Friday 7:22 PM

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby! That means I finally get to watch TV and pace from my living room to my kitchen like I have done every other day for the last three weeks. 

I may be quarantined right now, but you know where I am not quarantined? In my dreams! So I’ll also take myself a nap or two in between Korean soap operas and hopefully dream of a happier time, not too long ago, when I was allowed out of the house to attend a Kobe Bryant memorial or protest the President’s racist and anti-feminist agenda. Those were the days. 

But I’m one of the lucky ones since I still have a job and it lets me work remotely. I haven’t been able to get much work done because I have been watching so many of those Korean soap operas and fully expect to be fired in the next couple of weeks, but it won’t matter because I’m getting a stimulus check from the government! $1,200 baby! My rent is $2,400, but I’m not too concerned because this pandemic is about self-reflection and working on yourself and I refuse to let myself become a victim of negative energy.

Saturday 9:04 AM

I just found out my mom tested positive. My dad called to tell me and like, I wanted to know, but also didn’t need to know this early in the morning. I was having a nice dream about sitting in traffic on my way to the job I hate. I’ll never get back to sleep. 

Saturday 11:45 AM

Okay, if it weren’t bad enough that my mom is being intubated and I can’t go visit her, Yop Sung-Soo just called off her engagement to Nang Ji-Hoon which will bring great shame to his family. I know I was trying to remain positive, but Sung-Soo’s betrayal has got me feeling low so I ordered some comfort food from my favorite restaurant to make me feel better. I ended up spending $40 on an $11 bowl of pasta, but at least I got to eat something I love and was able to mostly ignore my persistent concern that it was prepared by someone who has been infected. I wonder how my mom is doing? 

Saturday 4:30 PM

She didn’t answer, but I’m sure it’s fine. I’ll just smoke a little weed and watch some more TV. Hopefully, Ji-Hoon can prove to his father that he is honorable enough to take over the family’s business. Of course, if 젊은이의 양지 were real then surely Ji-Hoon’s family’s tea shop would be out of business at this point and Ji-Hoon’s prospects of a bride from a family as well-respected as Sung-Soo’s is unlikely. I wonder if smoking weed is a good idea during a world-wide respiratory virus outbreak? No need to worry about that, I can’t catch Coronavirus if I just stay in my apartment all day…But what if I did catch something from that $40 pasta? 

Saturday 7:00 PM

I took a little nap and boy do I feel better. I had 15 missed calls from my dad and siblings, but I’m sure everything is okay. They are probably just bored too. Before I call him back I want to finish the season and find out whether Ji-Hoon was able to find love after all.

Saturday 11:12 PM

He was! That’s great, but I wish his grandmother was able to meet his new bride before she passed away. At least his fiance was able to honor his late grandmother’s memory by attending her funeral. Family is so important. I wonder if we’ll even be able to have a funeral if my mom dies? I’ll call my family back in the morning, I’m sure everything is fine…

Sunday 11:45 AM

I just spoke to my dad and he says my mom is stable. He and my siblings are bored and had nothing to do but call me. I have been talking to them an awful lot since this quarantine, a lot more than I had in years, which is sort of nice, but they call so much that I just can’t get anything done around the house. I mean, this was supposed to be a relaxing weekend and all they want to do is talk to me about their anxieties about the life-threatening virus or mom’s condition. Sort of inconsiderate, if you ask me. 

Sunday 6:45 PM

Well, I’ve finished Netflix’s entire catalog of Korean dramas so I guess I’ll try the Scandinavian shows next? The weekend went by quite quickly and I’m excited tomorrow begins a brand new week. That means I finally get to watch TV and pace from my living room to my kitchen like I have done every other day for the last four weeks. 

Following new guidance that residents should be wearing face masks whenever they leave the house, many clothing brands have begun producing protective gear, leaving L.A.’s most fashionable eager to snag a mask from their favorite brands at any cost. 

Among the most desirable face masks is a $600 limited edition mask reportedly put out by streetwear brand Supreme. “It’s just so dope, I saw it online and knew I just had to have it,” said Brandon Lieu as he waited among hundreds in an hourslong line in front of the Company’s Fairfax store. “Everyone knows it’s important to protect yourself from Rona,” said the 22-year-old UCLA junior, “but it’s just as important to look good.”

