A compromise has been reached with activists demanding the U.S. government remove Thomas Jefferson’s statue from the Jefferson Memorial in Washington D.C. on account that he was a slave-owning rapist.

For many, the idea of removing a memorial to the author of the Declaration of Independence is a sacrilegious affront to our nation’s history and one of our Country’s greatest minds, while others are okay with it because he was still a slave-owning rapist even if he was really really smart or whatever. The two sides appeared to be at an impasse when representatives from both sides met over Zoom and worked out a compromise: The Jefferson Memorial will remain but the statue of Thomas Jefferson will be replaced with a 19-foot tall marble likeness of Daveed Diggs.

Having been tipped off that a Zoom call was scheduled between two diametrically opposed foes, this reporter attempted unsuccessfully to obtain an access code to the meeting. 

“I want to be in the Zoom call where it occurs,” I emailed several people but no one got back to me. I even pretended to be from the New York Times but no one responded to that either, probably because I emailed them from my Hotmail account.

After the compromise was announced, the Avocado was able to speak to one of the activists advocating for the memorial to be removed.

“Look, no one can doubt that Thomas Jefferson was a brilliant man who was instrumental in our initial independence, or that he was able to articulate our Country’s greatest ideals. But that cannot be divorced from the fact that he did not live up to those ideals. He owned over 600 people, raped his captive Sally Hemings repeatedly, and insisted that provisions be written into our Constitution that codified systematic oppression to such an extent that we are still dealing with its repercussions today,” said activist Aaron Rivers. “But at the same time, Daveed Diggs was really great in Hamilton so if we’re going to have a memorial to Jefferson than we’re cool if it looks like Diggs.”

“We can’t just erase our Country’s history!” said Kenneth P. Armstrong, a self-proclaimed historical preservationist. “Thomas Jefferson is an important part of our Country’s history and his contributions should continue to be honored…but my god Daveed Diggs was just so wonderful in Hamilton.”

“I was initially real cross about the idea of taking down the Jefferson statue, but then I watched Hamilton over the weekend with my granddaughter who is visiting from New Hampshire and honestly it just exceeded every expectation I had,” said Mr. Amstrong. 

When asked whether the use of Daveed Diggs’ image as the new standard for Jefferson’s likeness creates a false sense of history, Mr. Amstrong said he didn’t. “The monuments we have for our founders are all to some extent built on myths. Our Country’s origin story is in some ways as fictitious as Hamilton. In many ways Daveed Diggs’ performance is more representative of Jefferson than the canonized version of him we look up to now,” Armstrong observed before humming a bit from “It’s Quiet Uptown” as he thought about his son. “He moved to New Hampshire for work last year and I don’t get to see him as much as I’d like.” 

But not everyone is happy with the compromise. Shortly after the Diggs compromise was announced, President Donald Trump vowed to protect the “better, white version of Thomas Jefferson” at all costs. When asked whether he had seen Hamilton and understood just how freaking good it was, the President said that he watched it over the weekend in bed with Ivanka and didn’t like it much. “Those leftest rebels were very rude to King George who was a very strong leader by the way,” the President tweeted before adding the hashtag “#ROYALHarassment” to a separate stand-alone message.

Researchers at the Centers for Disease Control are celebrating the discovery of an inexpensive device that if used can reduce one’s chances of contracting Coronavirus by up to 95%. It’s a mask, you idiot.

“Coronavirus is a dangerous and highly contagious disease but the risk of infection can be greatly reduced by wearing a small mask on your face when you go to the store.”

This reporter asked his least favorite Aunt on Facebook about her reaction to the amazing discovery.

“Aunt Rosie, did you hear you can reduce your chances of catching Coronavirus by wearing a mask?????” I asked my mom’s sister before sending her several articles about the efficacy of wearing masks. Aunt Rosie is one of those crazy people you see on @KarensInTheWild. She watches Tucker Carlson every night and holds very strong opinions about 5G. I love her as much as I hate her.

