Guest Editorial by Richard Burr, Republican Senator from North Carolina

As the Chair of the Senate’s intelligence community, I know first hand how dangerous a challenge Covid-19 has been for our country and our economy. But just because a global, worldwide economic depression is at our door doesn’t mean we should be passive! There are plenty of things you can do to manage your financial portfolio so long as you have the foresight, financial capital, and access to classified information weeks before the rest of the Country. 

Corona Money Tip 1: Do your research! 

Sound money management is all about research! One thing you should know about the free market is it reacts to large, worldwide events in a very predictable manner. So the trick is simply knowing when those big events will occur. In this case, information that the U.S. economy would crash was out there if you knew where to find it: In classified briefings given to select members of the U.S. Senators. 

Now, I’ve been seeing a lot of complaining from the Fake News media that it is somehow “unfair” for Senators like me to use information obtained in classified briefings for their financial profit, and while it might technically be “illegal”, my position is what was I supposed to do with the knowledge that the economy was going to collapse? Warn my constituents? No. Sell off my hotel stocks? Yes! 

Corona Money Tip 2: Sell stocks that represent the things we loved about our old way of life

When I was a boy growing up in North Carolina I knew a man who did maintenance on my daddy’s cotton farm, his name was N***** John. You know, maybe that wasn’t his name but just what my daddy used to call him. Anyway, N***** John would save all his money so he could leave the farm for a week every three years to go see his wife and kids in Barbados. It was through N***, let’s just call him John since I don’t want to stir up the P.C. police–It was through John that I learned the value in investing in airlines and aerospace companies. As I grew up I realized that lots of poor people work solely to allow them to experience little moments of happiness such as going to a restaurant at the end of the week or staying in a hotel on vacation. It’s pathetic when you think about it, but is a valuable insight into how to manage your portfolio. 

When you learn (See Corona Money Tip 1) that a viral outbreak will prevent people like John and other poor folk from traveling or going to sit down restaurants like Red Robin or Chili’s or leaving their homes, it’s time to sell-off your position in all of the industries that give people joy! 

Corona Money Tip 3: Invest in companies that do well in a quarantine

The economy isn’t all bad though! With everyone stuck inside or dying in a hospital, there is plenty of opportunities to invest in companies like Netflix or medical supply companies that make masks and ventilators. I got a hunch (see Tip 1 again) that ventilator manufacturers will see a great ROI this year. Other areas of growth are telework companies, toilet paper and bleach, liquor, and pornography. 

Corona Money Tip 4Brush off the haters

I became a Senator because I wanted to help my constituents. And there is no better way of helping the public through an economic depression than ensuring the status of your own economic security. That’s how trickle-down economics works.

But not everyone will be happy for me and my colleagues for reading the very obvious signs shared with us in secret intelligence hearings about the impending economic collapse. I’m sad to say that some disgusting people will suggest that those of us who have profiteered off of our position in government and this crisis should be arrested or tarred and feathered or shamed or hanged or worse, forced to clawback our profits. But you should do your best to ignore those democrats and poor people because you have an obligation to you and your family to make as much money as humanly possible no matter the consequences or the ethics of it. That’s America, and that’s why I love her. 

By Richard Burr (R) Sen-NC.