The Avocado arrived on Fairfax and saw a long-line of vaping hypebeasts waiting to buy a mask. As a 30-something hypochondriac who has worn the same guacamole stained cargo shorts for the last three-weeks under quarantine I was concerned about being among people and also generally confused by the seeming loyalty to the Supreme brand, but agreed to take the assignment because I wanted to pick up a Reuben from Canter’s and didn’t want to pay an $8 Postmate fee.

As I waited in line and talked to the men and women eager to spend hundreds of dollars on a branded mask I noticed that the transactions were not occurring inside the store. Rather, the merchandise was being sold at the end of the block by two young men selling masks out of several cardboard boxes. I asked Vivianne, a 32-year-old out-of-work choreographer why the masks were being sold outside, to which the woman muttered something about how it would be unsafe during a pandemic to make the sale in a confined space before surreptitiously taking a picture of me in my guacamole shorts and posting on Twitter about how it’s so hard to stand in line for medical supplies without being harassed by “a barrage of corned beef eating Jews.” I was offended by the characterization but was eating a sandwich when I spoke to her and do look very stereotypically Jewish, so I tried not to get too upset.

As I waited in line nearly two hours to reach the end of the block my tummy began to hurt from the sandwich and I also started feeling flush and developing shortness of breath. As I started to wonder out loud whether I had Coronavirus a 43-year-old standing nearby told me that my symptoms were more than likely anxiety and that I should “hit this” vape pen. Feeling a bit of peer pressure on account that this man was better looking and taller than me, I agreed, but almost immediately regretted that decision when that man, a self-described “libertarian”, began telling everyone around him that Coronavirus was being way overblown by the media and wasn’t anything to be concerned about. 

“If you believe that, then why are you waiting in line to get a face mask?” I asked, already very high at this point. The man laughed and said that he was just buying the mask so he could sell it online later. “These things will fetch $1000, sometimes more, online,” he said. “Good ol’ free market.” 

After nearly four hours, I finally made it to the men at the end of the block and it was immediately clear that these masks were not officially sanctioned Supreme merchandise, but rather cheap leggings cut and then hastily imprinted with the Supreme logo. “Are these certified to block germs?” I asked one of the boys of the thin material mask. “I don’t think these will be effective,” I said, to which the salesperson replied “they’re better than nothing, probably” and handed me a mix-tape featuring him rapping which he said comes with the mask. 

After making the purchase, which I assume I will be reimbursed for [Editor’s Note: He will not.], I put the mask on and began to walk back to my car. This was the most expensive article of clothing or medical equipment I owned, and for the first time, I understood the appeal of wearing a highly desirable piece of clothing. It made me feel like I was worth more. Like I was special.

As I walked down Fairfax I saw people stare at my mask and, in fact, was approached by several people who offered to buy the mask right then and there. Feeling a confidence I had never felt before, I declined, telling the would-be purchasers that there would be no price I would be willing to sell my mask. “It’s worth much more than face value,” I laughed, believing myself to be very clever, but the purchaser just said “whatever” and purchased one of the knock-off masks from that libertarian a few moments later.

As I sat in the hospital the next week, fired for spending $600 without company permission and also with pnemonia on account that the fake Supreme mask was not at all effective in stopping the Coronavirus, I continued to wear the mask, still feeling more confident than I had in years; certainly since at least the day that I left my Yeshiva. “I want to be burried in this mask,” I told my mother over Facetime as she said goodbye to me.  And indeed, one week later, I was. 

 

Balancing kids, household distractions, TV, and the ever-present anxiety that fills us all with despair every morning has made it very difficult for many to productively work from home. Well, life for telecommuters has gotten a little bit harder this week now that Grammy winner John Legend has downloaded Zoom and begun crashing conference calls with home concert performances.

“It was so strange,” said Vanessa Reyler, head of human relations for Pipestart Inc., an auto parts distributor based in Elkhart, Indiana. “There were about 6 of us on Zoom discussing the need to immediately lay off about half of our salesforce and all of a sudden John Legend is on our screens singing All of Me. He sounded great, but it was a little much.”

