Non-union screenwriter Darren Forsyth is offering script consultation and coverage services to aspiring writers. The cost is $500 per script review, which he insists is “industry standard” and “a small price to pay if you are serious about getting better at your craft.”

Mr. Forsyth, who has never “sold” a screenplay in the traditional sense, is a frequent, unpaid contributor to the Huffington Post and the /r/screenwriting group on Reddit and sees his services as an important part in your growth as an artist.

“Having a neutral reader give feedback on your work is an essential step toward getting better at your craft,” said Mr. Forsyth, who has applied to many prestigious writing competitions that wouldn’t know good writing if it bit them in the ass. “I’ve been a screenwriter for twelve years and have myself paid tens-of-thousands of dollars for script consultants and writing workshops, so I know firsthand how valuable something like this can be.”

When asked sheepishly by a prospective client that just moved to L.A. to pursue her own screenwriting career what made him qualified to charge money considering his lack of professional success, the 37-year-old scoffed and muttered something about “paying your dues” before telling the young girl that he has watched several YouTube videos reviewing Aaron Sorkin’s Masterclass and that he was once in an improv class with Damien Chazelle in 2007 and “still has his number somewhere.”

“It’s a lot of money, I don’t know…” said the prospective student to which Mr. Forsyth responded “If you’re not serious about your craft then don’t waste my time!” before immediately offering to lower his rate to “well what can you pay?” since he really needs the money.

Jeremy Ireland has been a vegan for going on two years. “I feel better, I’ve lost weight, and I am no longer contributing to the environmental harm caused by the cattle industry,” said the 27-year-old process server who will still eat a double-double or two when coming home from the bar with his dudes.

The Avocado met up with Ireland at a Hollywood In-N-Out where he explained that, despite being a vegan, there is “nothing better than a couple of burgers after leaving a bar.” When asked why he didn’t opt for a meatless burger option, a very drunk Ireland justified his decision as mostly an economic one. “Bro, I just spent $18 a drink at a bar. Impossible Burgers are like $15 minimum at every restaurant and low key make my burps taste like dog food. I’m not a Kardashian, sometimes you just need a $3 In-N-Out burger, so fucking sue me.”

Ireland, whom I just met that evening, immediately apologized for lashing out and then sloppily told me how much he loved me before biting into a double-double and moaning so loudly at how good it tastes that every former film student in the restaurant replied “I’ll have what he’s having!” in unison, all thinking they were being so goddamn clever.

The Avocado spoke with Ireland the next morning about whether he still identifies as a vegan after his late-night In-N-Out indulgence. “Oh for sure, veganism is the only diet that makes sense from both an ethical and biological standpoint, I mean, have you seen Forks Over Knives?” When questioned about the hypocrisy of eating burgers while professing to be a vegan, Ireland was unphased, arguing “I was drunk, so it didn’t count,” a response so logically problematic that we decided it was best we leave.

We reached out to In-N-Out’s corporate office and learned that a large part of their revenue stems from intoxicated vegans and vegetarians going against their belief systems. When asked whether In-N-Out would consider providing meatless alternatives to its customers, the representative informed us that there is a 40-minute wait at every Los Angeles drive-through no matter what time of day and that the company didn’t feel it needed to accommodate what it viewed as “fringe lifestyle choices” before asking me whether I had chosen Jesus as my personal Lord and savor.

With rents and housing prices soaring ever higher across Los Angeles County, how do local millionaires afford to live here? The Avocado set out to find out by talking to Angelinos with absurd income levels about how they make life in L.A. work for them.

Johnathan Schwartzbaum, 31.

Job: Johnathan (or “Jono”) doesn’t have a “job” per se, but he does hold an advisory position for his family’s real estate development firm that allows him to draw a modest annual salary and holds some profit-making passive interests in a few businesses that his financial adviser Gerald suggested. He is also the “CFO” and seeking funding for an app called “Ball Harder” that allows people to purchase courtside tickets.

Salary: $4,200,000 ($252,000 salary from his family’s business, around $180,000 yearly from investments, and $3,750,000 from a trust account started by his grandfather Ezekial Schwartzbaum).

What brought you to L.A. I was raised here. My grandfather Ezekial came to Los Angeles in the 1940’s from Syracuse and began buying property with a small business loan of $10 million dollars from his father around Sunset and Laurel Canyon and by the La Brea tar pits. It was a pretty modest operation, only netting a few million dollars a year until the 1980’s when they helped a few mid-size drug trafficking rings embezzle their profits through some of our properties.

What makes you want to stay? L.A. is an exciting place, but it can also sometimes be sort of a drag.  I usually spend the summers here, but prefer N.Y. or Paris in the spring. I love Miami during the winter. Except when I go skiing. Then it’s Breckenridge.