I waited for Aunt Rosie to respond for several minutes, seeing ellipses come and go multiple times, only to eventually vanish. Fifteen minutes later I received a call from my mom telling me that “Aunt Rosie loves me but felt she had to unfriend me because I was trying to start a fight with her.”
“I sent her information about how wearing masks can save lives! How is that starting a fight?” I asked my mom. “We’re not going to have any family left if we don’t work to keep it together,” she said to me. I told her I wouldn’t try to message my Aunt Rosie anymore.

Aunt Rosie is the third Aunt I’ve lost this year. I lost my Aunt Anne during the protests after she took issue with posts I made that criticized the police for killing people black people and firing upon protesters for no reason. “I AM INCENSED THAT ANYONE WOULD EVER CRITICIZE THE POLICE” she texted me after seeing a post denouncing police brutality. Her son is a police officer and after she saw my post she called my mother and said she felt it was best that if there is a Thanksgiving this year our family celebrates it separately.

Then, a few weeks later, we lost my Aunt Beth to coronavirus. As in she’s dead. She decided to go to church without a mask on because it was not mandatory to wear a mask in the stupid little Texas county she lives in. “I know Jesus will protect me!” she wrote on Facebook two weeks before she died. He didn’t.

You’d think the loss of my Aunt Beth would force my family to take the threat of Coronavirus seriously. But it didn’t. My Aunt Anne is still so irrationally angry about the protesters that all she can say if you mention Coronavirus is: “If it’s so bad then how come you have thousands of people in the street looting?”

My Aunt Rosie, who convinced my Aunt Beth not to wear a mask by sharing links she sort of half-read about Carbon Dioxide poisoning and God’s Law, has become even more entrenched in her ways.

“Requiring someone to wear a mask is a violation of my rights as an American!” she told me at Aunt Rosie’s funeral. She had just lost her sister so I didn’t press it. My Facebook message to her was my attempt at education, but she can’t be educated. She is just so angry at everything, all the time, and that anger has caused her to polarize things I assumed we could always agree on. And because everything has become polarized to such an extent that even a message about how wearing a mask can prevent a deadly disease is seen as starting a fight or advocating for the degradation of personal liberties, she deletes me so her world view cannot be challenged.

So now the only thing my Aunt Rosie and I can agree on is we both have one less crazy person on our wall.

“I am God, and you can’t tax God,” Kanye West told IRS officials Monday in a petition we made up to recognize him as his own distinct tax-exempt religious entity. The artist rationalized his position by stating: “I mean, where are you gonna send the tax bill? Heaven? You can’t send mail to Heaven, bruh, that’s why Santa lives in the North Pole, and you can’t make me move to the North Pole because I’m God and I have rights.” 

West, who believes he is Jesus, recently released an album titled “Jesus is King” that documents his devotion to god, Chik-Fil-A and money. He also hosts church services on Sundays where he performs songs alongside a gospel choir and sells $250 sweaters to his disciples. As a tax-exempt entity, Kanye would be able to pursue these, and potentially other revenue streams, without paying federal income taxes.

The artist reportedly got the idea to apply for tax-exempt status after hosting a church service alongside mega-church preacher Joel Osteen and learning that Osteen has a 65 million dollar jet. “I want a 65 million dollar jet,” said West, and with that, a new religion was born…again.

“It appears West’s religious devotion is directly tied to his desire to make money,” said religious tax expert Hamish Winterbaum. “So in that sense, what he is doing is no different than literally any other religion and he should also be exempt from taxes.”

The Avocado was taken aback by Mr. Winterbaum’s blunt assessment, but then started thinking about it and I guess if Scientology can get away without paying taxes then why shouldn’t Kanye? At least Kanye gave us all College Dropout. Maybe he deserves it?

UPDATE: After publishing this article, we received several notes accusing us of having made up this story to prove an unclear point. The Avocado agrees with that assessment and is accordingly applying to be recognized as a Church.