“‘Zoombombing‘, the act of crashing a video conference, has become rampant over the last few weeks,” explained UCLA media professor Heinrich Jabory over a Zoom interview with the Avocado. “Conference crashers tend to be trolls and perverts, but since the quarantine, we’re seeing more and more Grammy-nominated singer-songwriters take over work calls with impromptu performances.” I asked Professor Jabory if there were ways a business could protect against unwanted intruders, but was interrupted when Dave Matthews crashed the interview to begin a 16-minute acoustic version of Dancing Nancies. “I’m sorry, I can’t listen to this guy again,” apologized Professor Jabory as he left the conference, leaving just me to awkwardly listen to Dave Matthews until he finally finished the song.

The Avocado attempted to reach out to John Legend through Twitter, but our messages went unanswered. Being quite clever, I decided to start a Zoom conference with members of our staff under the auspices of having to let them go and, sure enough, John Legend showed up.

“It’s such an honor to be able to sing for you all,” he said unprompted over the cries of Janice, our copyeditor who believed she was being let go, before beginning an understated cover of John Lennon’s Imagine.

“I love John Lennon,” said Janice, to which John Legend misheard and thanked the still crying septuagenarian.

“Um, excuse me, excuse me! John!” I called out. “Can you stop singing for a minute?”

John Legend looked confused. He had never been stopped in the middle of a performance before. “What’s wrong? Do you not like this song? Do you want me to play an original instead?” he asked before starting into Ordinary People.

“No! I’m just wondering what are you doing in here? This is a work conference about firing Janice,” I said, to which Janice started to wail again. “Why are you singing in here?”

John’s brows furrowed in deep thought. “I guess I just felt that this was a way I could spread a little joy throughout the world,” he said. “I’m sorry if you don’t like it. I’ll go.”

I watched a single tear fall from John Legend’s eyes, and lots more from Janice who was streaming herself from her grandson’s iPad. At that moment I felt a great sadness for John Legend whom I made feel bad for trying to share his art for the world during this difficult time.

“John,” I called out. “I’m sorry. I think you’re great, are you going to be okay?” I asked.

“Yeah, I hope so,” he said as he left his piano to rejoined Chrissy Tiegen and his children in the east wing’s home theater.

“So, what about my severance?” sniffled Janice.

“What, oh, you’re not fired,” I said and explained that the meeting was just a ruse to lure John Legend on cam.

“But why did you have to make me think I was getting fired? I have a heart condition, you know!” Janice said, angrily. I thought about it for a moment and didn’t have a great answer, but luckily Dave Matthews crashed the video conference causing Janice to flee.

“Why, hello again!” Dave Matthews greeted before going into a 35-minute version of Don’t Drink The Water.

In Rona’s wake, the Arnez family of Orange County is struggling just like the rest of the world. In just a month, Zachary and Abby Arnez’s 401(k) portfolio is down 30% and the mostly working class tenents in their Van Nuys investment property have lost their jobs and likely won’t be able to pay rent on April 1.

“This is all really inconvenient,” said Zachary Arnez, an insurance litigator  who has been working from home.  “On top of everything, because I make several hundred thousand dollars a year I don’t even qualify for stimulus money.”  

“Once again, the Federal Governemnt leaves the upper-middle-upper class people like myself out to dry,” complained Mr. Arnez. “But instead of complaining about things like those liberals in Congress, I decided to pull myself up by my bootstraps and call my colleague Brett  who is a corporate tax lawyer and had him incorporate my family as a regional airline. Now we’re getting $4.6 million in government subsidies which we will use for food, shelter, and to pick up several more distressed properties when the housing market finishes collapsing.” 

We asked Mr. Arnez how he could just call himself an airline all of a sudden. “I’m an airline, you can check the records,” he told us shortly after applying for the million in government funds. We asked him if he were really an airline then where did he fly and where are his planes. “We have no planes or flights scheduled,” he said, reasoning “that’s why this bailout is so important for us.”

The Avocado tried to speak with Zachary’s coleague, Brett Wilkinson, himself a recently Panamanian chartered cruise vessel receiving over 2.5 million in government bailout money, but he refused to sit down with us without a retainer. He did tell us, however, that because he is now technically flagged in Panama, he was in the process of applying for several grants set up for small Hispanic businesses.   

