“We only have a short time on this crazy planet so make sure you spend your time here being kind to the ones you love,” were the last things said by Tom Hanks as he was hermetically sealed into a storage unit in Van Nuys until the start of the next award season. 

The Avocado talked to David Rubin, President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, about the process of preserving Tom Hanks during awards off-season. “Tom is one of the last great movie stars left who isn’t a Scientologist or otherwise plagued by scandal. We are doing everything in our power to make sure he is around forever.”

I asked to speak to Mr. Hanks but was told it would not be possible. “Mr. Hanks needs his rest,” we were informed before being escorted out of the building. “But what about his family? What does he eat? Why would Tom Hanks agree to live in a storage unit?” I asked, but the response was only “Mr. Hanks needs his rest.” 

Several weeks passed and I forgot about Tom Hanks until I watched part of League of Their Own on a flight and was taken aback by how good of an actor he is. I wondered what he was doing right now and became concerned that he was somehow being manipulated or taken advantage of by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. As soon as I landed at LAX, I took a shuttle to the Uber lot, waited 40 minutes for a ride, and then went to the Van Nuys storage facility where Tom Hanks was being stored.

By the time I arrived, it was night and I attempted to scale the facility’s perimeter wall. I had asked my girlfriend Molly to join me as she was a hostess at Bubba Gump Shrimp and also had a history of breaking and entering. “Wait, you idiot!” she called out at me. “There’s a security camera at 10:00. We should come in through the side.” 

After making our way over the wall, Molly used her raw sexuality to trick a guard into giving us access to the inner vaults and then a lock pick to enter the corridor Mr. Hanks was being kept.

“OK, I think this is it,” she told me. “You go in first.” As I turned to open the door, she stopped me.

“Wait,” said Molly, trembling before leaning in to kiss me more passionately than I ever had been kissed before. “What was that for?” I asked, to which she just smiled and said: “Just in case something happens in there…”

As I stared at her I saw a fear grow in her eyes. “What’s the matter? What could happen in there?” But before she could answer, Tom Hanks’s unit opened.

“You just couldn’t leave well enough alone,” said a voice I recognized. “I’ll take it from here. Thank you, Molly.” It was the Academy’s President. He was holding a gun.

I turned to Molly. “What’s going on?” I asked but she said nothing. As she ran out of the room, she said she was sorry and had no choice.

“I told you that Mr. Hanks needed his rest,” said the Academy President. “Where is he?” I asked before noticing the multi-Oscar and probably BAFTA-winning actor suspended nude in a liquid chamber. “What have you done to him?” I asked, but as I did I felt two sets of powerful arms grab me. I turned and it was Tom Hanks. Two of them. 

“The world needs Tom Hanks,” said the President. “So we keep him safe here and use his genetic materials to clone new Tom Hankses which we let act and send overseas to do Sake commercials. Say hello Toms,” the President said to the Toms at my shoulder.

“I know this probably sounds like just the craziest thing on Platen Earth but this is what’s best for everyone, sport. What would the world do without Tom Hanks?” said one of the Tom Hanks clones. His voice was so soothing and he exuded such a warm avuncular charm that I didn’t even think too much of the logic of it all. 

“So, you understand why we must keep Tom like this, right?” the President said pointing to the naked floatee original Tom Hanks. “Yeah…I guess I do” I started before I heard a scream. It was Molly running back through the door with a spade she used to knock the two Tom Hanks clones out. 

“Molly! What have you done!” called the Academy President. “That clone was supposed to voice Robert J. Oppenheimer in the next Pixar film!” 

“This is evil! I won’t be part of this anymore!” screamed Molly. Without warning, I heard the gun blast. 

“Molly! Molly! Can you hear me? You’ll be okay” I said but I knew it was a lie. As I stared deep into her eyes I saw the life leave. “I love you,” I told her. “I’ve always loved you.” 

As we kissed one last time I felt her lips grow cold. “There are others,” she said. “Be sure to tell them too,” she said before growing limp.

