Dear Raphael Bob-Waksberg, 

My name is Milo and it would be great if you could help me break into Hollywood as a comedy writer. I am a very nice person with over 1000 followers on Instagram and have seen almost every episode of Frasier. My favorite episode is the Ski-Lodge and my least favorite are the ones that focus on Bulldog. I know it may be presumptuous to ask for help, but my mom went to high school with your mom and they recently spoke and agreed it was a good idea for you to talk to me about how to make it in Hollywood, which I interpreted as helping me find a job. 

I’ll be honest, I have never seen BoJack Horseman or Undone and decided not to watch them before writing you since they are out of production and therefore are of no use to me. I hear they’re good though! Congrats, dude! Do you have any TV shows that are currently in production that you could staff me on to write? I was an editor at my college newspaper and wrote a Home Improvement spec script for a creative writing class there that I think is really good. It revolves around Tim’s youngest son, Taran Noah Smith, starting a relationship with a woman twice his age who tricks him into making an unwise investment in a medicinal marijuana company. Tim has to get him out of the contract with the help of Jill and Al Borland. I can send it to you so you can give me notes on it before passing it on to your agent! Your mom said you would be more than happy to do so! 

Thanks for your time and I look forward to working with you,

Milo Paul Gosselaar (Bonnie’s son)


Dear Megan Amran, 

Hello! I hope this message finds you well and that you are still receiving emails from this @harvard.edu address. My name is Milo and my brother John Diamond worked at Harvard at the same time you were enrolled! He is still there doing IT and when I told him I wanted to be a comedy writer he volunteered to give me the email addresses of all the folks on the Lampoon listserv. He’s a great guy and very encouraging of my dreams. 

While I didn’t myself attend Harvard I figured you would like to help me become a successful comedy writer because of this shared Crimson connection. Us Ivy League people need to stick together and I would truly appreciate you connecting me to someone who runs the Simpsons. Don’t get me wrong, I think you’re great on Twitter and all, but if this is going to happen I need to get to the people at the very top and they were at Harvard before email addresses. 

Truly yours, 

Milo Paul Gosselaar (John’s brother)


Dear Mark Paul Gosselaar, 

This is awkward, but I am your son and badly need your help getting a job writing comedy for television. My mother, Bonnie, was part of NBC’s accounting team during the College Years and I believe the two of you met and became intimate during an NBC sponsored retreat in San Luis Obispo. She is the one who encouraged me to reach out to you and sends her best.  

I am a huge fan of the show Mixed-ish which you star and would like a job writing for the show. As you are Dutch and my mother’s family is German, I feel like I have the insights required to write about a mixed-race experience. I was also a huge fan of Franklin and Bash and would also appreciate an introduction to Breckin Meyer who I think could get me a job writing for Robot Chicken. 

Thanks dad and I love you, 

Milo Paul Gosselaar (your son)


Dear Mario Lopez, 

This is awkward, but I am your son and badly need your help getting a job writing comedy for television. My mother, Bonnie, was part of NBC’s accounting team during the College Years and I believe the two of you met and became intimate during an NBC sponsored retreat in San Luis Obispo. She is the one who encouraged me to reach out to you and sends her best.  

I am a huge fan of the show Entertainment Tonight and need your help finding me a job writing comedy for television. I know that ET isn’t a “comedy show”, but I figured someone must write the jokes you make about staying in a Marriott or whatever. I also saw that you recently played yourself in an episode of Brooklyn-99 and thought you could also reach out to its producers to see if I could work on that show.

Thanks dad and I love you, 

Milo Lopez (your son)


Dear Dustin Diamond, 

This is awkward, but I am your son and badly need your help getting a job writing comedy for television. My mother, Bonnie, was part of NBC’s accounting team during the College Years and I believe the two of you met and became intimate during an NBC sponsored retreat in San Luis Obispo. She is the one who encouraged me to reach out to tell you that you owe her 28-years of child support and if you do not pay then she is going to take you back to court. 

Thanks and I was wondering if you had a direct line for Mark Paul Gosselaar, he has not been returning my emails. 

Milo Diamond (your son)

Guest Editorial by Richard Burr, Republican Senator from North Carolina

As the Chair of the Senate’s intelligence community, I know first hand how dangerous a challenge Covid-19 has been for our country and our economy. But just because a global, worldwide economic depression is at our door doesn’t mean we should be passive! There are plenty of things you can do to manage your financial portfolio so long as you have the foresight, financial capital, and access to classified information weeks before the rest of the Country. 

Corona Money Tip 1: Do your research! 

Sound money management is all about research! One thing you should know about the free market is it reacts to large, worldwide events in a very predictable manner. So the trick is simply knowing when those big events will occur. In this case, information that the U.S. economy would crash was out there if you knew where to find it: In classified briefings given to select members of the U.S. Senators. 

Now, I’ve been seeing a lot of complaining from the Fake News media that it is somehow “unfair” for Senators like me to use information obtained in classified briefings for their financial profit, and while it might technically be “illegal”, my position is what was I supposed to do with the knowledge that the economy was going to collapse? Warn my constituents? No. Sell off my hotel stocks? Yes! 