Starbucks received tremendous backlash and calls to #BoycottStarbucks after it announced employees are prevented from wearing accessories or clothes featuring messages of support for the Black Lives Matter movement. In response to the backlash, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson issued a statement apologizing to his employees and announcing a new initiative in which half of Starbuck’s locations would be converted to “White Only.” The remaining locations would remain integrated and allow employees to support Black Lives Matter publicly. 

“We believe everyone deserves the right to freely express themselves,” said Mr. Johnson at the re-opening of a new “White Only” Starbucks in Simi Valley, California. “But it’s also important that our customers who don’t think that Black lives matter have a place to buy coffee without being hit over the head with statements in favor of basic human rights.” 

The Avocado asked Starbucks’ founder and former CEO Howard Schultz whether he saw it as problematic to prevent his employees from supporting Black Lives Matter and pandering to White insecurity about their relative stature in society, to which the billionaire said he didn’t see any problem. “It’s not like our White stores are better than the Black stores! They’re separate so our white customers feel comfortable. But they’re equal!” 

Separate but equal? You know that segregation is illegal in this country?” I asked, to which Mr. Schultz started to panic. 

“Hey! Don’t do that. It’s not racist! The Black stores are probably actually better than the White stores because we play cool music like John Legend and James Brown and in the White stores we only play Brooks & Dunn. So, if anything, Starbucks is actually racist against Whites. Did I ever tell you how when I was growing up in Brooklyn in the 50’s I used to listen to all the colored bands? The Chantels, The Drifters, all of them.”

At this point, my fake journalistic training took over and I let him just continue to talk.  

“Don’t turn this into some big gotcha because I am not racist! I grew up in Brooklyn, remember! Plus I have tons of Black friends. And thousands of Black employees. In fact, I bet I have more Black friends than you do. How many Black friends do you have?” he asked. “I know Magic Johnson. Do you know Magic Johnson?”

“It seems like Starbucks is promoting a very specific world view by claiming the phrase “Black Lives Matter” is political and therefore should be banned from your stores. It’s suggesting that the notion can be debated. And what that tells Black people is that Starbucks does not think that their lives matter,” I responded, to which Mr. Schultz told me I was out of line and reminded me that he knows Magic Johnson again.

“I am an ally of Black people,” he said, assuring me he has personally done lots for the Black community. “Remember when we created cups after we got caught kicking Black people out of our store and threatening to call the police that facilitated talks about racism?” he asked. “Those cups were my idea.” 

This reporter asked customers at the re-opening of the “White Only” Simi Valley Starbucks what they thought of the segregated cafe.

“I think this is great,” said Simi Valley resident and LAPD veteran Officer Bubba Lee McClintock as he picked up his morning coffee. “Good coffee and some Brooks & Dunn are how to start the morning off right,” he said before heading down to the still-integrated Starbucks to ask its Black customers and employees for their IDs for no goddamn reason.  

“Here at Amazon, we want to use the $1.3 Trillion we have to make the world a better place,” Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos told a crowd of diverse employees positioned behind him for the photograph. “We have literally so much money that we can advocate for social change at a monumental scale and we view it as our responsibility to do so.”

“YES! JEFF! JEFF! JEFF!” screamed the men and women hand-selected by Amazon’s Head of Diversity and Inclusion to stand behind him. They had to clock out during the speech but were generously told the company would not count the time not working as part of their sick leave. “There’ll be plenty of time for getting sick in the future,” joked the email they received citing a recent outbreak of Coronavirus cases within Amazon facilities

That’s why I am so proud to announce Amazon will donate $10 million to organizations supporting Black communities,” said Bezos to thunderous applause from all except one warehouse supervisor named Jamal who called out “but isn’t that only .004% of Amazon’s yearly revenues?” before being removed from the crowd and fired…out of a cannon.

