Actress Lori Loughlin and her husband pleaded guilty Friday to charges of fraud in the college admissions scandal, admitting they scammed their daughters’ way into USC with lies and illegal payments.

But the case against Loughlin and her husband J. Mossimo Giannulli remained unsettled after the judge in the case put off a decision on whether to accept the couple’s guilty pleas and the terms of deals they struck with prosecutors. This week, the Judge accepted the star’s plea and sentenced her to two months in prison.

At her sentencing, Loughlin begged the Court to “HAAVVVEEE MERRCY”.

“Excuse me, Mrs. Loughlin, what was that?” asked the Court, confused why the former Full House star said the phrase in a faux-Elvis accent, waited for a reaction that never came, and then raised her eyebrows like “come on, don’t you get it?”

“I said…HAVVVVEEEEE MERRRRRCYYYYY,” said Mrs. Loughlin, still getting no reaction from the judge. “You know, like from the TV show. John Stamos would say it to me–”

“Oh, right. I understand,” said the Judge. “But you really are asking for mercy, right? It’s not just a bit?”

“I am asking for you to…HAAAA–

“–OK noted, Ms. Loughlin. I’ll take this matter under advisement and should have a ruling next week.

“Thank you, your honor,” said Mrs. Loughlin before turning to her lawyer.

“I think that went really well,” she said to her attorney, adding “I think she is going to HAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEE MERRRRRRRRRRRRRRCCCCCCYYYYYYYYYYYYYY on me.”

With the economy at a standstill and mass unemployment gripping the nation, real estate experts predict housing prices will fall to still way more than you will ever be able to afford.

“Home prices around the country will plummet over the next six months from unfathomable to still completely out of reach,” said a real estate agent you went to high school on Facebook. “It’s about to become a buyer’s market,” he posted before liking a picture of your sister from 2014. Creep.

The Avocado asked everyone we know if they were planning on buying a home once the market drops but they were all too busy worrying about how they were supposed to pay back the $80,000 in student loans they have now that they have been fired from their job at [fill in the name of the place you used to work here].

But not everyone is so pessimistic about homeownership. We spoke to a real estate investor who asked to be identified only as “We Are NOT Slum Lords, LLC” who said he plans on picking up several more rental properties in traditional black and brown neighborhoods once the foreclosures really start rolling. “This is a great opportunity for people who already have a lot of money to make a lot of money.”

“Thirteen,” Rich grunted, before dropping the dumbbells on the ground, staring at his tri’s and letting out a “sweet” in self-admiration. Having achieved maximum pump, he flexed once again. Brows furrowed in concentration, as if performing to a binocular clad-observer on a nearby rooftop. But today, he remained unobserved. He relaxed and picked up his blender bottle, drinking the protein shake moments before his anabolic window closed.

Prevented from going to his sanctuary, Gold’s Gym–the one in Santa Monica, since the bodybuilders at the Venice location had quickly grown tired of his incessant live streaming–Rich has been forced to work out in his home gym. Or rather, it was the small lot behind the complex housing his studio, which he shared with the other tenants. A clever move, considering that for them to scold him for blocking their cars, they must bear witness to his full physicality. This would be Rich’s only audience, his live streams now barren, held captive to behold him in awe.

“The work begins when you want to give up. Everything worth achieving in life is hard and there will always be people trying to drag you down, telling you that you can’t do it. You can achieve anything through persistence, determination, and never giving up!” He finished typing the caption and posted the photo of his to Instagram. It was a good photo. The early afternoon sun had bathed him, contouring all eight of his abdominals. Rich watched his phone, waiting for a response. People needed to see his hard work; what he had overcome; what he had achieved, so that they could be inspired by him.

Rich reflected on his childhood in the suburbs of Pennsylvania. He had grown up skinny, though not alarmingly so. He had stared longingly at his Lionheart movie poster featuring Jean-Claude Van Damme. The two would often hold eye contact during Rich’s teenage years and Jean-Claude would beckon to him in his thick Belgian accent, “join me, Rich. I, Jean-Claude Van Damme, believe in you. Train hard, and one day we will splash water at each other on the beach in the South of France.” But now he was ripped. And maybe one day through continued diligent training he might become jacked or even swole, though he had moved on from Jean-Claude, who would now be left waiting on those beaches without closure.

“OmarLikesCats has liked your photo.” Rich smiled at his screen, knowing he had touched someone.

By Bartow Weiss