Corona Money Tip 2: Sell stocks that represent the things we loved about our old way of life

When I was a boy growing up in North Carolina I knew a man who did maintenance on my daddy’s cotton farm, his name was N***** John. You know, maybe that wasn’t his name but just what my daddy used to call him. Anyway, N***** John would save all his money so he could leave the farm for a week every three years to go see his wife and kids in Barbados. It was through N***, let’s just call him John since I don’t want to stir up the P.C. police–It was through John that I learned the value in investing in airlines and aerospace companies. As I grew up I realized that lots of poor people work solely to allow them to experience little moments of happiness such as going to a restaurant at the end of the week or staying in a hotel on vacation. It’s pathetic when you think about it, but is a valuable insight into how to manage your portfolio. 

When you learn (See Corona Money Tip 1) that a viral outbreak will prevent people like John and other poor folk from traveling or going to sit down restaurants like Red Robin or Chili’s or leaving their homes, it’s time to sell-off your position in all of the industries that give people joy! 

Corona Money Tip 3: Invest in companies that do well in a quarantine

The economy isn’t all bad though! With everyone stuck inside or dying in a hospital, there is plenty of opportunities to invest in companies like Netflix or medical supply companies that make masks and ventilators. I got a hunch (see Tip 1 again) that ventilator manufacturers will see a great ROI this year. Other areas of growth are telework companies, toilet paper and bleach, liquor, and pornography. 

Corona Money Tip 4Brush off the haters

I became a Senator because I wanted to help my constituents. And there is no better way of helping the public through an economic depression than ensuring the status of your own economic security. That’s how trickle-down economics works.

But not everyone will be happy for me and my colleagues for reading the very obvious signs shared with us in secret intelligence hearings about the impending economic collapse. I’m sad to say that some disgusting people will suggest that those of us who have profiteered off of our position in government and this crisis should be arrested or tarred and feathered or shamed or hanged or worse, forced to clawback our profits. But you should do your best to ignore those democrats and poor people because you have an obligation to you and your family to make as much money as humanly possible no matter the consequences or the ethics of it. That’s America, and that’s why I love her. 

By Richard Burr (R) Sen-NC. 

Grocery stores can’t stock enough toilet paper. The CDC has announced hospitals are running dangerously low on masks. And now, amidst the COVID-19 pandemic, the Writers Guild of America (WGA) has announced its own nationwide shortage on reasons why you haven’t finished your pilot yet.

On Tuesday, the WGA released this statement: “With so many writers furloughed from their day jobs, bars where networking events are held being closed, and how boring it is to brainstorm with your writing partner over Skype, we have an unprecedented dearth of reasons why the nation’s writers haven’t been able to finish their scripts. We ask for your support on behalf of all writers during this difficult time of uncertainty around the novel coronavirus.”

Hours after this statement was released, a record number of computer files titled “Coronavirus” intended to be novels were created. As of Thursday evening, fewer than 7% of those files have been opened a second time.

Michelle Crown, a WGA employee who wished to remain anonymous, told The Avocado “We’re trying to help by manufacturing new explanations, but it’s difficult when writers have so much free time. So far, all we’ve got is ‘actually falling ill,’ and ‘the anxiety surrounding this pandemic is paralyzing’,” said Ms. Crown, admitting she was in charge of coming up with additional excuses but ended up just binging Love Is Blind all night instead.

“Typically, I’m too busy to write as much as I’d like, so right now it’s… I mean, it’s hard to do all the outlining when I have to go to…” stuttered Daniel Easton, screenwriter by day and server by night. Mr. Easton was let go from his serving job on March 15th. His comedy pilot, however, titled Coming of (Los) Age-eles about five roommates in their twenties trying to “make it” in the entertainment industry, loosely based on his own life experience, has not been worked on at all since.

“A lot goes into the creative process before you even start a script!” Mr. Easton insisted when asked why he has not started on his pilot. He was unable to provide specifics as to what those things might be.

Prominent WGA member Aaron Sorkin talked to The Avocado about the WGA’s excuse shortage. “Well, when writing any pilot, you start by doing a lot of research into law and politics, so there are still some reasons why pilots aren’t getting written,” the noted political writer said. Upon hearing this, a flurry of people came within six feet of us, seemingly desperate for Mr. Sorkin’s blessing to turn their lead characters into lawyers with hearts of gold, and politicians with hearts of gold, and Mark Zuckerbergs. None of these clamoring writers seemed concerned about contracting COVID-19, with one woman, Jessica Ward, being heard saying “Getting sick is the only real reason for me to not be writing” as she licked a nearby door handle.

The Avocado followed up with Ms. Ward a few days later who reported that although she still wasn’t sick, she had gotten distracted from her research by re-watching The West Wing. “But,” she said, “I’m almost at the point in season 5 when Rob Lowe leaves the show, and then I’ll stop being distracted, and THEN I am going to write something really killer!”

The average reader of this publication has at least one idea for a pilot sitting in a file somewhere on their computer. You have this article open instead of working on that idea. But, then again, so do I.

The Avocado emailed prolific writer Tyler Perry for comment on the WGA’s statement and the inability of many writers to use this time off to be productive, but the television and feature film writer deleted it believing it to be a GoFundMe page for his out of work PAs.