Which neighborhood do you live in? Do you rent or own? In LA only? I guess I live primarily in  Santa Monica. I also have a small 2-bedroom apartment downtown, but I am hardly there. My parents have a, I guess you would call it a “compound,” on the water in Malibu, which I sometimes stay at. I also technically own an apartment complex in Silverlake and a few in the ghetto part of the Valley, but those are only investment properties and I try not to go to those neighborhoods too often.

What are you saving for right now? Right now my brother and I are part-owners of a Gulfstream. I’d like to eventually have my own since we sometimes run into scheduling conflicts and one of us is forced to charter, which, you know, defeats the purpose of owning your own Gulfstream in the first place and looks bad.

When you’re not working, what takes up most of your time? Normal stuff, you know. Collecting expensive wines, taking between 10 and 15 beautiful women and no men out on one of my boats. I’m also doing an improv class at UCB.

What is the biggest financial stress in your life? Just not overspending. You wouldn’t believe how many times my adviser Gerald calls me to question me about what I’m doing with my money. I recently bought, and then accidentally lost, a Patek Philippe and you would have thought that I ran over another child by his reaction. In retrospect, I get that I should have been more responsible, but some poor person probably found the watch and can, I don’t know, afford to feed their kids or something. I told him to treat it as a charitable tax-write off.

Do you think you make enough money? No. I mean, I’m comfortable, I guess. But there are so many things I still don’t own yet.

Is Los Angeles an expensive place to live? No, I mean, there are more expensive cities. I probably wouldn’t even be able to get a second or third apartment if I were in Monaco.

You just got paid, and you’re hitting the town for the night. What’s your first stop? I’d probably call up Selena and Jennifer and head to Burbank Airport to fly out to party at our place in London, if my fucking brother isn’t hogging the jet.

What’s something you hate spending money on? Legal fees. I was just forced to settle a lawsuit over my app “Ball Harder” with the comedian Bill Hader, who claimed people were getting confused. It was bullshit.

What’s something you wish you had more money to spend on? I guess it would be cool to own an island.

What’s something you consistently spend money on even though you know you shouldn’t? Healthcare coverage for the crew taking care of my boat.

What’s the point of living in LA if you’re not going to be friends with celebrities? In this series, The Avocado provides tips for approaching the sort of famous person standing in front of you at Coffee Bean without coming off like a total tourist.

Celebrity: Matt Besser

What You Know Him From? Matt Besser is one of the most influential American comedians of the last twenty years, he tells his wife when they argue. He is a founding member of the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and has appeared in dozens of movies and TV shows.

What Your Mother Will Know Him From? Nothing. And if I were you I wouldn’t even try to explain who he is to her. Maybe you can elicit some type of recognition by mentioning that he started UCB with Amy Poehler, but do you really think that will impress her? I mean, your sister just got into medical school and you’re trying to drop Michael Belter or whatever his name is to your mom? Pathetic.

Who Cares What Your Mom Thinks? You Love Matt Besser. And You Need Help Getting Into a Sold Out UCB Course. How Should You Approach Him? The first thing to know about approaching Matt Besser is that he doesn’t want you to do it. You may think Matt Besser will be flattered by being recognized, but unlike Ian Roberts, he really doesn’t want to talk to you.

So I Should Ignore Him? Yes, do you know how many times people come up to Matt Besser and tell him how much they love him and how important he is to modern-day comedy, he asks his wife when they argue. The point is, every comedy nerd in Los Angeles goes up to him when he is trying to order his morning coffee and tries to talk to him about UCB. Unless he is wearing a hat. Then no one recognizes him at all.

I Insist On Speaking To Him! What Obscure Work Of His Should I Mention So He Knows I Am A Real Fan? Okay, start off by complimenting his podcast “Improv4Humans” then tell him that a dot-matrix printed picture of him wearing an eye patch from UCB’s first promotional VHS was an instigating event in your sexual awakening. He will tell you that Ian Roberts was actually the one wearing the eye patch in those promotional photos and that he was wearing the gear glasses. Good job fucking that up, you idiot.

You’ll apologize, letting him know that in the fog that is your adolescent sexual memories you remembered them all having eye-patches and that it’s a shame Ian Roberts isn’t more widely recognized for his contributions to the group and the etat du monde of 21st-century comedy. He’ll agree and will compliment you for your insight and incorrect French usage. At this point, you have successfully established rapport with Matt Besser. Congratulations.

It’s about now that you should casually mention that you were thinking about enrolling in a UCB Improv 101 course at the training center but can’t because your preferred time slot is sold out. He won’t respond, so just let the silence build for a few minutes. Eventually, because Matt Besser is a fucking gentleman, he’ll ask you your name and tell you he’ll see what he can do. He’ll also ask you for the $475 tuition upfront, which he prefers in cash “for tax reasons.” You panic because you don’t have that kind of money on you and lie that it’s in your car and ask him to wait a minute while you go get it. He reluctantly agrees because while he doesn’t need the money, he’s not at the point where he would just turn down $475 in cash.

