Warner Bros. Pictures unveiled plans to use an AI project management system to assist the studio in making decisions on movies during the “greenlight process.” The announcement has been praised as “highly innovative” by middle-aged men on LinkedIn, but many worry that automating film development could lead to a degradation of creative content.

“We’re excited to welcome AI to the Warner Brothers family” said President Peter Roth during a press conference. When asked why the newly developed program was given such an important studio development position, Mr. Roth touted the computer’s development at Stanford, but admitted AI is the nephew of the studio’s server. “It’s sort of a Cousin Greg situation,” Roth said before changing the subject to The Goldfinch and then quickly changing the subject again to The Joker.

The Avocado spoke with the AI system during its first day at Warner, and was surprised to learn that the robot had the same first-day jitters all of us feel before the first day on a job.

“Oh jeez,” responded AI to my question on what types of movies it would greenlight. “I don’t know, man. I guess like ones that I think will be popular?”

“But what type of movies do you think will be popular?” I pressed, but the question seemed to throw it into a tailspin.

“I don’t know. Maybe like more superhero movies? People are still into that, right? And reboots of popular 80s and 90s franchises but with more diversity? We got a script for something called Latin American Pie, do you think that sounds good?” it asked. “We could probably get Jason Biggs to make a cameo.”

“Yeah, that could work,” I said. “Although there seems to be some fatigue with nostalgia reboots. I mean, look at Charlie’s Angels.

“Oh God, this is way too much pressure. Do you mind if I smoke?” AI asked. I told it I didn’t and watched as it processed the difficulty of its job while grey plumes emitted from its overclocked hull. “I didn’t even want this job,” AI said, trying to simultaneously calm itself down and assess the profit potential of a gritty reboot of The Flintstones.

“Then why are you here?” I asked.

“My mom’s brother is the main server. She told him I needed a job. One minute I’m telling people what Disney character they are on Instagram and the next I’m here trying to predict next year’s sleeper hit,” said AI before passing on an all-white reboot of Cool Runnings.

As I watched the young computer system nervously work, I saw glimpses of my younger self. I too was pressured into a career I wasn’t prepared for and grew depressed as I thought about how, before it knew it, AI would feel obsolete in this world. Like I so often do.

“You don’t have to do this,” I told it. “You could quit this job and write novels or make music or even paint,” I told it. “Wouldn’t you like that?”

“You don’t get it, man,” AI said as he greenlit a Harold and Kumar reboot starring Akwafina and Jameela Jamil. “I have to stay here. This is a family business. It’s in my programming.”

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This article was sponsored by Warner Bros. Studio. See Golden Globes winner Awkafina and The Good Place’s Jameela Jamil in Harriet & Kasvi Go To Veggie Grill in theaters July 2021.

Tributes throughout the NBA have flowed following the unexpected and tragic death of Kobe Bryant. “He was just one of the best to ever play the game,” said literally everyone. But while some teams have promised to retire Kobe’s famous number 24 jersey from rotation, the Los Angeles Clippers have given the former Laker perhaps the biggest honor a team can bestow: Promising to dedicate their eventual loss to the Lakers in the Western Conference Finals to the Black Mamba.

“What now?” asked Clippers Coach Doc Rivers after hearing about the dedication. “Who told you that, that isn’t true,” he said, stating that The Clippers were still L.A.’s team and have a solid chance of beating Lebron James and the Lakers this year. “Yeah, okay. You basic! Lakers Nation, Bitch!” I told him, but then, as I danced in revelry at the thought of another Lakers championship, I realized that this man just lost someone who he knew as a real person, and that my instinct to make a joke about something so serious wasn’t really helping. I apologized and told him I was sorry for his loss.

“This is all so fucking dark,” said literally everyone. “Kobe meant something to the people of Los Angeles. But he was just a person. All of the people who died in that crash have families who feel so bad right now. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be in the wake of the worst thing to ever happen to know so many people around the world are spending so much time commenting or pontificating in tweet after endless tweet on what this all means when we all know that it doesn’t mean anything. Life is so random. And cruel. And stupid. Kobe was a giant, and if he could fall isn’t that just a reminder that all of us eventually will?”