By Emma Lieberman

Instagram

Twitter

“The Upright Citizens Brigade is like a family,” said 28-year-old improv teacher and Podcast host Jeremy Reynolds shortly before finding out he would be fired immediately without severance. “No, that can’t be right? UCB wouldn’t just not pay us during the middle of a crisis,” said Mr. Reynolds of the theater he has paid over $2,500 to for improv classes and performs at twice a week for free. “What happened to ‘I got your back?'”

As the world grips with the economic fallout from Coronavirus and the Nation’s improvisers struggle to steal each other’s jokes on Twitter and practice their character work on Instagram live, many are looking to UCB’s founders, Matt Walsh, Ian Roberts, Matt Besser, and particularly Amy Poehler who is fucking loaded, to provide a cushion to, if not the hundreds of UCB performers who work for free, than at least UCB’s staff who relies on the theater for their weed and livelihood .

“I literally can’t do anything else!” said Jeremy Reynolds when faced with the thought of buying food and paying rent without a job. “No one is going to hire me to teach them improv on the internet and I don’t even know when I would be able to now that I’ve taken on a full-time quarantine podcasting schedule.”

The Avocado braved the quarantine to seek comment at UCB’s Franklin location, but no one was there. As I walked back to my car I was intercepted by a Scientologist from the Celebrity Center across the street where I was told all about Dianetics and how it protects against the spread of the virus. As I sat with Diane, a 48-year-old Scientologist leader and learned about her religion, I told her about the story I was working on.

“That’s horrible! They make so much money, they should really help their staff at a time of worldwide crisis,” Diane told me before asking me to sign a billion-year contract pledging my fealty to the Church and its late-founder L. Ron Hubbard.

Editor’s Note: Because of capitalism, a GoFundMe to help UCB’s staff has been set up.

Editor’s Updated Note: My agent just saw the post, fired me, and told me I would never work in comedy again. Accordignly, a GoFundMe to help myself will be set up shortly.

Disney is reportedly considering a separate “adult-themed” streaming service called “Disney After Dark,” which will feature more mature content, including the 20th Century Fox catalog of R-rated content, as well as a variety of hardcore pornographic options. 

We knew early on that we wanted Disney Plus to be strictly for families and didn’t want it to include R-rated films,” said CEO Bob Iger. “But when we purchased 20th Century Fox last year, we also acquired cinematic classics that were not well suited for our main platform and its core audience of childless 30-somethings watching Darkwing Duck and thinking about a time before Trump. We think it’s time there was an outlet available for only another $6.99 a month to watch our more mature intellectual property.” 

The Disney after Dark brand will include 20th Century Fox owned classics like All About Eve, mature action comedies like Deadpool, and a wide variety of hardcore and kink fetish porn made available through Disney’s recent acquisition of internet pornography website Pornhub. 

When asked why Disney decided to acquire Pornhub, Mr. Iger said it was part of Disney’s long-term goal of “owning all the companies.”

“At Disney, we believe in being innovative, and we think entering the smut business is key to our future success,” said Iger, who noted that a 30-something could only watch Darkwing Duck for so long before getting bored and needing to masturbate. “The show was made for 10-year-olds, it can’t realistically sustain an adult’s attention for more than, honestly, about half an episode. We want to make sure that when our Disney Plus customers leave our platform to seek out more mature content, they don’t go to a competitor.”

The Avocado spoke to Harlan Palmer, a 34-year-old graphic designer and self-prescribed Disney fanatic who spent the day binging Disney classics from his youth in between visits to Pornhub. “I guess you can say I’m Disney obsessed,” said Mr. Palmer before watching the first 10 minutes of Alice in Wonderland, getting bored, and pulling out his laptop.

The Avocado spoke to a chain smoking Netflix executive about Disney’s strategy: “I think it’s brilliant. People love nostalgia and porn,” he said as an assistant handed him a printout of the number of users who canceled their accounts in the last two weeks. As he sat there contemplating what Disney’s entry into the streaming world means for Netflix, he muttered something about “remember how good Orange Is the New Black used to be” before asking us to leave the room so he can “check out the competition.” 

Madison Alquarashi does not understand why there is not a cure for Coronavirus yet. “We pay a lot of money in taxes and expect the government to protect its citizens,” said the 33-year-old Santa Monica mother of four. “We want a cure now! And not one of those cures that causes Autism like those other vaccines the government tries to push down our throat.” 

During a phone interview with the Avocado, Ms. Alquarashi explained her frustration at the world-wide pandemic and the inconvenience of staying at home with her kids now that she won’t let her nanny, Esmerelda, in the house anymore. “Esmerelda is a lovely person, but let’s be honest, she lives in Reseda and I don’t want whatever she is picking up on the bus around my children during this pandemic,” explained Ms. Alquarashi, who said she takes social distancing very seriously. “I’ve been very vigilant about staying at home with my kids all day, except for the one pilates class I go to in the afternoon which is really like medically essential in my opinion.”

When asked about the possibility of remaining socially isolated for several months, Ms. Alquarashi expressed frustration that the government has not yet found a cure for Coronavirus. “The government needs to find a cure for this thing fast! I can’t just not go to yoga for three months,” she explained, adding that a Coronavirus treatment is especially important since her family has a history of serious health issues. 