This reporter was permitted to speak to Mr. Bezos during a wide-ranging interview about the importance of racial unity and of lifting Black voices, as well as how Jeff Bezos has been able to put on so much muscle mass at his age and his plans for his new Los Angeles house he purchased for $165 million. “It’s a beautiful piece of property. The house itself is a tear-down, but the land has real potential,” said Mr. Bezos before approving a plan to further automate thousands of low-paying jobs from his plant. 

I asked Mr. Bezos whether there was any push back from his customers for Amazon’s outspoken, performative stand for racial justice, to which the anthropomorphic muscle-penis said that he had received criticism, but that he wasn’t bothered by it. 

“Many heroes, including the Reverend and Doctor Martin Luther King Jr., Mahatma Gandhi, and probably many women too but I just can’t think of any right now, have had to make sacrifices to improve our world.” I asked Mr. Bezos whether he was comparing himself to these icons of human rights, to which Mr. Bezos said that all of his heroes and best friends were advocates for human rights and pointed to a picture of him and Morgan Freeman. “I’ve always been a big fan of Nelson Mandela, you know?” 

“For me, Jeff Bezos, money is just money. And what’s the point of having so much money if not to spend it to make our future better?” he asked rhetorically before showing off his physique. Amazon makes $10 million dollars every 22 minutes.  

After watching him flex his triceps for several minutes and describe how his diet keeps him in ketosis, I asked the world’s richest man why it was fair that his company could make $265 billion a year and pay no money in federal income taxes and then think 10 million dollars to support Black communities is adequate. The question seemed to upset Mr. Bezos, who put his shirt back on and then called someone in to remove me from the room as he shouted out something about “trickle-down economics.”

As I stood in a long line of Amazon dissenters waiting to be shot out of a cannon for criticizing Jeff Bezos, I was tapped on the shoulder by an Amazon publicist with an exciting update.

“Great news. Because you ‘spoke truth to power, Jeff Bezos has decided to match whatever donations his underpaid staff make to the NAACP. All you need to do is agree to focus on that in your article and sign this NDA about Mr. Bezos’ triceps and the cannon and the sex dungeon.”

“I didn’t see a sex dungeon,” I said.

“Well, good. Because there isn’t a sex dungeon. And even if there was it would be only be used for consensual bondage, S&M, and butt play between adults,” said the publicist. 

“I’m sorry, but that still seems woefully inadequate. Why doesn’t Amazon just pay taxes? Why are they taking so god damn much from this world and giving so god damn little back?” I asked, but by that time she was gone. I was loaded into the cannon, along with Jamal and an elderly Hispanic woman who was overheard talking about her niece’s communion by a supervisor who thought he heard the word “union” and was shot out of a cannon and killed.

I’m dead now. 

Bye.  

The USDA has ordered an emergency, nationwide recall of apples following reports from around the country that innumerable Americans have been severely injured or killed by countless bad apples.

A spokesperson at the USDA told us that they were “reluctant to recall every apple because sometimes an apple can be good and even necessary if you need to make apple sauce or certain summer salads,” but ultimately decided to there were just too many bad apples mixed into the U.S. apple supply. “The risk is too high that any bunch of apples an American encounters in this country has a few bad apples in it that could kill you.”

We asked Rebecca Winesap, a food safety expert whether it was possible to separate the good apples that want to provide nutrition from the bad apples that want to kill black people and protesters, to which we were told that it was but would require the good apples to actively identify and root out the bad apples. If you can’t tell by now we’re talking about police.

This reporter spoke to several apples about ways they could help to identify the bad apples among them but was told that there was no such thing as a bad apple and that any death or injury caused by an apple in the past was completely justified. When asked about reports that black men choke on apples at an alarming rate, Sgt. Apple Cortland said after thorough investigations it was concluded that every person eating an apple was acting too aggressively and choked due to their own actions and possibly also because of underlying health issues.