“Stupid girl,” said the President. “She could have been anything she wanted with the information she had,” he said but I didn’t wait to find out what he meant. I rushed him with Molly’s shovel. As I did he fired a bullet toward me which missed. With all my might and in a blind range I knocked the man down and into the cylindrical unit holding the suspended naked body of Tom Hanks.

As the unit toppled, amniotic gel oozed out and Tom Hanks started to open his eyes. “What’s going on here? Can’t a guy get any rest?” he chuckled as he picked himself off of the floor. God, how can he always be so charming?

“Mr. Hanks, I’m so terribly sorry. This reporter and that waitress from Bubba Gump did this. I’m so sorry–” 

“Dave, it’s fine, let me handle this,” said Tom Hanks, covered in ooze and still naked. As he turned to me, I felt like I was the only person in the entire world.

“Hi, I’m Tom,” he said. I couldn’t help but look down at his dick. “It’s okay, I was once in a steam room with Jack Lemmon and snuck a peak too. Human nature.” He was just so disarming. “Anyway, you need to leave and can’t tell anyone about all of this, pal. You know that, right?” 

“So you want to be cloned and suspended in a tube?” I asked. “Want to? It was my idea! Look, the world is a dangerous place and that’s all fine and well for someone like you. But I’m Tom Hanks and people need me around. I show men how to grow older gracefully and we can’t leave that type of influence to the chances of a cruel world. So the clones go out and act. I come out for awards season cause that’s fun. “You haven’t seen ME act since probably Road to Perdition,” he laughed. I told him I hadn’t seen that. “Catch Me If You Can?” he asked. I nodded. “That was me. All the rest are just these clones. That one on the floor who your friend killed played Walt Disney in Saving Mr. Banks, but it’s okay we’ll make another one. Tom Hanks will be around forever.”

“I can’t just forget about it. He killed Molly! I loved her and he killed–” 

“That wasn’t Molly,” interrupted David Rubin. “Not the real Molly anyway.” 

“What do you mean? Who was she?” I asked. 

“Molly was just a person we needed to make sure the technology was safe,” said Tom Hanks. “She was a waitress at one of our Bubba Gump Shrimps and seemed…expendable? I know that sounds bad, but you get it. She’s a little rough around the edges. The real Molly is still in one of the other units.”

“I’ll keep quiet if you give me back the real Molly,” I demanded. Tom Hanks nodded. “Fine, take her out. I can stay in her unit until mine is fixed! Thank’s a lot guy,” he said but then smiled to show he was just messing with me. God, he really is charming. 

David Rubin and Tom Hanks walked me through a long hall of units filled with some of the world most beloved stars: Merryl Streep, The Rock, Billy Murray, Reese Witherspoon, David Hyde Pierce among hundreds of other celebrities we look up to as examples of how to live a better life.

“Here she is,” said David as he pressed a button and Molly’s unit started to drain. As it did I saw her lifeless body start to slowly awaken. 

“Molly! Molly!” I called as she fell to the floor. “Molly, you’re safe now. I love you. I’ve always loved–“

“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!” she screamed. 

“It’s me. We’re in love–” 

“She doesn’t know who you are,” said David Rubin.

“What, I don’t understand–” I cried as the real Molly pushed back.

“The Molly you knew was a clone, kid. This Molly has none of her memories. You’re a stranger to her,” said Tom Hanks. “Alright, so you too love birds get out of here, I need to hibernate so they can make some new clones since somebody,” he winked at the still confused Molly, “killed two of my other clones and destroyed my chamber.” 

Molly and I were escorted out of the unit. “We did love each other,” I told her after we finally made it outside. I reached out my hand for her to take. 

She took my hand and stared in my eyes as if looking for something to recognize. After a moment she pulled it away again. “But that wasn’t me,” she said as she turned to walk away. 

TRUMP BAD! Yawn, right? This is the type of headline you could find on The Borowitz Report — in fact, you might find it on there later. Anyway, Trump is a dumpster and he is in India today visiting their Taj Mahal and his own Trump Taj Mahal casino went bankrupt a few years ago, and putting together those facts was very clever of me and will be clever of The New Yorker later today when they do it. Yada yada yada.