“My children are all immunocompromised and have a history of contracting measles, mumps, and rubella,” explained Ms. Alquarash as she dabbed a cold compress on her youngest, Nathanial’s forehead. “Contracting coronavirus could be really dangerous for them so we need a cure fast,” she pleaded. “And I better not read online when it does come out that it causes autism, in which case I am not giving it to my children.” 

This article is dedicated to the memory of Nathanial Alquarashi. 

With CW’s Riverdale production being halted, A Quiet Place 2 being postponed, and our favorite talk shows airing with little to no audience, it seems the COVID-19 pandemic has put all of Hollywood on hold. Now, this grim new reality has hit one of America’s most beloved reality singing shows: The Masked Singer.

The Fox Broadcasting Company released the following statement: “At this time, we are sad to announce that due to a worldwide shortage of masks, we will be suspending production on The Masked Singer. It was not an easy decision to make, but we must place our priorities on the health of our contestants first. We send our best wishes to Nicholas Scott Cannon during this trying time.”

A reliable source, wishing to stay anonymous in fear of not being able to collect severance or sick pay (which is, somehow, still not guaranteed by federal law) came to The Avocado to give additional insight into this latest closure.

“It’s not common knowledge to the public, but most of our masks are only used once per show, and we make duplicates for as long as the contestant is in the show. It’s an extreme health hazard for our masks not to be single-use, not to mention disgusting.”

When asked why not just disinfect and reuse the masks, our source revealed that “The Fox Company doesn’t believe in recycling, so all past masked are thrown into the Fox Furnace underground in Television City. And with this pandemic, all mask material from other markets have run dry, halting all production of future masks. We only reuse the masks that are given for our least favorite guests such as Ninja or Sarah Palin.”

There have also been rumors that behind-the-scenes cast and crew actually resorted to stealing masks during the panic. Apparently, even before the global outbreak, five-finger snatching of the fabulous iconic masks was common place.

Music artist and last year’s winner of The Masked Singer T-Pain reflected on the shows mask-stealing past:

“I feel for them. Back when I was on the show, we had to hide the masks from the cleanup crew –  and this was before any sign of a viral apocalypse. Howie Mandel stole three masks from costuming, and he ain’t never even been on the show!”

Show judge and former doctor Ken Jeong offered his medical insight on the matter:

“To those who keep on hoarding our masks, listen to me: I’m an actual doctor. They don’t work, they’ve never worked. Most of our viewers know who the singer is by the second verse, and I have to act dumb to stretch this thing out. So do you really think it’s going to stop a virus? NO! Stop buying our masks. I really need this job.”

Fox also announced that the show Lego Masters will continue as scheduled. Contestants, however, will be required to build wearing hazmat suits and using bleached bricks until further notice.

By JP Siruno

Twitter: @JPSiruno
 IG: @JPSiruno

It’s a daily heartache: I’ m on the 405 when all of a sudden I am stopped behind a line of cars also trying to merge onto the 101. Here is my daily routine on how to cope with the stress of Los Angeles freeway traffic:

  1. Work on my novel. Well, not work on it, per se, but think of the plot as I scroll through my Instagram. How long have I been writing it? I guess off and on for 6 years but it’s coming along. No, I haven’t written anything, but I have it all in my head. I just need to find the time to get it all out.
  2. Have an existential crisis. What does it say about me that I still haven’t finished my novel? I’m such a fraud. Maybe I deserve to be stuck in traffic every morning since I haven’t made good use of my time anyway. I should look up some authors and see how old they were when they finished their first novel. Shit. Even Kurt Vonnegut was younger than I am now. I shouldn’t put too much pressure on myself though, we’re all going to die at some point so what does it really matter if I write a novel at all? Could it be that I haven’t written anything significant because if I do and it turns out bad then I can’t think of myself a writer anymore? 
  3. Listen to Joe Rogan’s podcast, sort of agree with something he says, then turn it off and listen to a Malcolm Gladwell audiobook instead. I have to get out of my head. A video of Tulsi Gabbard on the Joe Rogan show is suggested for me and I put it on even though I know she is a Russian agent. Wait, why does what she is saying sound reasonable? Am I a Russian agent too? I just laughed at Joe Rogan calling teenagers “snowflakes.” I have to turn this off…
  4. Text co-worker that I am at work and looking for parking. That’s better. Malcolm Gladwell always puts me in a better mood anyway. Shit, Dante is asking where I am. I’ll just say I’m looking for parking. It’s not a lie if I don’t think too much about it.
  5. Look up my high school girlfriend on Facebook, see that she recently had a baby and wonder what my life would be like if I had gone to school in Chicago with her and we tried to stay together. The traffic hasn’t moved in a while and something Malcolm Gladwell said about connecting to strangers reminded me of something Jennifer said to me senior year. I haven’t thought about her since she moved away so I decided to look her up on Facebook and see that she is married and just gave birth to twins. As I inch forward in my car, I wonder whether she is happy. She looks happy. Would I be happy if that was me in those pictures? What’s the harm in friending her?
  6. Have a conversation with my wife about what we should do about dinner, struggle to make a decision, then tell her I’m just parking and have to go. Shit, Beth is calling to ask what we should do for dinner. That’s all we pretty much talk about now. I tell her I have to go because I’m about to park. Fuck it, I’ll friend Jennifer. I mean, we are friends, after all.
  7. Listen to a 45-minute YouTube review about the newest Star Wars movie which I never saw but can tell you why it was terrible. I’ll be honest, Malcolm Gladwell is kind of boring and I feel like I have heard enough to be able to say I read the book. Jesus Christ, how have I still not moved? I’m just going to cut some of the line. As I fly by a quarter-mile of cars, I see a brief opening for me to slide my car in. I don’t know why this lady in a Prius is beeping at me, if she knew how long I have been waiting she’d just let me in. I earned it.  
  8. Get very angry at the person trying to cut in line ahead of me even though I just cut about 100 cars. Who does this jerk think he is trying to cut ahead of me in line. Don’t beep at me, we live in a society! Uch, fine I’ll let him in line. Asshole. 
  9. Wonder if in 20 years they’ll re-gender-swap High Fidelity and what happened to the Lawrence Brothers. I can’t believe I spent the entire weekend watching the new High Fidelity show and didn’t even attempt to work on my novel. The show wasn’t even good. Or maybe it was. I find it difficult to form my own opinion about media and haven’t watched any YouTube reviews on the show yet. I guess I kind of liked it, although did it need to be made with a black woman? What does it say about me that I am even questioning it? Am I upset because at one point I so deeply identified with John Cusack’s character from the original and feel that remaking it through a different perspective means part of my self-identification is lost or because swapping gender and race without really tackling the experience of gender or race seems exploitative and opportunistic? Also, whatever happened to the Lawrence Brothers? 
  10. Laugh at all those suckers still waiting behind me as I finally merge onto the 101. I spend two hours a day in traffic which means that over 20 years at this job I will spend 10,000 hours sitting in traffic to go to a job I don’t like. Malcolm Gladwell said in an audiobook I listened to a bit of that it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert in something and I wonder what skills I could develop if I didn’t have to make this commute every day. Maybe I would finally finish my novel? Maybe I could be a better husband? Maybe I would learn French or get in shape or learn to meditate? Or maybe I would do nothing important with the time at all. 