Author’s Note: Shortly after turning in this article I was fired from this job without severance. Thankfully, I make less than $75,000 a year and am eligible for a one-time payment of $1,200. My rent is $2,400 a month.

Author’s Second Note: On advice of counsel I have incorporated as the Kennedy Center for The Arts in order to recive $25,000 in federal funds earmarked for it in the stimulus package.     

Dear Raphael Bob-Waksberg, 

My name is Milo and it would be great if you could help me break into Hollywood as a comedy writer. I am a very nice person with over 1000 followers on Instagram and have seen almost every episode of Frasier. My favorite episode is the Ski-Lodge and my least favorite are the ones that focus on Bulldog. I know it may be presumptuous to ask for help, but my mom went to high school with your mom and they recently spoke and agreed it was a good idea for you to talk to me about how to make it in Hollywood, which I interpreted as helping me find a job. 

I’ll be honest, I have never seen BoJack Horseman or Undone and decided not to watch them before writing you since they are out of production and therefore are of no use to me. I hear they’re good though! Congrats, dude! Do you have any TV shows that are currently in production that you could staff me on to write? I was an editor at my college newspaper and wrote a Home Improvement spec script for a creative writing class there that I think is really good. It revolves around Tim’s youngest son, Taran Noah Smith, starting a relationship with a woman twice his age who tricks him into making an unwise investment in a medicinal marijuana company. Tim has to get him out of the contract with the help of Jill and Al Borland. I can send it to you so you can give me notes on it before passing it on to your agent! Your mom said you would be more than happy to do so! 

Thanks for your time and I look forward to working with you,

Milo Paul Gosselaar (Bonnie’s son)


Dear Megan Amran, 

Hello! I hope this message finds you well and that you are still receiving emails from this @harvard.edu address. My name is Milo and my brother John Diamond worked at Harvard at the same time you were enrolled! He is still there doing IT and when I told him I wanted to be a comedy writer he volunteered to give me the email addresses of all the folks on the Lampoon listserv. He’s a great guy and very encouraging of my dreams. 

While I didn’t myself attend Harvard I figured you would like to help me become a successful comedy writer because of this shared Crimson connection. Us Ivy League people need to stick together and I would truly appreciate you connecting me to someone who runs the Simpsons. Don’t get me wrong, I think you’re great on Twitter and all, but if this is going to happen I need to get to the people at the very top and they were at Harvard before email addresses. 

Truly yours, 

Milo Paul Gosselaar (John’s brother)


Dear Mark Paul Gosselaar, 

This is awkward, but I am your son and badly need your help getting a job writing comedy for television. My mother, Bonnie, was part of NBC’s accounting team during the College Years and I believe the two of you met and became intimate during an NBC sponsored retreat in San Luis Obispo. She is the one who encouraged me to reach out to you and sends her best.  

I am a huge fan of the show Mixed-ish which you star and would like a job writing for the show. As you are Dutch and my mother’s family is German, I feel like I have the insights required to write about a mixed-race experience. I was also a huge fan of Franklin and Bash and would also appreciate an introduction to Breckin Meyer who I think could get me a job writing for Robot Chicken. 

Thanks dad and I love you, 

Milo Paul Gosselaar (your son)


Dear Mario Lopez, 

This is awkward, but I am your son and badly need your help getting a job writing comedy for television. My mother, Bonnie, was part of NBC’s accounting team during the College Years and I believe the two of you met and became intimate during an NBC sponsored retreat in San Luis Obispo. She is the one who encouraged me to reach out to you and sends her best.  

I am a huge fan of the show Entertainment Tonight and need your help finding me a job writing comedy for television. I know that ET isn’t a “comedy show”, but I figured someone must write the jokes you make about staying in a Marriott or whatever. I also saw that you recently played yourself in an episode of Brooklyn-99 and thought you could also reach out to its producers to see if I could work on that show.