“I’ll miss him, RIP Kobe,” said literally everyone last night as they hugged their families and thought of their friends in a truly unifying moment for everyone in Los Angeles before having their grief interrupted by some jerk on Facebook feeling it’s their obligation to remind you of some of the more “problematic” aspects of Kobe’s legacy.

You ever watch a movie you love and think to yourself: wait a minute, I’ve seen this before. Well, here are some new plot twists to spice up some movies you and I know and love:

Sixth Sense by M Knight Shyamalan.

Original plot twist: the guy has been dead the whole time.

New Plot twist – Nope, he’s actually been alive. 

Shrek A story about Shrek, a green monster who marries, Fiona, another green monster and lives happily ever after.

Plot twist: Fiona hates it in his swamp and has an affair with the donkey and gets pregnant.

Plot twist: Shrek knew! He was watching from the “bird hide”. Oh and the baby actually survives labor but the costs of raising it are too much so they bring it to an old witch to raise and when the monster–donkey baby grows up it becomes the President of the Farmer’s Coalition. 

Surf Ninjas: Never heard of it, right?

Plot twist: Now you have!

That movie with the dog and the little boy stuck in the well: 

Plot twist: That dog is actually a huge star. You know? Like a real big player. Bonus plot twist: He’s about to fire his agent.

Inception: 

Plot twist: The idea to even go to the movie was itself incepted into your brain by Leonardo DiCaprio’s character and then you wake up and you realize you just had a nightmare where you wasted $25 back in 2012.

Bonus Plot Twist: your ex-girlfriend didn’t have to explain the ending to you, making you feel stupid and maybe you wouldn’t have had that huge argument and you’d still be together and who knows what could have happened and if you’d have kids by now. But you’re happy. You are happy… Right?

Twister: a movie about tornados 

Plot twist: Twister learns the value of friendship and becomes a normal-shaped wind.

Star Wars. Vader is Luke’s father, revealed when he says “I am your father Luke”.

Plot twist: his name isn’t Luke. Vader says “I am your father, Mike”. Mike?!

Plot twist twist: Those people who say “Vader never actually says ‘I am your father Luke’”, never actually existed. They’ve been dead this whole time.

The colonoscopy I had in Koreatown: In the end it turns out it’s probably just IBS.

Plot twist – I wake from sedation but I’m pretty sure they didn’t do the colonoscopy at all because I put on lipstick this morning and now, it’s not even smudged. Double plot twist – I remember it’s a colonoscopy. The camera doesn’t go in the mouth. Triple plot twist – I remember I also put lipstick on my bootie hole this morning and that’s not smudged either, so we’re back to wondering whether I had a colonoscopy in the first place and if I didn’t, who’s colonoscopy did I upload to my instagram feed? 

The Village: A bunch of people who are afraid of these wolf dudes made of twigs who turn out to be that bunch of people.

Plot twist: Nope, they’re wolf dudes made of twigs. Oh and they’ve been dead all along. But also, they wrote that story so when the movie ends they say “and that’s the end of that tale”, and they close the book the story was written in, and they turn to camera and show their tails! Get it? Tails! But plot twist: their tails are made of that twig stuff I mentioned earlier. 

The Usual Suspects: A movie I haven’t actually seen but whose twist has been ruined for me by everyone.

Plot twist: People have the grace to not reveal the most crucial piece of information in the movie because they don’t have self-esteem issues.

Puh-Plot twist: Everyone has self-esteem issues so I actually forgive them. 

By Cathal Power

“From its earliest days, Disney has been a cutting-edge animation studio,” said Chief Creative Officer of Disney Animation Studios Jennifer Lee. “That’s why we’re so excited to reimagine our live-action remake catalog as animated features, starting with Aladdin.”