As the cars in front of me finally start to onramp the 101, the thoughts and insecurities about what I am doing with my life and how time seems to be moving faster and faster wash away. ‘Too much self-reflection is dangerous’ I think to myself as I roll down my window and take a breath of the cool California air. As the sun kisses my elbow, I turn on KROQ and listen to whatever Sublime song they are playing right now and realize, for a minute, that maybe life isn’t so bad. It’s not perfect, but not so bad. 

Saturday Night Live has been the gold standard for American comedy for over 40 years and, as a funny and inexperienced comedy writer, is the type of national platform that you should write for. Unless they don’t want you. In that case, SNL hasn’t been good for between 15 and 35 years, depending on your age, and you wouldn’t be caught dead writing there. 

As either a future SNL writer or someone who would never work for that show even if they paid me millions of dollars, here is a 10 point plan for getting hired to write for Saturday Night Live or, alternatively, crafting the perfect tweet about how you would never want to.

Step 1: Be Obsessed With Saturday Night Live Your Entire Life

SNL isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but whether you want to be hired as a writer or tweet @Michael Che about how terrible it’s become, you must watch the show every week. Having a deep knowledge of SNL’s history will help you understand the sensibilities of the show should you be lucky enough to get hired. It will also give you plenty of materials to cite as examples of how the show used to be so much better in the more likely event that you are not hired.  

Step 2: Have An Inflated Sense Of Your Own Talent 

It takes an inflated ego to watch a show that has been a bedrock of popular culture since Gerald Ford was in office and think to yourself that you could do that. But who knows? A. Whitney Brown was too but a man with a dream at one point. But before you commit yourself to submitting a packet of original materials to the show to be judged and potentially mocked, consider the possibility, however remote, that you aren’t funny. 

Take a breath.

Think about it.

Are you really funny or do you just like comedy? When you are around a group of people do they laugh at your jokes or just smile and say “that’s funny” when you make a sarcastic comment or reference The Office? Being funny is hard, but liking comedy is easy. So if, upon deep and devastating personal reflection, you decide that maybe being a professional comedy writer isn’t for you, treat yourself to the consolation prize of Tweeting @ColinJost and telling him that he’s no A. Whitney Brown and never will be. 

Step 3: Prepare A Packet Of Original Material 

Fuck Step 2 and all the haters, you know you are funny and it has been your dream to write for Saturday Night Live since you were a kid. Great, now all you have to do is send them a packet of 3 to 5 sketches. How hard could that be? Just sit at your laptop and let the hilarious ideas start flowing… 

Step 4: Struggle To Come Up With One Original Idea You Unfunny Fuck

It’s been 6 hours since you started work on your sketches but all you have written so far are the words “Pearl Ham” and a rough outline of a sketch involving President Trump learning his son Baron is dating Greta Thunberg. You delete what little you have, knowing that Baron is off-limits, and as you stare deep into the reflective glow of your laptop screen you question your self-worth. As has happened at least a dozen times since you started working on this packet you mindlessly pull out your phone to swipe through Instagram where you see the smiling faces of all of those SNL phonies that you follow living the life you deserve to be living if only you could focus enough to put together something as hilarious as you assumed you could write before you tried. 