Thanks dad and I love you, 

Milo Lopez (your son)


Dear Dustin Diamond, 

This is awkward, but I am your son and badly need your help getting a job writing comedy for television. My mother, Bonnie, was part of NBC’s accounting team during the College Years and I believe the two of you met and became intimate during an NBC sponsored retreat in San Luis Obispo. She is the one who encouraged me to reach out to tell you that you owe her 28-years of child support and if you do not pay then she is going to take you back to court. 

Thanks and I was wondering if you had a direct line for Mark Paul Gosselaar, he has not been returning my emails. 

Milo Diamond (your son)

Guest Editorial by Richard Burr, Republican Senator from North Carolina

As the Chair of the Senate’s intelligence community, I know first hand how dangerous a challenge Covid-19 has been for our country and our economy. But just because a global, worldwide economic depression is at our door doesn’t mean we should be passive! There are plenty of things you can do to manage your financial portfolio so long as you have the foresight, financial capital, and access to classified information weeks before the rest of the Country. 

Corona Money Tip 1: Do your research! 

Sound money management is all about research! One thing you should know about the free market is it reacts to large, worldwide events in a very predictable manner. So the trick is simply knowing when those big events will occur. In this case, information that the U.S. economy would crash was out there if you knew where to find it: In classified briefings given to select members of the U.S. Senators. 

Now, I’ve been seeing a lot of complaining from the Fake News media that it is somehow “unfair” for Senators like me to use information obtained in classified briefings for their financial profit, and while it might technically be “illegal”, my position is what was I supposed to do with the knowledge that the economy was going to collapse? Warn my constituents? No. Sell off my hotel stocks? Yes! 

Corona Money Tip 2: Sell stocks that represent the things we loved about our old way of life

When I was a boy growing up in North Carolina I knew a man who did maintenance on my daddy’s cotton farm, his name was N***** John. You know, maybe that wasn’t his name but just what my daddy used to call him. Anyway, N***** John would save all his money so he could leave the farm for a week every three years to go see his wife and kids in Barbados. It was through N***, let’s just call him John since I don’t want to stir up the P.C. police–It was through John that I learned the value in investing in airlines and aerospace companies. As I grew up I realized that lots of poor people work solely to allow them to experience little moments of happiness such as going to a restaurant at the end of the week or staying in a hotel on vacation. It’s pathetic when you think about it, but is a valuable insight into how to manage your portfolio. 

When you learn (See Corona Money Tip 1) that a viral outbreak will prevent people like John and other poor folk from traveling or going to sit down restaurants like Red Robin or Chili’s or leaving their homes, it’s time to sell-off your position in all of the industries that give people joy! 

Corona Money Tip 3: Invest in companies that do well in a quarantine

The economy isn’t all bad though! With everyone stuck inside or dying in a hospital, there is plenty of opportunities to invest in companies like Netflix or medical supply companies that make masks and ventilators. I got a hunch (see Tip 1 again) that ventilator manufacturers will see a great ROI this year. Other areas of growth are telework companies, toilet paper and bleach, liquor, and pornography. 

Corona Money Tip 4Brush off the haters

I became a Senator because I wanted to help my constituents. And there is no better way of helping the public through an economic depression than ensuring the status of your own economic security. That’s how trickle-down economics works.

But not everyone will be happy for me and my colleagues for reading the very obvious signs shared with us in secret intelligence hearings about the impending economic collapse. I’m sad to say that some disgusting people will suggest that those of us who have profiteered off of our position in government and this crisis should be arrested or tarred and feathered or shamed or hanged or worse, forced to clawback our profits. But you should do your best to ignore those democrats and poor people because you have an obligation to you and your family to make as much money as humanly possible no matter the consequences or the ethics of it. That’s America, and that’s why I love her. 

By Richard Burr (R) Sen-NC. 

Grocery stores can’t stock enough toilet paper. The CDC has announced hospitals are running dangerously low on masks. And now, amidst the COVID-19 pandemic, the Writers Guild of America (WGA) has announced its own nationwide shortage on reasons why you haven’t finished your pilot yet.

On Tuesday, the WGA released this statement: “With so many writers furloughed from their day jobs, bars where networking events are held being closed, and how boring it is to brainstorm with your writing partner over Skype, we have an unprecedented dearth of reasons why the nation’s writers haven’t been able to finish their scripts. We ask for your support on behalf of all writers during this difficult time of uncertainty around the novel coronavirus.”