But what I really want to talk about is the band The Band. They’re probably best known as being Dylan’s touring band after he went electric, but they were an incredible group in their own right and uniquely featured five absolute musical geniuses who shared songwriting, singing, and multi-instrumental duties. I saw a documentary about them over the weekend that was told primarily through an interview with their de facto leader Robbie Robertson. It was good and featured amazing live performances of the group, but was ultimately so focused on Robertson (who produced it) and his “leadership” within the group that it didn’t give viewers a real understanding of what made The Band so dynamic: That there were no weak links in the band. That each member was as important as the next.

I keep thinking about the documentary and am bothered because it’s an attempt by Robertson to tell a one-sided story about the group that steals away the stories and contributions of his (now mostly dead) bandmates. It is a film that only benefits his legacy and his ability to profit off of The Band’s catalog in the same transparent way the Queen movie hid all of the things that made Freddie Mercury interesting in order to market Queen to the next generation.

Maybe this all isn’t a bad thing because the story of The Band as told by Robbie Robertson and the story of Queen as told by its remaining members is certainly more accessible and friendly than the reality. But also maybe it is bad. Very bad. History is told by the winners, and Robertson and the Queen fellows won by living long enough to tell an uncontradicted story about their groups that transforms their complicated stories into blemish-free marketing tools for their brands.

Donald Trump is the President, but is also a brand who has demonstrated a willingness to portray an image of himself as President or populist or businessman that we know has no connection to reality. So what is there to do to make sure the history of Trump’s atrocities — the children in cages, the anti-democratic corruption, the xenophobia– does not get sanded over with time? If history is written by the winners — and Trump uncontrovertibly keeps winning — are we destined to take our kids to Donald J. Trump elementary schools in the future? Not if we commit ourselves to remember what is happening and what this feels like now. This is an instance where us losers need to be the ones that ultimately tell his story.

The Los Angeles Department of Transporation (LADOT) announced today that it has plans to create a bumpered “texting lane” along the I-10 and 101 Expressways.

“This is a necessary step we must take as a community to ensure public safety,” said LADOT spokesman Damien Gazelle, noting that educational campaigns about the dangers of texting while driving have failed to curb the ubiquitous behavior.

“Our roads are filled with millennials raised in front of a cellphone screen. We cannot realistically expect these young drivers not to text and drive,” said Mr Gazelle. “The bumpered texting lane is our attempt to mitigate the dangers of texting while driving and is a plan that we believe will save thousands of lives.”

LADOT says it has entered into a memorandum of understanding with a national road consultant to draft plans for installing bumpers along the side of the left lane of the I-10 and 101, an improvement expected to cost Los Angeles upwards of $200 million dollars. The department says it has already started to assess the viability of installing additional texting lanes on other LA thoroughfares.

Sixteen-year-old Harvard Westlake student Kelsey Hansford said she supported the new lane, admitting that she has already been in eight minor traffic accidents caused by phone-related inattentiveness since receiving her S-Class Mercedes at her Sweet-Sixteen party last February. The young driver noted, however, that “only old people text” and questioned whether the lanes could also be used for drivers “shooting TikToks” or “Instagramming cute traffic pics.” She also noted that she was “not distracted” as evidenced by her Adderall prescription.

The Avocado reached out to the LAPD to ask whether the texting lanes would also be available to drivers who were making TikTok videos, Instagramming, or watching Quibi. After questioning whether anyone will ever actually watch Quibi, a local law enforcement officer then advised The Avocado that highway officers will have quite a lot of discretion about who can or cannot use the new lanes, and noted that individual decisions will likely come down to the officer’s mood and the driver’s race.

When Dexter Holland, Ph.D arrived in Los Angeles for his niece’s wedding last Thursday, he did what he always does when he is in the City of Angels: tune into KROQ to check out the newest alternative and hard rock music exciting today’s youth. Instead, all he heard was several songs that he recorded as the lead singer of the band The Offspring in the early 90s followed by nothing but Sublime and the Red Hot Chili Peppers tracks.

