent without a job. “No one is going to hire me to teach them improv on the internet and I don’t even know when I would be able to now that I’ve taken on a full-time quarantine podcasting schedule.”

The Avocado braved the quarantine to seek comment at UCB’s Franklin location, but no one was there. As I walked back to my car I was intercepted by a Scientologist from the Celebrity Center across the street where I was told all about Dianetics and how it protects against the spread of the virus. As I sat with Diane, a 48-year-old Scientologist leader and learned about her religion, I told her about the story I was working on.

“That’s horrible! They make so much money, they should really help their staff at a time of worldwide crisis,” Diane told me before asking me to sign a billion-year contract pledging my fealty to the Church and its late-founder L. Ron Hubbard.

Editor’s Note: Because of capitalism, a GoFundMe to help UCB’s staff has been set up.

Editor’s Updated Note: My agent just saw the post, fired me, and told me I would never work in comedy again. Accordignly, a GoFundMe to help myself will be set up shortly.