Hours after this statement was released, a record number of computer files titled “Coronavirus” intended to be novels were created. As of Thursday evening, fewer than 7% of those files have been opened a second time.

Michelle Crown, a WGA employee who wished to remain anonymous, told The Avocado “We’re trying to help by manufacturing new explanations, but it’s difficult when writers have so much free time. So far, all we’ve got is ‘actually falling ill,’ and ‘the anxiety surrounding this pandemic is paralyzing’,” said Ms. Crown, admitting she was in charge of coming up with additional excuses but ended up just binging Love Is Blind all night instead.

“Typically, I’m too busy to write as much as I’d like, so right now it’s… I mean, it’s hard to do all the outlining when I have to go to…” stuttered Daniel Easton, screenwriter by day and server by night. Mr. Easton was let go from his serving job on March 15th. His comedy pilot, however, titled Coming of (Los) Age-eles about five roommates in their twenties trying to “make it” in the entertainment industry, loosely based on his own life experience, has not been worked on at all since.

“A lot goes into the creative process before you even start a script!” Mr. Easton insisted when asked why he has not started on his pilot. He was unable to provide specifics as to what those things might be.

Prominent WGA member Aaron Sorkin talked to The Avocado about the WGA’s excuse shortage. “Well, when writing any pilot, you start by doing a lot of research into law and politics, so there are still some reasons why pilots aren’t getting written,” the noted political writer said. Upon hearing this, a flurry of people came within six feet of us, seemingly desperate for Mr. Sorkin’s blessing to turn their lead characters into lawyers with hearts of gold, and politicians with hearts of gold, and Mark Zuckerbergs. None of these clamoring writers seemed concerned about contracting COVID-19, with one woman, Jessica Ward, being heard saying “Getting sick is the only real reason for me to not be writing” as she licked a nearby door handle.

The Avocado followed up with Ms. Ward a few days later who reported that although she still wasn’t sick, she had gotten distracted from her research by re-watching The West Wing. “But,” she said, “I’m almost at the point in season 5 when Rob Lowe leaves the show, and then I’ll stop being distracted, and THEN I am going to write something really killer!”

The average reader of this publication has at least one idea for a pilot sitting in a file somewhere on their computer. You have this article open instead of working on that idea. But, then again, so do I.

The Avocado emailed prolific writer Tyler Perry for comment on the WGA’s statement and the inability of many writers to use this time off to be productive, but the television and feature film writer deleted it believing it to be a GoFundMe page for his out of work PAs.

By Emma Lieberman

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“The Upright Citizens Brigade is like a family,” said 28-year-old improv teacher and Podcast host Jeremy Reynolds shortly before finding out he would be fired immediately without severance. “No, that can’t be right? UCB wouldn’t just not pay us during the middle of a crisis,” said Mr. Reynolds of the theater he has paid over $2,500 to for improv classes and performs at twice a week for free. “What happened to ‘I got your back?'”

As the world grips with the economic fallout from Coronavirus and the Nation’s improvisers struggle to steal each other’s jokes on Twitter and practice their character work on Instagram live, many are looking to UCB’s founders, Matt Walsh, Ian Roberts, Matt Besser, and particularly Amy Poehler who is fucking loaded, to provide a cushion to, if not the hundreds of UCB performers who work for free, than at least UCB’s staff who relies on the theater for their weed and livelihood .

“I literally can’t do anything else!” said Jeremy Reynolds when faced with the thought of buying food and paying rent without a job. “No one is going to hire me to teach them improv on the internet and I don’t even know when I would be able to now that I’ve taken on a full-time quarantine podcasting schedule.”

The Avocado braved the quarantine to seek comment at UCB’s Franklin location, but no one was there. As I walked back to my car I was intercepted by a Scientologist from the Celebrity Center across the street where I was told all about Dianetics and how it protects against the spread of the virus. As I sat with Diane, a 48-year-old Scientologist leader and learned about her religion, I told her about the story I was working on.