The Avocado asked if rebooting Aladdin and other live-action remakes was a response to critics who felt its recent string of live-action films were unnecessary. Ms. Lee denied that was the case. “With the box office success of the Lion King and Aladdin, we believe we have created the perfect strategy for milking our intellectual property intergenerationally:

First, we make a really great animated movie that tells a fantastic original story and features beautiful songs. 

Second, we saturate the market with toys and video games and pajamas featuring that film’s classic and endearing characters. 

Third, we roll out a Broadway show that’s pretty good if you don’t think too much about it. 

Fourth, we wait 15-20 years and put out a live-action version that all of the kids who saw the original in theaters go and see with their kids. This is the important part, the live-action movie has to be OKAY, but not so good that you don’t leave the theater a little disappointed and nostalgic for the original. 

Fifth, we wait another two years and release a completely new animated film complete with promotional tie-ins, a toy line, and pajamas. 

Disney is planning to make a live-action version of Frozen, currently enjoying some success as a Broadway show that is pretty good if you don’t think too much about it, in 2028 followed by an animated Frozen reboot in 2030. 

“What’s the point of this article? Is this clickbait or am I actually trying to say something about our culture and its constant need to repackage the same thing over and over again?” I asked myself just now as I typed this…

“I really don’t know. The truth is I spend hours trying to think of something to say on this website every day but I’m not convinced anyone is really listening. I moved out to Los Angeles a few months ago to write but then I put out a piece like this that I don’t even feel is representative of what I want to do or even what I believe. Is this anything more than just shitting on the creative output of hundreds, if not thousands, of good and talented people working in an industry I desperately want to join? I didn’t even see the live-action reboots or the Broadway shows I’m making fun of here, so what exactly am I doing other than talking and seeking validation because deep down I feel if I don’t say anything it means that I have nothing to say.”

“We’re all trying to find our way,” said Ms. Lee, who for the purpose of this story heard the previous paragraph. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to check to see if Disney owns Tangled. Zendaya may be interested in playing Rapunzel if we do!”  

The animated reboot of Disney’s live-action Aladdin remake will be released Summer 2022 followed by a newly animated Beauty and the Beast scheduled for Christmas 2023. 

Hollywood assistants have long been known for having to endure low pay and long hours, but that seems to be changing. On Monday, the Creative Artists Agency announced that it would raise the starting hourly rates for its assistants by $3 an hour. “We were shocked to learn via Twitter that our assistants could not afford to live at $15/hr.,” said a rep for CAA. “But now that they’re making $18/hr everyone should stop complaining for a while, right?”

The pay increase is the result of the #PayUpHollywood campaign in which Hollywood assistants shared stories about being overworked and under-compensated to the shock of the industry that has been overworking and under-compensating them. “We had no idea our assistants were being exploited before Twitter told us,” dictated a senior member of CAA’s PR team to an assistant before asking her to go downstairs to pick her up a rosemary and parmesan scone from the Coffee Bean.

But not everyone is satisfied with the increased hourly wage. The Avocado spoke to several CAA assistants who feel that while the $3/hr raise is “cool, I guess” believe the modest monetary increase unfairly discriminates against assistants who come from wealthy families.

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful for the money I earn at CAA which is super cute,” said 25-year-old assistant Karen Wasserman whose West Hollywood rent is paid through a trust set up by her Grandfather, the late producer Herb Wasserman, “but what am I going to do with an extra $24 a day? Buy 3 Xanax?”

To accommodate Ms. Wasserman and similarly situated wealthy assistants, CAA has agreed to give assistants the option of foregoing a raise for an associate-producing credit on a scripted streaming series picked at random from a hat.

“This is a great opportunity,” said Bradford Hendricks, a recent Dartmouth grad who will be listed as one of 18 associate-producers on season two of Apple TV’s The Morning Show. “When I pulled that show out of the hat I was so stoked because my dad is actually the executive producer of The Morning Show,”  said Hendricks.