After realizing you’ve now scrolled through two years of Beck Bennet’s Instagram photos, you throw your phone across the room and focus back on your laptop. The ideas are in your head and all you need to do is clear your mind and let them flow. You are a funny person and SNL should be glad to have you. It isn’t even that good anymore, so you could definitely get on if only it weren’t such a goddamn bureaucracy old boys club probably. You place your hands back on your keyboard but then almost preternaturally navigate to Pornhub in your browser and spend the next 35 minutes opening adult movies in new tabs, the vast majority of which you never get to before you finish

After cleaning yourself up and taking a quick nap you realize you spent nearly 10 hours on the SNL packet and still have nothing to show for it besides “Pearl Ham” which the more you think about seems unlikely to lead anywhere. At this point, the Klonopin has started to take effect and the near non-stop buzzing of your boss texting you to find out why you didn’t show up for your shift at the hospital has become white noise. “Will anyone ever really love you?” you ask yourself as you tearfully delete “Pearl Ham” and then immediately type it out again. Maybe it could be something?

Step 5: Mail In Your Packet To Saturday Night Live and Wait!

SNL gets hundreds of thousands of submissions by white bearded guys like you every year, so if you don’t hear back from them right away assume that they hated what you submitted and start tweeting about how much you loathe the show. Mention how you thought it was horrible that SNL allowed Donald Trump to host when he was running for President and say something outlandish to prove your point like that it would be like if Hitler went on Mad TV and was in a sketch where he ordered Stewart to invade Poland and Stewart did his “I Don’t Wanna” line. 

Step 6: Holy Shit They Want To Meet You?

It’s been three months since you sent SNL your packet and in that time you have grown steadily obsessed with the cast and writing staff and have sent out thousands of tweets and direct messages letting them know that they are all no A. Whitney Browns and that the show sucks! As you sit at your laptop and discover that Kyle Mooney has blocked yet another of your fucking usernames you get an email alert from a Page at NBC asking to schedule an interview for a writing position at SNL. 

As you read, and then re-read the email, you feel like you’ve entered a fugue state. This could really be it. You start to remember how much the show meant to you when you were growing up and think about what an amazing honor it would be to be part of the same show that launched the careers of Brooks Wheelan and Gilda Radner. You cry and spend the rest of the night deleting all your Twitter accounts and thinking about how much your life is about to change. 

Step 7: Impress The The Head Writers

The bad news is you’re going to have to quit your job and leave your family to move to New York, but as soon as you step into 30 Rock you know it will be worth it. This is where you belong, and assuming they don’t find out you stole most of your packet from sketch examples you found on Twitter or that you have spent the last three months cyberbullying SNL’s cast and writing staff, as well as a few costume designers you found on Instagram, this will be your new home. 

As you sit nervously in a large conference room waiting for Michael Che and Colin Jost to show up, you try your best to compose yourself but the opportunity is frankly too overwhelming. You steal a pen from the desk. It doesn’t even have “SNL” on it. It’s just a BIC, but you take it anyway. As you shove a few loose legal-size notepads into your messenger bag the door opens. 

It’s Colin Jost. And Michael Che. And a Jewish looking fellow who you don’t recognize. And for the next hour, you tell them about yourself and how much Saturday Night Live means to you and how this has always been a dream and what an honor it is just to be in the building. Collin and the Jewish guy say they feel the same way. Michael was texting with someone as you went on for maybe a little too long but is sort of nodding his head so maybe he feels the same way too? He’s sort of hard to read.  

After an hour or so of discussing comedy, they thank you for coming and you leave the building. As the brisk air hits your face you call your mom and tell her how well it went and that you’re never going back home. “Are you sure this is what you want to do? Why don’t you wait until they actually offer you the job?” she asks, but you are sure this is the right move. You text your boss at the hospital and tell her that UCLA Medical Center can find a new head of osteopathic surgery, thank you very much. Your wife and children are upset to learn you’re moving across the country, but you have a dream and who are those cunts to tell you that all you’ll ever be is a husband and father just because you’re their husband and father. 

Step 8: Realize You Made A Huge Mistake

It’s been three weeks since your interview and you think it’s kind of rude that no one from SNL has gotten back to you about when you’ll be starting. “They could have really used me,” you think to yourself as you watch tonight’s episode from the new apartment you rented only a block away from the studio. As the episode draws to an end you sit alone and think about how much you miss your children and wife and wonder if this was all worth it. You know it wasn’t. You call Sheila up to tell her that you want her back, but she tells you it’s too late. You hear a man’s voice in the background. You ask to talk to the kids but she says no. “You made your decision, Judah,” she tells you as she hangs up. 

Step 9: Confront Those Hypocrites At Saturday Night Live Who Wouldn’t Know Talent If A. Whitney Brown Were Standing Right In Front Of Them

What have you done, you stupid fuck? You had it all and gave it all up to write for Saturday Night Live who doesn’t even want you. But why would they? Why would anybody want you?

You don’t know why, but you run out of your apartment to 30 Rock and get in a line of about two dozen teenagers (Harry Styles was tonight’s musical guest) waiting by the building’s exit for an autograph or picture. You don’t have a plan and the young girls waiting in line with you are not interested in small talk and are making you feel like a creep. Bitches.