“That’s horrible! They make so much money, they should really help their staff at a time of worldwide crisis,” Diane told me before asking me to sign a billion-year contract pledging my fealty to the Church and its late-founder L. Ron Hubbard.

Editor’s Note: Because of capitalism, a GoFundMe to help UCB’s staff has been set up.

Editor’s Updated Note: My agent just saw the post, fired me, and told me I would never work in comedy again. Accordignly, a GoFundMe to help myself will be set up shortly.

Disney is reportedly considering a separate “adult-themed” streaming service called “Disney After Dark,” which will feature more mature content, including the 20th Century Fox catalog of R-rated content, as well as a variety of hardcore pornographic options. 

We knew early on that we wanted Disney Plus to be strictly for families and didn’t want it to include R-rated films,” said CEO Bob Iger. “But when we purchased 20th Century Fox last year, we also acquired cinematic classics that were not well suited for our main platform and its core audience of childless 30-somethings watching Darkwing Duck and thinking about a time before Trump. We think it’s time there was an outlet available for only another $6.99 a month to watch our more mature intellectual property.” 

The Disney after Dark brand will include 20th Century Fox owned classics like All About Eve, mature action comedies like Deadpool, and a wide variety of hardcore and kink fetish porn made available through Disney’s recent acquisition of internet pornography website Pornhub. 

When asked why Disney decided to acquire Pornhub, Mr. Iger said it was part of Disney’s long-term goal of “owning all the companies.”

“At Disney, we believe in being innovative, and we think entering the smut business is key to our future success,” said Iger, who noted that a 30-something could only watch Darkwing Duck for so long before getting bored and needing to masturbate. “The show was made for 10-year-olds, it can’t realistically sustain an adult’s attention for more than, honestly, about half an episode. We want to make sure that when our Disney Plus customers leave our platform to seek out more mature content, they don’t go to a competitor.”

The Avocado spoke to Harlan Palmer, a 34-year-old graphic designer and self-prescribed Disney fanatic who spent the day binging Disney classics from his youth in between visits to Pornhub. “I guess you can say I’m Disney obsessed,” said Mr. Palmer before watching the first 10 minutes of Alice in Wonderland, getting bored, and pulling out his laptop.

The Avocado spoke to a chain smoking Netflix executive about Disney’s strategy: “I think it’s brilliant. People love nostalgia and porn,” he said as an assistant handed him a printout of the number of users who canceled their accounts in the last two weeks. As he sat there contemplating what Disney’s entry into the streaming world means for Netflix, he muttered something about “remember how good Orange Is the New Black used to be” before asking us to leave the room so he can “check out the competition.” 

Madison Alquarashi does not understand why there is not a cure for Coronavirus yet. “We pay a lot of money in taxes and expect the government to protect its citizens,” said the 33-year-old Santa Monica mother of four. “We want a cure now! And not one of those cures that causes Autism like those other vaccines the government tries to push down our throat.” 

During a phone interview with the Avocado, Ms. Alquarashi explained her frustration at the world-wide pandemic and the inconvenience of staying at home with her kids now that she won’t let her nanny, Esmerelda, in the house anymore. “Esmerelda is a lovely person, but let’s be honest, she lives in Reseda and I don’t want whatever she is picking up on the bus around my children during this pandemic,” explained Ms. Alquarashi, who said she takes social distancing very seriously. “I’ve been very vigilant about staying at home with my kids all day, except for the one pilates class I go to in the afternoon which is really like medically essential in my opinion.”

When asked about the possibility of remaining socially isolated for several months, Ms. Alquarashi expressed frustration that the government has not yet found a cure for Coronavirus. “The government needs to find a cure for this thing fast! I can’t just not go to yoga for three months,” she explained, adding that a Coronavirus treatment is especially important since her family has a history of serious health issues. 

“My children are all immunocompromised and have a history of contracting measles, mumps, and rubella,” explained Ms. Alquarash as she dabbed a cold compress on her youngest, Nathanial’s forehead. “Contracting coronavirus could be really dangerous for them so we need a cure fast,” she pleaded. “And I better not read online when it does come out that it causes autism, in which case I am not giving it to my children.” 

This article is dedicated to the memory of Nathanial Alquarashi.