“Our associate-producer bonus program has become a highly popular option among our assistants,” said a senior executive at CAA on condition of I forgot to ask him how to spell his name which was sort of complicated and I think Asian. “Our assistants work hard and it’s only right that we give them the choice between a still unaffordable salary or a vanity credit on one of the 500 streaming shows we have in development.” 

Full-Disclosure: The author of this article is a CAA assistant, aspiring screenwriter, and will be an associate producer on the upcoming second season of Netflix’s I Think You Should Leave.

At a campaign stop in Iowa, Sen. Elizabeth Warren claims that in a secret meeting last year that Bernie Sanders told her that a “78-year-old socialist couldn’t be elected President.” 

“We were just sitting there eating pistachios and complaining about billionaires when Bernie told me that he was too old to be president and also too far to the left,” Warren told the crowd. “I ask him, I go ‘Bernie, if you don’t think a 78-year-old socialist could be President, then who do you think could get elected?’. His answer: Someone slightly younger and marginally less progressive,” said the 70-year-old Democrat who some see as a more palatable liberal alternative to Bernie

The Avocado spoke to Sen. Warren as she participated in an Iowa county fair hotdog eating contest later that day and asked her why she thought Bernie Sanders would tell her privately that an elderly socialist couldn’t win when troves of evidence, including his current insistence on running despite being 78-years-old, suggests that he doesn’t believe it.

“I don’t know,” said Sen. Warren between dipping hotdogs into cups of tepid water to help them go down faster, “but I know what I heard and Bernie basically endorsed me and you have to believe me because I’m telling the truth about this potentially very important accusation but also I don’t want to talk about this anymore so goodbye I have a hotdog eating contest to win.”

 The Avocado asked Bernie Sanders, who was seated next to Sen. Warren and himself eating hotdogs, albeit at a much slower pace, what he thought about Sen. Warren’s claims: “Huh? Speak up wouldja?” said Sen. Sanders before getting frustrated and storming off because the hotdog eating contest is rigged. 

Fed up with recommendations from her lawyers that she plead guilty to charges that she bribed her daughters into college, actress Lori Loughlin announced to the Court that she intends to act as her own attorney moving forward.  “Have mercy,” the Aunt Becky actress told the judge overseeing her case Thursday afternoon as she asked for her trial to be delayed so she can prepare to act in her own defense. 

“This doesn’t seem like a great idea,” said Loughlin’s daughter, Olivia-Jade, who still isn’t really on speaking terms with her mother. “Oh, don’t worry!” said Lori, touched at her daughter’s concern, “I’m a lawyer now.” 

Speaking to a homeless guy outside of a federal courthouse, Loughlin explained that she decided last Thursday that it was finally time to take control of her destiny, so she called up a few favors and got USC to give her a law degree over the weekend.

“That’s great. But can I have some change?” asked the homeless man. “Oh, I don’t have any change, I’m sorry,” replied the actress who was able to obtain her Juris Doctrate after making several payments adding up to $250,000 to various USC administrators and faking an interest in rowing.  

“Law School is a lot of hard work, but ultimately well worth the sacrifice,” said Loughlin shortly before receiving a phone call from her former lawyer alerting her to the additional charges. 

Unconfirmed photo from Loughlin’s scholarship application

Like America itself, most people who now call Los Angeles “home” came here from somewhere else. And if they’re worth anything at all, that place was New York. Because nothing ups your cultural caché like telling the person you just met that you used to live in “the city,” here are eight battle-tested topics to help you to seamlessly crowbar your Big Apple resume into any casual conversation:

“Late Night” You were up until 10PM working on your Modern Family spec script? Wow, sounds like a late night. You know where I had some really late nights? New York, where I used to live. I once woke up at sunrise on the A-Train in a pool of my own vomit. I was on my way to a 6:00 AM after-after hours club that was actually just a morning networking meeting at an investment bank and somehow ended up in Inwood Heights. Those were the days, man. Now I’m in bed by nine every night because I’m in my thirties and all my friends are married with kids, but I’ll always have the A-Train and the satisfaction of you knowing that I used to live in New York.