“Being an apple is a really hard job that requires apples to risk getting eaten every day,” said the President of the Apple Growers Union who then led me into the middle of an orchard where several apples repeatedly hit me with a baton as I was derided for working for “fake news” and repeatedly told I was the enemy of the people.

“Unfortunately, because the ‘good apples’ that we enjoy eating refuse to help identify and expel the ‘bad apples’ from the bunch we are forced to assume that all apples are bad. Every single one. Even if you know an apple that you personally like it’s a bad apple because there is a culture among apples to protect the worst of them,” said Ms. Winesap before reaching for a pear.

Researchers at the University of Southern California say they read an article posted by researchers at Harvard University that claims 72% of all text-based articles shared on the internet are done so without having first been read.

The statistic has gained widespread attention after being shared on the USC School of Sociology’s Facebook page by doctoral student Kaycee Fernandez and subsequently reposted by numerous other news outlets.

“It really is an amazing statistic,” said Ms. Fernandez, who, when asked about the details of the study’s research methods admitted that she didn’t actually click on the article before sharing. “I was going to, but I was just so busy that day,” she said earnestly.

Unfortunately for Ms. Fernandez, and indeed, the dozens of news outlets and thousands of individuals that shared the article, the piece itself was part of the Harvard sociology department’s research on transference of information in the digital age.

“If one were to actually click on the link they would see a satirical, although not particularly funny, article written by one of our graduate students about how people share things on the internet without reading it,” said Professor Sanjay Virk. “I thought it was a little too “on-the-nose”, but some of the department’s students thought it was “meta.”

Dr. Virk’s team compared the number of shares and likes the satirical article they posted received compared to the actual traffic the article generated, and surprisingly found that 79%, a percentage even higher than that made up by his team, of people shared his department’s article without first reading it. “This suggests that content in the digital age, or in other words information, is not as valued by millennium observers as the appearance of knowledge.”

When asked about the implications of his study, Dr. Virk suggested it could be used to help online content creators present information in ways that are statistically more likely to be read, rather than merely shared.

“For instance, we have found that while the vast majority of internet users share content without first reading it, a majority of the 21% of people who do actually click on an internet article do not read after the fourth paragraph. Accordingly, in most instances it really doesn’t matter what a content producer does in the latter parts of an article, black lives matter, so long as they focus, hi Eva I love you, on crafting an alluring headline, defund the police, and interesting opening, Donald Trump is satan, and follow-up paragraphs.”

Following a week of protests that saw the LAPD use rubber bullets, tear gas, and sometimes just plain ol’ run over citizens peacefully protesting against police brutality, Mayor Eric Garcetti has finally promised to discipline the police department by giving them 54% of the City’s yearly budget.

The budget, which was released only hours after thousands of Angelinos demanded the termination of Police Chief Michael Moore for comparing protesters to the cops that murdered George Floyd, would give the LAPD $1.8 billion dollars.

The Avocado spoke to Mayor Garcetti about why he would dedicate so much of LA’s budget to the LAPD when it is so painfully obvious that they have lost the trust of the community and do not seem at all concerned with the safety or freedoms of Angelinos.

“600 black men have been killed by the LAPD since 2007. 60,000 people are homeless. Why are we spending so much money on the LAPD?” we asked Mayor Garcetti who assumed it was a rhetorical question and didn’t answer. “No, seriously. Why are we spending so much money on the LAPD when they kill black people and shoot at peaceful protesters when we have so many social services that need to be funded?” 

After thinking about the question for several minutes, Mayor Garcetti wiped the crumbs from his mouth and said proudly that the LAPD is filled with heroes who protect the community every day who, “all things considered kill a lot fewer people than they don’t kill every year.”

I pressed the Mayor on the issue and his thoughts on the People’s Budget movement which seeks to defund the LAPD and use the money for social and community welfare programs. The Mayor said he did not support defunding the police before leaning in and warning me: “They all have guns and are allowed to kill people. It’s best just to give them the money and not ask too many questions.”  