At around 2:00 AM you spot the Jewish guy from your interview leaving the building. “Hey! Menasha!” you yell out. He turns around and walks over. “Hey…what are you doing here? Did you want to meet Harry Styles?” 

It’s such a simple question but you struggle to answer it. “No, I don’t care about Harry Styles. Did I get the job?” you ask bluntly. He is very polite about it, but lets you know that you didn’t. 

“But why?” you ask, mouth quivering as the reality that you upended so much of your life for this blown chance sets in.

“Because you plagiarized all of your sketches from the Internet,” he says. 

“That’s not true! The Pearl Ham was mine! Give me another chance,” you beg. 

“And we know you were harassing Kyle Mooney and some of the girls from wardrobe on social media.”  You try to explain, but it’s no use. “Good luck, Dr. Goran. I have to go.” 

Step 10: Tweet About How Much SNL Sucks

It will take several months to convince your wife to take you back, but eventually, she will. Things won’t be the same, but you both think it’s best for the kids to have a two-parent household. 

As you reflect on your ill-fated comedy career and imagine all of the things that might have been, you realize this was all for the best. 

That first Saturday back home you stay up late to watch SNL. You had never heard of the host or musical guest and most of the jokes and references did nothing but make you feel old and like the world had some how moved on without you. You felt the Pearl Spam sketch was inspired though.  As the show’s iconic theme plays at its end, your wife comes downstairs. Your relationship with her is still fragile, but she gets warmer toward you with each passing day. She asks you if you are coming to bed soon. 

“Just give me a minute,” you tell her and she gives you a kiss that is so sweet and loving that you realize how lucky you are to still have her in your life. 

As you watch her ascend the steps to the second floor, you log on to Twitter and tweet:

What’s the point of living in LA if you’re not going to be friends with celebrities? In this series, The Avocado provides tips for approaching the sort-of famous person you see at shul without coming off like a total kibitzer.

Celebrity: David Wain

What You Know Him From? David Wain is a comedy legend known by many Jews in their 30s and 40s for The State, Wainy Days, Stella, and Wet Hot American Summer.

What Does Your Mom Know Him From? Probably nothing, right? Ma, you haven’t seen Wet Hot, right? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Um, well he has a new show called Medical Police that just came out on Netflix, but you probably haven’t seen that either. You have? Already? Netflix recommended it because you watched New Girl? You know, I think he directed a few episodes of that so I guess that makes sense.

Where You Will Meet: Beit Shecter Conservative Temple in Valley Village on the Purim, the 14th day of Adar. He’ll be at a breakfast spread casually listening to Rabbi Greenville read the story of a botched genocide against the Jews in ancient Persia from the Megillah. Fun!

Wait, Are You Sure That’s David Wain?: One of the difficulties of running into David Wain in public is being absolutely sure it’s him. I mean, why would he be at a Purim service anyway? Is he that religious? Maybe it’s just a different balding Jew listening to the Rabbi’s lecture by the buffet and taking more than his fair share of the whitefish?

How To Figure Out Whether That’s David Wain: In most circumstances, there is literally no way of determining whether someone is David Wain or not. But lucky for you, you’ve run into him at a temple which provides you a good opening and the necessary time to confirm his identity.

Walk up to the spread of food he is standing by and casually say “this is pretty good whitefish,” almost as if talking to yourself. He’ll smile, but will say defensively “I wouldn’t really know, I haven’t had too much of it,” which is a lie. At this point, say “I want to dip my balls in it!” quoting that famous catchphrase from The State to gauge his reaction. He’ll again smile politely and say something like “it’s not that good,” which is a pretty funny line but doesn’t really confirm that this is David Wain.

Still unsure of whether you are talking to your comedic hero, you decide to just ask:

“Your name is David, right?” He’ll say it is, but does so as a dozen other slight-framed balding men gathered around the whitefish also volunteer that their names are David too. 

“You went to summer camp growing up, right?” you’ll ask, but the same dozen Davids also confirm that they went to summer camps too. After several minutes of you and the Davids running through the various Alan Cohens and Ben Golds you knew at Camp Ramah and what they are up to now, you turn back to who you think might be David Wain to ask if he went to NYU. He says yes, but then the other Davids all also say that they went to NYU too, except for one who went to Columbia and thinks he is better than everyone because of it. As you ponder your next move and contemplate whether there is a subtle way of confirming David Wain’s existence, he turns to you.

“Look, I know what you’re doing,” he says.

“You do?”

“Yeah, but let’s not do this here. Meet me in the teen room after the Parsha and we can get into this,” he said and walks away. For the next 15 minutes, you listen as Rabbi Greenville talks passionately about the lessons to be learned from anti-semitism and how generations of Judaic resilience should give us confidence in our own survival as a people in what can feel like a fractured and hateful world. “It is often said that because the Jews are the chosen people, we are granted an exalted position in the eyes of Hashem. But God’s choice to bestow onto us a great nation means we have the responsibility to make the world a better place through Tikkun Olam. That is the lesson of Purim, that even in the face of anti-semitism and destruction we must still act with love in our hearts and choose to rebuild the world out rather than accept its destruction.”