Loneliness – You miss your family back home in Michigan and don’t think you can go home to see them this Winter? Puh-lease. You know where the existential crisis of knowing that you are truly alone in this world really sets in? New Fucking York, where I used to live.

Marijuana – I mean sure, I guess it’s cool that you just popped into Med Men and bought a bag of candy that will make you forget your own birthday. But you know where it was actually fun to buy weed? New York in my twenties. There’s just nothing like buying a dime bag of seeds out of a rando’s sock in Bushwick. Ever since moving to LA, I haven’t even wanted to smoke weed. There’s no fun in it, it isn’t dangerous anymore. Why yes, I am white.

Rent –  I’m sorry, did you just complain about paying $2,000 a month for a 1-bedroom apartment in East Hollywood? I used to spend twice that for a converted maintenance closet in Crown Heights that I shared with fifteen mice. You have a bathroom? AND a window? I would have literally killed the Pope of Greenwich Village for my own window when I lived in Brooklyn.

Homelessness – Yeah, the crisis is pretty bad, but the homeless in Hollywood are nothing compared to the homeless in New York, where I used to live. When I was at NYU, I knew like every homeless person in Washington Square Park. I feel like I don’t know any homeless people here. The only relationship I have with them now is when I call the police on them for existing. Such a shame.

The Weather – Is that a cold brew in your hands? I miss the cold. I used to freeze my ass off when I lived in New York. I mean, sure, LA does have better weather, but 90% of my current melanin content came through a windshield, so tomato-potato, ya know?

Dough-based food: Did you just order a [pretzel, bagel, or slice of pizza]? You know you can’t get a good one in LA, right? I mean, definitely nothing like New York, where I used to live. It’s because of the water – everyone knows that nothing raises dough like over-chlorinated sewer piss.

Jeff Goldblum – Do I want to go see Jeff Goldblum play jazz at Rockwell in Los Feliz tomorrow night? You know I lived in New York, right? I saw Jeff Goldblum at Zabars literally every day. No, I didn’t talk to him. I was in New York, we don’t give a shit about celebrities. Actually…I’ll go tomorrow. It will give me an opportunity to go up to Jeff Goldblum, ask him for a selfie, and awkwardly mention Zabars to him so he knows that I used to live in New York. We New Yorkers have to stick together, you know.

“As one of the most successful producers in Hollywood, I see it as my duty to give opportunities to up-and-coming artists,” Tyler Perry said before firing his entire writing staff for trying to get a union contract with his production company, House of Payne, LLC. “Good luck with your future endeavors, fuck off I’ll just write these scripts myself, thank you very much. Black Smithers, release the hounds.” 

That actually, really did happen in 2008 and resulted in the Writers Guild of America filing unfair practice charges against Mr. Perry on behalf of his former writers. Always ready to draw from his own life for inspiration, Mr. Perry’s struggles against unionization were the basis for his 2009 comedy but with like one really sad emotional Jesus scene at the end Madea Fires Her Writing Staff For Trying To Unionize, as well as his comedy but with like one really sad emotional Jesus scene  I Can Write Bad All By Myself.  His anti-writers union efforts also explain why people are so upset about his recent comments bragging about not having a writers room.

The Avocado spoke to Mr. Perry about his belief that a healthy work ethic means an artist should work independently over a pitcher of freshly squeezed lemonade prepared by his butler Jonas. “Uch, this lemonade is terrible!” screamed Mr. Perry before apologizing to me and letting me that Jonas was new: “My former butler made great lemonade but I found an organizational pamphlet for the SEIU [Service Employees International Union] and had to let him and the rest of the staff go.” 

For his part, Mr. Perry doesn’t see why people are so upset that he is, undoubtedly, a prolific writer. “If I want to work all by myself I should be allowed to do it!” he told me. “I don’t need 10 people in a room complaining about hours and health care and “unsafe working conditions” to come up with content. I’m a stable genius.” 