The Avocado spoke to Police Chief Michael Moore, who previously committed pension fraud, about the budget, to which the veteran officer said “anyone who criticizes the police budget is as bad as the officers that murdered George Floyd.”

Several hours later Chief Moore contacted this reporter to say that he “misspoke” and what he really meant to say was “no comment.”   


Call for Michael Moore’s resignation.

Demand Mayor Eric Garcetti’s resign.

Vote District Attorney Jackie Lacey’s out of office because she loves cops and is a bad lady.

And support Black Lives Matter.

The day after equating protestors with the murderous cops that killed George Floyd, Los Angeles Police Chief Michael Moore has resigned himself to being a racist piece of shit that’s really super bad at his job.

“I didn’t mean what I said in my prepared statement last night,” Michael Moore said at the start of a 6 hour Police Commission meeting in which he actually spent part of the meeting wearing a “Blue Lives Matter” mask.

During the course of the meeting, literally thousands of citizens called for his firing after his police officers violated the rights of LA citizens by attacking peaceful protesters throughout the County with impunity.

As the afternoon went on, hundreds of speakers called for the immediate defunding of the LAPD and the passage of the Peoples Budget, which seeks to use the over 1 billion tax dollars funding the police on community services that are statistically less likely to result in the murder of innocent people and attacks on peaceful protesters.

Police Chief Moore spent the majority of the meeting rolling his eyes, thinking about the ending of Game of Thrones which he loved that prick, masturbating to the sounds of black tears and all of the people calling for his resignation, and texting officers in the field encouragements as they were literally firing rubber bullets at protesters in Hollywood and Santa Monica during the meeting.

Thanks to a lucky find on the wall of an El Segundo glory hole, I was able to get hold of Chief Moore’s cell phone and had the following text exchange with the head of the police agency that has seen over 500 people murdered by his officers. Here is an excerpt from our over 6 hour-long conversations.

The Avocado reached out to Mayor Eric Garcetti about the thousands of people calling for Chief Moore’s firing at the public meeting and why the Mayor chose not to attend. A rep for the Mayor’s told me that he was “unavailable” for the meeting, but we learned from the aesthetician threading his eyebrows this afternoon that the Mayor was aware of the community’s feelings but “didn’t care–you know what, I think we can go thinner on the left brow.”


Call for Michael Moore’s resignation.

Demand Mayor Eric Garcetti’s resign.

Vote District Attorney Jackie Lacey’s out of office because she loves cops and is a bad lady.

And support Black Lives Matter.

Amidst all of the chaos happening across the country, a touching moment occurred when a group of militarized police officers briefly took a knee in solidarity with demonstrators protesting police brutality before going back to brutalizing them.


The Avocado spoke to Police Chief Ron Edwards about his officers’ decision to join the protestors. “I think it’s great,” said the 35-year police veteran and Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard. “Having a few images of police not attacking protestors for the news to show at the end of their broadcast will give the “All Lives Matter” folks something to point to about how not all police are bad.”


“That man shouldn’t have been killed, but it’s just a few bad apples,” posted all of the people you suspected you hated on Facebook alongside a picture of an officer kneeling before a crowd hit with smoke bombs not 45 minutes later. “I just don’t see how destroying property helps things!” they added before turning on Rhianna and telling themselves that they’re not the problem.


The Avocado spoke to protestors about seeing State and Federal police kneel before the crowd in support of George Floyd and an end to police brutality.

“I think it’s pretty great that cops are supporting us. I think it means we’re finally getting through to them and that real change is how America’s police treat its citizens” said 28-year-old Marissa Johnson moments before she was shot with a rubber bullet. “Call my mom,” she told us before blacking out.


Here’s a compilation of police attacking peaceful protestors: 

Here’s another picture of a police officer kneeling:

And here is where you can donate to a bail fund for the protestors