“It was so strange because KROQ was playing the same songs I remember hearing them play in the 90s. At first I thought I had entered a time hole that took me back to 1996, but then they played Mr. Brightside by The Killers three times in a row and knew I had to at least be in 2004,” said Dr. Holland, who ultimately learned that he was still in 2020 after looking at a mirror and observing the ravages of time. “Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the airplay, and I guess I shouldn’t complain because I have a mortgage, but does anyone really need to hear “Pretty Fly For a White Guy” again?”

The Avocado called KROQ for comment, but after dialing into their line twenty times in a row we were unable to reach anyone in their programming department. We did, however, win two tickets to see Social Distortion at the House of Blues, which I guess is pretty cool.

Lawyers for Presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg have reportedly been insisting that the 19.7 million people who watched last night’s Democratic debate sign non-disclosure agreements promising to never mention the debate, Mayor Bloomberg’s performance, or the phrase “horse-faced lesbians” in perpetuity under threat of litigation. 

In exchange for signing the NDA, Bloomberg will give each of the nearly 20 million debate watchers $500, an amount of money 60% of the U.S. population do not currently have in savings. The total cost of paying every debate watcher $500 is 10 billion dollars, an astronomical amount of money that would still leave Mayor Bloomberg with 53 billion dollars to buy our democracy. Mayor Bloomberg insists that entering into a non-disclosure agreement is completely voluntary, but admitted that those who refuse to sign will be subjected to frivolous litigation and financially bankrupted. 

The Avocado planned to ask Mr. Bloomberg about the fallout from his poor debate performance, but decided to take the money in light of our crippling student debt and medical expenses, neither of which will be helped under a Bloomberg oligarcy Presidency. 

This article is sponsored by Michael Bloomberg for President. Click here to learn more about how Michael Bloomberg will give you $200 if you don’t mention that he’s a terrible choice to be president! #ILikeMike’sMoney. 

Get out of here, hot girls and Koreans! America’s newest obsession: Old Jews! With Michael Bloomberg and Bernie Sanders trending in the polls we have officially entered #OldJewSummer! 

Editors Note: We told the Bloomberg campaign that it’s not summer, but they told us it didn’t matter and that their internal polling suggested that #OldJewSummer could trend. 

“We’re back, baby! said that old Jew, Mel Brooks during his fourth meal of the day at Canters. “Every time I turn on my TV it’s either Bloomberg or Bernie or Larry David or Alan Alda,” said Brooks. We told him that Alan Alda is not actually Jewish, but the legendary comedian was unconvinced. “You reach a certain age and live in New York long enough you’re basically Jewish.” 

Editors Note: The Bloomberg campaign told us that they would be willing to pay Alan Alda to convert to Judaism if it polls well. The Avocado reached out to Alan Alda for comment, but he was out getting a nosh at Katz’s. 

But not everyone is thrilled that it’s #OldJewSummer: Presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg, who is neither old nor Jewish, expressed concerns that both Bernie Sanders and Michael Bloomberg were maybe a little too old to be President. “I mean, I wouldn’t even feel comfortable having a 78-year-old drive my Uber, let alone be President of the United States.” 

“I find Mr. Buttigieg’s comments distasteful and basically racist,” said Senator Sanders who despite having a heart attack earlier this year insists that he can still be President and drive at night. “My thought is that Mayor Pete should just sit back and wait 40-years to run for President until he is my age.”

The Avocado asked Mr. Bloomberg to respond to similar criticisms that he is also so fucking old, but he could not immidiately be reached for comment. 

Editors Note: Mr. Bloomberg said in a comment after publication that he agrees with Mr. Buttigieg that Bernie Sanders is too old to be President. When asked how he could say that given he is the same age, Mr. Bloomberg explained that since 1993 he has received blood transfusions from New York’s forgotten youth. “I have the blood of homeless children pulsing through my body and am ready to be President,” said Bloomberg before taking a quick nap in his hyperbaric chamber.  