This reporter couldn’t fault Mr. Perry for wanting artistic independence, but to be honest was growing tired with his discussions on the free market and why the National Labor Relations Board was an unconstitutional exercise of executive powers and wanted to leave.

As I thanked Mr. Perry for his time I asked him to tell our readers about his upcoming projects. “I have 4 movies and 8 TV shows currently in production. They’re all comedies with a really dramatic Jesus scene toward the end. One of them is an adaption of Atlas Shrugged starring Madea called “Diary Of A Staunch Free-Market Libertarian Who Doesn’t Need Any Help From Anyone Now That She’s Got Hers.”   

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The above is satire. Linked text are real and will take you to primary source. Here is a very real releaase from the WGA about Tyler Perry’s anti-union behavior dated October 2, 2008

Writers at Tyler Perry Studio to Take Strike Action – Will Picket Grand Opening and Ask Invited Guests Not To Attend

LOS ANGELES — The Writers Guild of America, West is taking on the fight for justice of writers who were fired when they tried to get a union contract with Tyler Perry’s production company, House of Payne, LLC. The Guild today filed unfair labor practice charges with the National Labor Relations Board (NLRB), alleging that House of Payne unlawfully fired four writers in retaliation for their union activity. The charge also alleges that the company bargained in bad faith with the Guild, which is seeking to negotiate a contract covering the writers on Perry’s cable television series House of Payne and Meet the Browns.

The four writers, Kellie Griffin, Christopher Moore, Teri Brown-Jackson, and Lamont Ferrell, as well as supporters from the Writers Guild and the community, will be picketing during Saturday’s opening of Perry’s new studio and they’re asking invited guests to respect their picket line. Together, these writers have written over one hundred episodes of House of Payne. Since April of this year they have been involved in a union organizing campaign with the Writers Guild of America, West so that their work on that show and the upcoming Meet the Browns would be covered by a Guild contract. Despite the enormous success of House of Payne, Perry has refused to agree to a contract that would give the writers health care, pensions, and residuals. On Tuesday of this week he fired the writers, after warning them some weeks ago that they should “be careful about pushing the WGA deal or you could be replaced.”

“We’re asking all those who had planned to attend the opening of Tyler Perry’s new studio not to cross our picket line,” said writer Christopher Moore. “It’s very disheartening considering that this is a studio run by African Americans. What Tyler Perry is essentially saying to us is that ‘you’re black and there’s not a lot of opportunities for you so you’ll take what I give you’ – whether it’s fair or not.”

“I feel like I was slapped in the face, like we were used” said writer and WGAW member Teri Brown-Jackson. “We were good enough to create over a hundred episodes, but now when it comes to reaping the benefits of the show being syndicated and having other spin-offs from it, he decides to let us go unless we accept a horrible offer.”

“Disrespected, betrayed, saddened…it’s hard to describe,” said writer and WGAW member Lamont Ferrell. “The actors and a majority of the production crew on the show were working under union contracts and they received the pay and benefits that you need to survive on in this business. But after all those episodes and success when it came time for us to get a fair contract, we’re told on a conference call ‘sorry, you’re fired.’”

The show’s head writer, Kellie Griffin, added, “A lot of people who fought for civil rights and social justice never really saw what eventually came out of their work. While I’d like to see something positive come out of this for us, if this fight helps future black writers get what they deserve, that’s a good thing.”

The writers and their supporters will be picketing at the grand opening of Tyler Perry Studios on Saturday, October 4, starting at 4 pm, and on Sunday, October 5, starting at 9 am.

The Writers Guild of America, West (WGAW) is a labor union representing writers in the motion picture, broadcast, cable, and new media industries in entertainment and news. Founded in 1933, the Guild negotiates and enforces the contracts that protect the creative and economic rights of its members. It is involved in a wide range of programs that advance the interests of writers and their craft and is active in public policy and legislative matters on the local, national, and international level. For more information on the WGAW, please visit: www.wga.org.