“Here at Amazon, we want to use the $1.3 Trillion we have to make the world a better place,” Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos told a crowd of diverse employees positioned behind him for the photograph. “We have literally so much money that we can advocate for social change at a monumental scale and we view it as our responsibility to do so.”

“YES! JEFF! JEFF! JEFF!” screamed the men and women hand-selected by Amazon’s Head of Diversity and Inclusion to stand behind him. They had to clock out during the speech but were generously told the company would not count the time not working as part of their sick leave. “There’ll be plenty of time for getting sick in the future,” joked the email they received citing a recent outbreak of Coronavirus cases within Amazon facilities

That’s why I am so proud to announce Amazon will donate $10 million to organizations supporting Black communities,” said Bezos to thunderous applause from all except one warehouse supervisor named Jamal who called out “but isn’t that only .004% of Amazon’s yearly revenues?” before being removed from the crowd and fired…out of a cannon.

This reporter was permitted to speak to Mr. Bezos during a wide-ranging interview about the importance of racial unity and of lifting Black voices, as well as how Jeff Bezos has been able to put on so much muscle mass at his age and his plans for his new Los Angeles house he purchased for $165 million. “It’s a beautiful piece of property. The house itself is a tear-down, but the land has real potential,” said Mr. Bezos before approving a plan to further automate thousands of low-paying jobs from his plant. 

I asked Mr. Bezos whether there was any push back from his customers for Amazon’s outspoken, performative stand for racial justice, to which the anthropomorphic muscle-penis said that he had received criticism, but that he wasn’t bothered by it. 

“Many heroes, including the Reverend and Doctor Martin Luther King Jr., Mahatma Gandhi, and probably many women too but I just can’t think of any right now, have had to make sacrifices to improve our world.” I asked Mr. Bezos whether he was comparing himself to these icons of human rights, to which Mr. Bezos said that all of his heroes and best friends were advocates for human rights and pointed to a picture of him and Morgan Freeman. “I’ve always been a big fan of Nelson Mandela, you know?” 

“For me, Jeff Bezos, money is just money. And what’s the point of having so much money if not to spend it to make our future better?” he asked rhetorically before showing off his physique. Amazon makes $10 million dollars every 22 minutes.  

After watching him flex his triceps for several minutes and describe how his diet keeps him in ketosis, I asked the world’s richest man why it was fair that his company could make $265 billion a year and pay no money in federal income taxes and then think 10 million dollars to support Black communities is adequate. The question seemed to upset Mr. Bezos, who put his shirt back on and then called someone in to remove me from the room as he shouted out something about “trickle-down economics.”

As I stood in a long line of Amazon dissenters waiting to be shot out of a cannon for criticizing Jeff Bezos, I was tapped on the shoulder by an Amazon publicist with an exciting update.

“Great news. Because you ‘spoke truth to power, Jeff Bezos has decided to match whatever donations his underpaid staff make to the NAACP. All you need to do is agree to focus on that in your article and sign this NDA about Mr. Bezos’ triceps and the cannon and the sex dungeon.”

“I didn’t see a sex dungeon,” I said.

“Well, good. Because there isn’t a sex dungeon. And even if there was it would be only be used for consensual bondage, S&M, and butt play between adults,” said the publicist. 

“I’m sorry, but that still seems woefully inadequate. Why doesn’t Amazon just pay taxes? Why are they taking so god damn much from this world and giving so god damn little back?” I asked, but by that time she was gone. I was loaded into the cannon, along with Jamal and an elderly Hispanic woman who was overheard talking about her niece’s communion by a supervisor who thought he heard the word “union” and was shot out of a cannon and killed.

I’m dead now. 

Bye.