So you go outside the Coffee Bean or wherever this meeting is happening and see a bank in the shopping center and think about robbing it, but you know you’ll probably just end up grabbing the dummy pack of money and getting blue ink all over your face which would make you look really bad in front of Matt Besser because what kind of nerf ball robs a bank without knowing how to differentiate between the real cash and the dummy stack? But then you remember there is a nail salon down the block your mom sometimes goes to called Nail Fever and figure that its probably a cash-heavy business given the mostly immigrant workforce, so you go there intent on robbing it, but when you get in there you see your mom getting her nails done and she lights up and says “Oh sweety, you came to surprise me on my birthday?”

Well, what are you going to do at this point but go with it and wish your mom a happy birthday and sit down next to her while a Vietnamese lady who wants you to believe her name is “Rebecca” gives you both manicures? So you and your mom have a really nice conversation and she tells you an amusing story about your father from when they were in college that you have heard before but still really like and you sigh after she is done with the story and tell her how much you miss him. She does too.

Then, during a quiet moment, you ask your mom for $475 and say you need it “no questions asked” because you don’t want to try to explain to her who Matt Besser is and in any event she won’t understand why you need money for improv classes when you have a perfectly good anthropology degree from Indiana University that you’re not doing anything with. So you tell her you just “need the fucking money mom” and she says okay, but says that this is the last time. You’ve heard that before. So she hands you her debit card and tells you her pin, which is your sister’s fucking birthdate. God, what a bitch.

You leave the nail salon, leaving your mom responsible for tipping Rebecca for both of your manicures and go to the Bank of America you thought about robbing and take out $500 from the ATM.

By the time you get the money it’s been like 45 minutes since you left Matt Besser and he is still waiting because truth be told he didn’t have anything better to do and enjoyed the time alone with his thoughts to think about comedy, his legacy, and why him and his wife have been arguing so much recently. You hand him $475 and he tells you to call up a woman named Lindsay and says she will get you set up with a class.

You and Matt Besser then part ways. True to his word, Lindsay was a sweetheart and enrolled you in a beginning improv class that you attended twice before quitting because it takes way too long to get from your apartment in NoHo to the UCB training center on Sunset on Tuesdays by 6PM, which, in retrospect, was a stupid timeslot for you to sign up for.

So, maybe don’t go up to Matt Besser next time you see him at a Coffee Bean because you will just end up wasting $475 and will further strain your relationship with your widowed mother who really doesn’t understand how on earth you could turn out so selfish. It’s not how she and your father raised you and he would be so ashamed to see you like this if he were still around.

Makenzie Daly (born Malka Finkelstein) learned Friday afternoon that her best friend and roommate, Rivka Hershelberg (born Sadie Lynn Jennings), booked that network pilot she went in for last week.

“Oh my god, this could be life-changing,” Makenzie said to her roommate, trying her best not to sound devastated.

Makenzie received the news while in line at a Studio City FedEx. The 28-year-old actress was there sending a package of used undergarments to an online admirer that paid handsomely for her delicates. She had also been up for the part, described as a “Jennifer Aniston” type, but was told by the casting director that she was a little “too bookish” for the role, whatever that means.

“I mean, I guess this really could be a big deal,” feigned Rivka on the phone.

“Oh yeah, this is totally a big deal! Even if the show never gets picked up, which is like, totally common. Most pilots never get–“

“That’s the best part! The network already ordered–“

“Oh, they ordered six episodes?”

“No…” said Rivka, waiting for Makenzie to continue.

“Right, it’s super rare for a network to order a series before the pilot is even–“

“They ordered 22 episodes! Isn’t that weird?” Rivka interrupted, knowing exactly what she was doing.

“Oh fuck. That’s. Fuck. You’re going to be a star, Rivka,” said Makenzie, still holding the box of soiled negligees she was sending to Ohio to help cover rent. As Rivka went on for several minutes about what the showrunner told her about her character arc, Makenzie cried quietly to herself. It was after learning that the network was going to send Rivka and her costars, which included fucking Mischa Barton, Scott Eastwood, and the guy that played Abed in Community, on a three-week team-building retreat to Fiji that Makenzie decided she needed to get off the phone.

“Well, listen girl, I am just so, so happy for you and we’re going to need to celebrate big,” wept Makenzie. As the Oklahoma City native handed the FedEx clerk the box of underwear she felt like a total asshole. Rivka had been her best friend for years and worked really hard waitressing and selling her own panties online to pay for acting classes. Plus, it was probably a good thing for her own career that her roommate became a star. She would probably get to meet all types of industry people and maybe could even get a guest-starring role on her show. “Yeah, this is actually great news,” she thought to herself before getting a text from Rivka informing her that the studio just told her that they had an apartment she could use and she would be moving out that evening.

“My shooting schedule is just going to be really intense and I’m going to need privacy at the end of the day as part of my process,” Rivka texted, adding “I knew you’d understand.”

“Oh, of course, girl. So happy for you! Can’t wait to celebrate,” Makenzie texted back, marking the last time the two ever spoke.