As the Rabbi’s words settled in, you wonder whether you have lived with love in your heart. “Did I even know how to love?” you question as you use the bottom half of a bagel chip to scoop up the last of the whitefish. “Fuck it,” you say. “I’m going to go talk to David Wain.”

You make your way out of the temple’s main room and into the BBYO teen room where you’ll find David Wain waiting for you.

“So, you wanted to talk to me?” he asks, casually leaning against a foosball table set up for the teens who meet here after school. “Yeah, I’ve always wanted to meet you,” you say, walking up to him slowly.

“How long have you known about me?” he asks.

“Oh, I don’t even remember the first time I heard about you. It feels like forever.” By this point, you are staring directly into his eyes. He breaths heavy himself, almost as if he were nervous to meet you for some reason. You can smell the whitefish off his breath; it’s sort of gross.

“Is there anything you want to say?” he asks. The directness of the question throws you off. You had thought about what it would be like to meet David Wain since you were a teenager and want to tell him how much he meant to you, but for whatever reason, the admiration manifests itself in you leaning in and kissing David Wain squarely on his lips. You are overwhelmed by the taste of white fish and honestly don’t know what came over you. You’ve never been so embarrassed.

“I’m married,” you’ll say to a shocked David Wain.

“Obviously. So am I” he says back. “So this is what you want? You’ll leave me alone if we do this?”

You don’t understand the question, but before you could figure out what was happening, he grabs you and kisses you. The whole episode takes you off guard and you’re wholly unsure what is going on or how to navigate this situation which felt so alien and gay. “Is this what I want?” you ask yourself. “Is this what Rabbi Greenville meant by letting love into your heart and living life with Tikkun olam?”

“What are we doing here?” you interrupt as David Wain’s hands make their way down the front of your dress pants.

“I don’t know,” he says. “I’ll do whatever you want just let’s get this over with and please don’t tell my wife about Sarah.”

“What do you mean?” you ask. “Sarah is my wife.”

“Yeah, I know, obviously,” he says, his hands starting to explore beneath your tallis. As you continue to be felt up in the youth room of the temple, you struggle to make sense of what is happening. How did David Wain know your wife and what about her did he want to keep from his wife?

“Stop!” you say, pulling back. He is confused and as he waits for you to explain your sudden change of mind, you looked deeply into his eyes and scan his face in a way you had not previously done: This wasn’t David Wain at all, but just a run of the mill Jewish man covered in whitefish.

“You and Sarah had an affair?” you ask the man, whom you later discover is a wedding photographer who sells pre-paid cell phones to Americans traveling to Israel on the side named David Werksman. “Yes. I’m sorry. But please don’t tell my wife about it,” he says. You tell him you won’t and leave David with the voyeuristic teens who watched the entire scene in the BBYO room.

How To Deal With The Discovery That Your Wife Had An Affair With Someone From Temple And, If Possible, How To Relate That Betrayal to The Struggles Of The Jewish People Following The Destruction Of The Second Temple:

After leaving David, you find your wife Sarah with the kids, Menasha and Yael. “Where did you go, we were looking all over for you?” Sarah asks.

“I was…just catching up with someone,” you tell her. As your family and you leave the temple, you watch Sarah and wonder what drove her to have an affair and how, after 15-years together, she could put all you had built at risk. Had you not been there for her? Should you tell her you know? These questions race through your mind as you leave the shul and make your way to your favorite post-shul diner, a place called Art’s in Studio City.

“Someone ate all the whitefish at the Temple,” Sarah complains. “Yeah, I saw the guy who did it. He didn’t seem to mind taking what isn’t his,” you say.

As you sit at the restaurant, you listen to your kids laugh and make jokes with each other and think about how they would be impacted by the divorce. “Penny for your thoughts?” Sarah asks, seeing that something is on your mind. You started to feel anger at what she did to you. “You know, Sarah, it’s not okay–” you began, but are interrupted.

“Holy shit, is that David Wain?” Sarah asks, pointing to a table in the corner of the restaurant. “Honey, you have to go over to him,” she tells you. “He’s your hero.”

As you walk over to the table, you can feel your heart palpitate. Was this some sort of sign? A rainbow in a delicatessen from Hashem that you shouldn’t destroy your marriage? Is it silly to think this is merely a coincidence, or foolish to think that it isn’t?

“Um, excuse me,” you say to David Wain, the real David Wain. 

“Yes?”

“I just wanted to say I’m a big fan,” you tell him.

“Oh, thank you so much,” he smiles before returning to his sandwich.

As you walk back to your table, you lock eyes with Sarah. Maybe there were underlying reasons for her infidelity and it’s possible that the discovery of her betrayal will initiate the beginning of a rough patch in your relationship that you may not be able to weather. But you think it’s worth trying to make it work because, recent revelations notwithstanding, it mostly does work. It’s like Rabbi Greenville told you: It is our duty as the chosen people to build up our world with love in our hearts and to not give in to the impulse, even during the most trying of times, to destroy what we have created. As Jews, we rebuild. That is the meaning of Tikkun Olam. And you want to dip your balls in it.

“How was he? What did he say?” Sarah asks you about finally getting to meet your hero David Wain.

“He was nice,” you tell her. “He was eating a Reuben. I think I’m gonna get one too.”