#OldJewSummer is expected to last until November when it will be followed by four more years of Old Fat Racist Piece Of Garbage Is Still In The White House Summer. 

“Uh, the Sandman is a-very much excited to bring his classic Billy Madison character to the Great White Way, a-shoobidy doobidy,” said Adam Sandler in his signature mutter. The adaptation of Mr. Sandler’s 1995 comedy follows Mean Girls, Mrs. Doubtfire, Groundhogs Day, 13 Going on 30, Tootsie, Spiderman, Beetlejuice, A Jimmy Buffet song, Legally Blonde, and the Pirates of Penzance as the latest example of a popular but unrespected piece of intellectual property being turned into a Broadway musical. 

The Avocado spoke to the play’s Tony Award viewing producer Dolores Goodegg about the process of turning Billy Madison into a musical. 

“My agent told me that a group of financiers wanted to invest in a musical and asked if I knew of any existing IP that would appeal to tourists and that also could be tied into a dinner, skeeball, and a show promotion at Dave and Buster’s Time Square location. I was initially dismissive of the idea and said something like ‘Oh yeah right, like Billy Madison: The Musical?‘, but my agent said ‘Oh yeah, I think that would actually work’ and asked if I was interested in producing it. I was.'” 

The musical will tell the story of a privileged man’s exploration of America’s corrupt educational system and feature 11 original songs by Avenue Q’s Robert Lopez as well as adaptations of the film’s original songs “Do You Have Any More Gum” and “So Hot, Want To Touch The Heinie.” 

Previews have already sold out and the excitement for the adaptation has led to plans to adapt other Sandler properties including Happy Gilmore, The Water Boy, and Punch Drunk Love (but as a play, gross). 

When asked to comment on seeing his work so well received by the theater world, Sandler said he honestly didn’t expect to make this much money in his life. “They just keep throwing it at me, I mean, I don’t even know what to do with it all at this point. Spade is gonna be so pissed.” 

“Hey, did you hear they’re making Billy Madison a musical on Broadway?” asked Billy Madison co-star Norm MacDonald to his agent. “Do you think they would want to turn Dirty Work into a musical too?” 

“No,” said Norm’s agent instinctively. “Actually, maybe in a few years with the way things are going.” 

“Capitalism is an evil system that incentivizes people to steal from one another and we plan on destroying it during our upcoming tour,” said Rage Against The Machine frontman Zach De La Rocha. Tickets for the tour, which is sponsored by Kia, are on sale now with seats starting at $300 and VIP Meet & Greet packages available for purchase for Citi Preferred Members. 

The tour marks the first time Rage Against the Machine has toured together in over a decade, a reunion guitarist Tom Morello says is necessary given the state of our world.

“There is such a fucked up divide among those with money and power and those without that we are seeing poor, mostly brown and black people, totally shut off from being able to access important resources,” said Morello, adding “It isn’t reasonable for most people to spend $300 on concert tickets. That’s why it’s so important that we reunite and spread our message of anti-consumerism, sponsored by Kia.” 

The Avocado asked the band to comment on the hypocrisy of charging a cost-prohibitive amount of money to play songs about the fight against economic inequality, but was chastised by the group’s unnamed bass player for being misleading and stealing the headline of this article from a small Mennonite-focused website called The Daily Bonnet.

“You literally stole this headline and you call us hypocrites?” he said as he walked toward his Tesla. “This is exactly what’s wrong with capitalism! It incentivizes artists to act without integrity so they can wring out every ounce of money or gain attention without regard for how that behavior impacts the world. You aren’t even taking a stance against us since we already announced we are trying to prevent scalpers from making tickets too expensive and will be donating money made above face value to local charities.”

“Yeah, that sounds like a reasonable retort against my joke–”

“–that you stole” corrected Rage‘s bass player.

“Against my joke that I stole. I’m sorry, I really am a big fan. I just felt the need to post something this morning,” I said, but he had already driven off.

Rage Against The Machine’s “Killing In The Name Of Great Milage Sponsored By Kia” tour kicks off in El Paso on March 26.